Re: "When Depth Gets in the Way of Fun"
Commentary
January 29, 2012

Hopefully, my inflammatory word choice and inappropriately passionate opinion on the topic should help to make this article more accessible to general audiences.

Cybermania '94: The Ultimate Gamer Awards Sing-Along Guide
Video Game Show Recap Land
January 12, 2012

...the Spike Video Game Awards sucked long, long before they were a conception. This is Cybermania '94.

Serious Sam: The First Encounter

December 27, 2011

Leave it to a bunch of dudes from Eastern Europe to parody the parody of Doom presented in 1996's Duke Nukem 3D and remind everybody why Doom and Quake were so much fun in the first place.

2011 Spike Video Game Awards Sing-Along Guide
Video Game Show Recap Land
December 12, 2011

Time to suffer permanent brain damage so you don't have to!

The History of Why I'm Tired of Your Tactical Shooters
Commentary

Part 1 (04-10-11): Advent and Imitation
Part 2 (04-15-11): Serious Realism
Part 3 (05-12-11): Xboxification
Part 4 (05-27-11): Corporate Warfare
Epilogue (11-25-11): Controller of the Future

Video games are serious fucking business and I fully intend to prove it. Let's talk shooters.

Welcome to StarCraft II Battle Report!
"Serious Business"
Posted "Many Moons Ago"; republished on October 31, 2011

And it appears Matt Cooper will be using those expansions to create so many units that their firepower will block out the sun! If the Protoss are solar-powered, this could be a devastating blow to David Kim.

About These Reviews
About
Amended on October 26, 2011

A 9.9 is no different than a 9.8.  That’s really fucking stupid.  Here’s what I’m selling.

Super Meat Boy (RE-REVIEW)

October 5, 2011

Super Meat Boy advertised and continues to advertise itself as Retro Platformer: Tournament Edition. In reality, Super Meat Boy is Save State Emulator Whore: Tournament Edition.

Also covered in the Video Game Rating Guide.

The Decline of Console Video Games is Upon Us
Commentary
September 25, 2011

If you own an Xbox 360 or a PlayStation 3 or a Nintendo Wii, you'll want to listen up. I don't have a lot of good news to share with you.

Monster Tale (ONE-MINUTE REVIEW)

September 3, 2011

It's clear that Monster Tale is lovingly crafted and that the combat system remains top-notch. There's just no reason to explore and embrace it.

Henry Hatsworth in the Puzzling Adventure

September 3, 2011

Henry Hatsworth in the Puzzling Adventure is a tale of British high-class art that, as the kids in sixth-period gym class would say, is "the shit."

Also covered in the Video Game Rating Guide.

Diablo III Will Not Be Cracked At Launch, Stop Deluding Yourself, You Fools
Commentary
August 20, 2011

On the first day that Diablo III is available to the public, people are going to pirate the game in droves and get back at that evil Blizzard.  And I am here to say "No, you won't.  Blizzard beat you guys.  For now, they won."

Abandonware Goes Pay-to-Play In The Old Republic
Guest Commentary
August 13, 2011

If EA succeeds in overthrowing Activision-Blizzard’s MMO, they will face a fate that just might be worse than abandonware–an unending development cycle to fulfill promises that they simply cannot keep, no matter how much money they have.

Site Expansion Completed
August 11, 2011

Achievement Unlocked: Video Game Rating Guide
Achievement Unlocked: Glossary

Say hello to the Video Game Rating Guide™ and a site Glossary. Gospels need to cover everything, y'know.

The Creation of Battle.net 2.0
Commentary
July 18, 2011

Part 1: Introduction
Part 2: Into the Dark Portal
Part 3: Cataclysm
Part 4: The Online Sensation
Part 5: An Open and Closed Case
Part 6: So, In Conclusion...

I want to go back two decades...From there, you can learn how [Blizzard] built the most successful online gaming portal in retail video games.  And from there, you can learn how Blizzard Entertainment (and the video game industry) got this crazy idea of defending their intellectual property at all costs.

E3 2011 Microsoft Press Conference Sing-Along Guide
June 7, 2011
Video Game Show Recap Land

It's the greatest spectacle in interactive entertainment! How will Microsoft reach their quotas this year? Let's find out!

The DotA Banlist's Greatest Hits
Adapted from a work published "many moons ago", re-written and re-published on May 3, 2011.

Well, see, I don't care for authority. So, it looks like I have to embarrass the internet bourgeoisie. I'm plenty fine with that.

Welcome to Games Killstorm!
April 1, 2011

Frgfl grrfdlgf lrfdgl dfdrlfldlfl dlf dlflrlfgldlgr dflgrldlffll gdflgrgl WARP ZONE frggdl dfl grfgdll grdfddlflgdggll WARP ZONE.

Sly 3: Honor Among Thieves

March 24, 2011

Sly 3 is a single-player party game stuck in the Sly Cooper universe. It is time to explain why this is a very bad idea.

Bulletstorm

March 20, 2011

Bulletstorm plays half as well as the Quake and Unreal Tournament that inspired the Gears of War that Bulletstorm sets out to parody.  That immediately makes it one of the best shooters of 2011.

Angry Birds

March 15, 2011

America Online was also successful. That doesn't mean the service was any good.  I regret to inform you that the same criteria applies to your mobile gaming love child.

Nintendo and Their 3DS Dilemma
Commentary

Part 1 (02-22-11): A New, Smarter Competitor
Part 2 (03-03-11): Convenience, Casual Gaming, and Domination

So why now? Why does Nintendo change their strategy? Why does Nintendo use a portable gaming device to court the hardcore gamer?

The Official Web Site of Physics Ball 3!!!
"Serious Business"
February 10, 2011

It's the mobile game sensation that's sweeping the nation!

Ask Me Anything
About
February 2, 2011

I'm the top-ranked video game cynicist in my Bronze League, so I know what I'm talking about.

Tetris Attack

February 2, 2011

Panel de Pon is a bad mother, no matter what you call it and how cute it looks.

Sly 2: Band of Thieves

January 26, 2011

Sly 2: Band of Thieves is an open-world take on Sly Cooper's brand of action-stealth-platforming.  That is, an action-stealth-platformer without level design.

Why Your Internet Boycotts Don't Work
Commentary
January 22, 2011

If you don't like this article, boycott it. I won't mind the free publicity.

Enslaved: Odyssey to the West

January 7, 2011

Ninja Theory is engaged in trench warfare with Obsidian Entertainment to determine which game developer can move the highest up the food chain while accomplishing the least.

Glorious Message Statements of Russia Hackteam
"Serious Business"
Originally posted "many moons ago", adapted and re-published on December 31, 2010.

Is only hack, not cheat.

Debunking the Cult of "Nintendo Hard"
Commentary
Originally published on May 16, 2010 as “On Challenge and Difficulty: Challenging the Days Quote 'When Gaming Was Hard'”, revised and re-published on December 22, 2010.

Sound complicated?  It probably is.  This ain't no eight-bit storytelling.

2010 Spike Video Game Awards Sing-Along Guide
Video Game Show Recap Land
December 13, 2010

It's not about ceremony. It's about visibility. And by the time I'm done punching this show in the groin, you'll believe me.

Starcraft II: Patch 1.2 Launch Trailer
"Serious Business"
December 7, 2010

Spoiler: Activision-Blizzard is going to sue me for ten million dollars.

Pac-Man Championship Edition DX

December 2, 2010

Game of the Year shit goin' down in the maze, y'all.

I Play For Fun: The Four Dumbest Words in Video Games
Commentary
November 28, 2010

If "I play for fun" is one of your talking points, you really, really need to shut the fuck up.

Sly Cooper and the Thievius Raccoonus

November 19, 2010

It doesn't foot the same substance as the generation's best platformers.  But hey, it's Crash Bandicoot Solid.  It's tough to screw that up.

New Super Mario Brothers Wii

Revision published on November 15, 2010, originally published January 14, 2010

I expected New Super Mario Brothers Wii to be a dated tribute to the series’ glory years and found out the plumber can still kick some ass.

Call of Duty: Black Ops™ Mega Hyper Super-Serious Review
"Serious Business"
November 11, 2010

This is the best Call of Duty game released in the last six months. Maybe the last nine. It's that good.

Used Video Games: The New Software Piracy
Commentary
November 1, 2010

Let's talk story time.

Rhythm Games and the Death of Level Design
Commentary
Originally published on April 26, 2010 as “What REALLY Killed the Rhythm Game”, revised and re-published on October 24, 2010.

No, I’m not selling “rhythm games went mainstream so they suck now”. These are the ills of the decision to chain music games to music taste.

World Cyber Games: Ultimate Gamer Season Two Sing-Along Guide
Video Game Show Recap Land

Bigger than Americans landing on the moon at Pearl Harbor!

Episode 8 (10-17-10): The Grand Finale
Episode 7 (10-10-10): The Gauntlet
Episode 6 (9-27-10): Climbing the Walls
Episode 5 (9-21-10): In the Crosshairs
Episode 4 (9-15-10): Blind Sided
Episode 3 (9-10-10): On Thin Ice
Episode 2 (9-04-10): Making Waves
Episode 1 (8-28-10): Coming Out Swinging

Starcraft II: Patch 1.2 Trailer Teaser (Patch 1.1.2)
"Serious Business"
October 6, 2010

Sir, they're using our own gameplay devices against us and the clock is ticking.

Warcraft III: Sim City
"Serious Business"
Originally Published on October 2, 2008; Posted on The Ghetto on October 6, 2010

Back by popular request, the classic Will Wright computer game returns!  And this time?  Your teammates will hate you.

Starcraft II: The "Official" IdrA "Mixtape" (Possibly Sponsored by And1)
"Serious Business"
Originally Published on March 31, 2010; Posted on The Ghetto on October 6, 2010

'Cause he a natural-born IdrA.

Warcraft III: Batman
"Serious Business"
Originally Published on January 24, 2009; Posted on The Ghetto on October 6, 2010

In the Warcraft III Four vs. Four Random Team Matchmaking System, the players are represented by two separate-yet-equally-important groups...

Alpha Protocol

October 5, 2010

Alpha Protocol is a Game of the Year candidate stuffed in the shell of a horror show.

Why Your E-Sport Will Fail
Commentary
August 16, 2010

Developers claim they have the answers. They can turn video games into a sport. And if you know real sports and the video game business model, you know that e-sports does not work that way.

Starcraft II: Wings of Liberty

August 2, 2010

Starcraft II: Wings of Liberty is a Hollywood movie coded by game designers on the accords of higher-ups, the runaway favorite for Half-Finished Game of the Year.

Top Ten Reasons Your Video Game List Blows
Commentary
July 20, 2010

Oh, I lied.  This isn’t a list.  Because with few exceptions, video game lists blow.

Real IDebacle: Blizzard's Strategy Exposed
Commentary
July 10, 2010

Blizzard no longer wants to be the casual gaming equivalent of Facebook.  They want to be Facebook.

Battle.net 2.0: Where Everybody Knows Your Name
"Serious Business"
June 13, 2010

Because I can be funny, too.

Battle.net 2.0: The Antithesis of Consumer Confidence
Commentary
June 6, 2010

[A] combination of corporate suits who don’t play video games and game designers who can’t do damage control.

KeSPA vs. Blizzard: Why I Can't Root for Either
Commentary
May 8, 2010

Welcome to the next chapter in competitive gaming: The part where large companies crush your soul.

Cave Story

May 1, 2010

Contrary to popular opinion, one man busting his ass to create Pretend Metroid is no ticket to the Pantheon.