To comment on this article as a guest or registered member, please visit the forums.

By Michael Lowell

September 21, 2010

Episode 8: The Grand Finale
Episode 7: The Gauntlet
Episode 6: Climbing the Walls
Episode 5: In the Crosshairs
Episode 4: Blind Sided
Episode 3: On Thin Ice
Episode 2: Making Waves
Episode 1: Coming Out Swinging

WCG Ultimate Gamer Season 2 Sing-Along Guide
Episode 6: “Climbing the Walls”

There were eight episodes last season. There have been six this season. To date, I have survived fourteen one-hour episodes of this show. Think about that: I could almost be done watching the fourth and fifth seasons of The Simpsons. I am giving up a lot to write these. You owe me.

2:44 – Faye: “When Caesar came back, we were all kinda looking at him disappointed. He had some dirty plans, and that really sucked, so…” Uh, right. I’m supposed to be disappointed because Caesar is back. Since, you know, he is a maniacal plotting jackoff. Caesar defeated Ryan in the Elimination Chamber™. Last episode, Ryan was sold as a maniacal plotting jackoff. What is this, Starcraft II? We choose between one route or the other and it ultimately changes nothing?

3:07 – Yaz, on why he decided to break up the household alliance: “I didn’t like how things were so easy.” It’s about fucking time. I told you. This team of hyper-competitive uber-dorks was wilting under that phony alliance. Doesn’t matter what kind of competition it is. Quality gamers don’t back down from a challenge.

3:28 – Jake: “Joel comes into our room and surprises us yet again.” Emphasis on “yet again”. They’re tired of Joel. And shit. I’d be, too. I don’t want to play any crappy mobile phone games. Never again. That’s what he’s here for? Again? Aw, crap!

3:50 – “The second [perk]…I’m not gonna to tell you about. But trust me when I say it’s a huge bonus for tomorrow’s real-life challenge that you all would like.” The winner of the challenge gets to throw Joel into a trash compactor?

4:02 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT.

4:03 – I’m not quite sure they get it. Your target audience honed their acumen so mobile phone games would not interest them. Especially not mobile phone games where the target audience thinks “pop-a-shot basketball” is a fresh and original idea for video games.

4:26 – Yaz: “I’m not the best basketball player, but when it comes to gaming, I can step it up.” Okay, new pro-gaming rule: I am the only gamer allowed to make comparisons between video games and sports. You have abused the privilege and now you lose it.

4:47 – Completely Made-Up Stat of the Day: Eighty-seven percent of all footage in World Cyber Games: Ultimate Gamer™ is occupied by dramatic pauses.

5:18 – Does this show feel familiar? Seasons one and two have a lot in common? They’re not only re-using concepts, they’re now re-using facilities.

5:42 – Damnit, Justin. You’re afraid of heights as well? Geez. Good thing they aren’t going to be playing any dating simulators.

5:52 – “The game…WWE Smackdown Versus Raw 2010.” Boring. I can explain this one: Ultimate Gamer™ is televised on SyFy. In the race to become popular television, the programming needs to be as boring and generic as possible. It takes about ten years for pop culture to inflict itself on corporate culture. So SyFy’s overlords are picking up professional wrestling. And since wrestling is coming to SyFy, we’re going to play a video game that has no right to be anywhere near a video game competition. Further explaining it: Smackdown! Versus Raw is the year-to-year game franchise based on a wrestling promotion that lives and dies by soap opera drama. If there were words to describe what World Wrestling Entertainment is not, it would be “two wrestlers enter the ring and the better wrestler wins”.

6:19 – Hannah: “In a ladder match, wrestling superstars–” Yup. The WWE has their hands all over this. Human beings calls them wrestlers. But in the WWE Universe™, wrestlers are WWE Superstars™. There is no part of the show that can’t become a marketing slogan. And when your product has fallen off a cliff in the last year, you need all the extra revenue you can get. Or did I just describe Bobby Kotick and Call of Duty?

6:52 – Title belts are awesome. The world could use more title belts. I would like to show up at my presidential inauguration with a title belt.

7:02 – Tell me where Caesar kills the sense of awesomeness in describing the title belt: “It’s a freakin’ official genuine leather, gold-plated, WCG Ultimate Gamer™ Championship.” Guess.

7:38 – “The rest of you have been seeded based on rankings from the mobile challenge.” Yeah. Crappy mobile phone games have a lot to do with rock climbing. Hell, rock climbing doesn’t have anything to do with wrestling. This episode is hurting my brain.

9:29 – Caesar, showcasing his brand of New Jersey logic: “I don’t care how short this girl is. For all I know, she could be fast as hell, and her name’s Kat, and what do cats do? They climb.”

[Fast-forwarding...]

11:17 – Okay, this is the most confusing playoff structure ever. Remember the movie Baseketball? Where Kenny Mayne explained that “With the first nine months of the Baseketball postseason out of the way, the playoff picture is starting to emerge”? That was supposed to be a joke. For comedic effect. A joke.

[More fast-forwarding...]

13:42-13:48 – Bitch! What!? What!? I beat six other gamers in an athletic competition! Can’t touch my additional pylons, bitches!

14:12 – Apparently, Caesar is the only person on the show with his own basketball shorts. Yup. It’s true. This is the sort of high-level blogging we hope becomes a mainstay of The Ghetto.

15:58 – Really? A trinket built around a universe of flatulence and overexaggerated characters meeting the shut-up-and-man-up culture of competitive gaming? Nobody saw the tension coming?

16:55 – Caesar: “My boys back home never pull shit like that.” Make up your own Jersey Shore joke. I got nothing.

17:17 – There’s a broken move that can be easily exploited? In my once-a-year production cycle? I’m shocked. This is why there hasn’t been a relevant WWE wrestling game since Here Comes the Pain.

17:57 – They couldn’t pick a picture of the girlfriend that doesn’t scream “Just because I have all of my clothes on doesn’t mean I don’t want your dick?”

19:56 – They get to play as John Cena. For those of you who don’t know, John Cena is like Hulk Hogan. It doesn’t matter that unstoppable good guys are a big no-no in modern wrestling. Nine-year-olds buy his merchandise. Therefore, he never loses. Period. There is a better chance the Xbox catches fire than any of the contestants get thrown over the top rope.
21:43 – …unless Triple H is doing it. For those of you who don’t know, Triple H is married to Stephanie McMahon, i.e. the boss’s daughter. So Triple H is like Bobby Kotick. In that if he doesn’t like you, he will get you fired.

22:28 – Faye? Up for elimination? That’s not kawaii! Though I must admit: We’ve gone six episodes and I haven’t had to crap on Faye. That’s impressive. I totally expected some gamer girl shit to go down.

22:54 – WORD!?

23:13 – “The Samsung Stadium”? Another new rule: I would like to ban the addition of “The” to any and all proper nouns. The abuse of that world is getting the-diculous. (rofl “the-diculous” 10/10 e-z)

25:13 – Kat used the R-word! Kat used the R-word! Ooooh! Palin gonna sue!

25:23 – “Train Faye just how to [take that briefcase] that right at the end?” I love it. The contestants have forfeited any pretense that this game is not a broken mess. Their body language just screams it. “Well, we have to play this game, so let’s just get it out of the way.”

27:50 – Maybe I was wrong. Maybe the WWE doesn’t have their hands all over this. Two women are going to be headlining the show’s main event.

28:38 – A ladder match. Seriously. Faye and Kat couldn’t just play mano-a-mano.

29:14 – Justin: “Caesar asked me to train Faye, and I was definitely totally against it.”
29:23 – Justin: “I did train Faye, but not in the right way.” Wow. Justin. That ain’t cool, bruh. That ain’t cool.

30:01 - Kat: “To have another female go home just doesn’t feel good, we’re already getting dominated by this male camraderie.” Heheheh. Heh. Dominated.

30:40 – Console shooter fanboys going at it! Cripple fight!

31:27 – Caesar: “I know [Jake] had a temper, but like, the kid really can’t control himself in an adult conversation.” “Adult conversation”? Ironically, I haven’t heard the term “adult conversation” since I was a kid.

32:03 – “You fucking suck at Modern Warfare. How about that? You fucking blow. It’s that simple. You’re fucking not good. Alright? You want me to raise my fucking voice? Stop being a fucking bitch! You pride yourself on letting a fucking helicopter get ninety percent of your fucking kills! Then you get a fucking nuke all you got those [unintelligible] switch, and you kill 25 fuckin’ people on the map. You pride yourself in that? Fuck that. That’s bullshit.”

Legendary. Thank you for saving this show from mediocrity, Caesar. That was awesome. Along with Jake, you just bitchslapped ninety-nine percent of the Call of Duty fan base. Also, you know how people think the internet would be much different if people were allowed to confront others face-to-face? Yeah. Not so much.

33:50 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT.
34:20 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT.

35:13 – Hannah, no. You’re not allowed to mock someone else’s fashion overindulgence.

36:28 – Imagine the look on all the wrestling purists’ faces when Hannah announced “Ted DiBiase” and ended up getting his less talented, less charismatic son. See, everybody has a price! Ha ha ha ha! And uh, yeah. DiBiase was one of the cheapest talents they could bring in for a guest appearance.
36:47 – Hannah: “The crowd loves you.” That’s a first.

This challenge is bunk. It exists on the premise that people are interested in watching sports. Therefore, people want to watch others play video games based on sports. It does not work that way. Even the realistic Madden can’t do it. Professional wrestling is about two people pretending to beat the crap out of each other while “telling a story”. WWE Smackdown! Versus RAW is about finding the cheapest move and abusing the hell out of it. All this Elimination Challenge™ has proven is that this was a terrible game to choose. And that Ted DiBiase can’t carry Joel Gourdin to passable commentary. Though I don’t know who that’s a reflection on. Wait, they’re playing the game? And they just finished? And Kat won?

42:00 – Joel: “The Edge wins!” His name is Edge. Not The Edge. God dammit so much.

Don’t worry, Faye. You’ve exposed your talents to a national audience. Your prize? A bunch of fat, overweight slobs will stalk you across the internet and expose themselves to you. Congratulations. Even when you lost, you…yeah, you lost.

Final Score:

Two Caesars out of five. I don’t know what that means. I just thought the picture was funny. Know what I’m sayin? WORD!?

Return to the main page.

Special Thanks To:

Photographic and television content, both created by the World Cyber Games.

Hulu, for having television on the internet.

To comment on this article as a guest or registered member, please visit the forums. Otherwise, return to the main page.

To comment on this article as a guest or registered member, please visit the forums.

By Michael Lowell

September 21, 2010

Episode 8: The Grand Finale
Episode 7: The Gauntlet
Episode 6: Climbing the Walls
Episode 5: In the Crosshairs
Episode 4: Blind Sided
Episode 3: On Thin Ice
Episode 2: Making Waves
Episode 1: Coming Out Swinging

WCG Ultimate Gamer Season 2 Sing-Along Guide
Episode 5: “In the Crosshairs”

Let’s continue. Why? Because I’m the only person on the internet who watches the show. Somebody had to.

3:44 – Rachel: “We pull up to this nothing, it’s shacks, it’s abandoned houses, it’s dirt, and tumbleweeds, and rattlesnakes.” This must be where they release content updates for Activision products.

3:56 – Hannah: “The game is Battlefield: Bad Company 2.” Really? On a personal computer? They threw me a bone. Not bad. This is actually curious. They wanted a first-person shooter. They did Halo last year. No Modern Warfare 2? There hasn’t been a single Activision-Blizzard-produced game on this show. There’s four franchises (Call of Duty, Guitar Hero, World of Warcraft, Starcraft) worth looking at. Think Blizzard’s history of egregious licensing fees has something to do with this?
4:04-4:12 – That footage is from the console version. Seriously, all us computer gamers want is respect. Not our problem we play electronic entertainment on a superior platform.

4:18-5:34 – That’s an interesting rule set you have there. Do they sell it in book form?
5:34 – Hannah: “The attacking team with the fastest time wins.” Better. That’s all you need to know.

5:40 – Caesar: “And I’m extremely excited because I play paintball.” This bears the question: Paintball is a family-friendly take on real guns. So wouldn’t a game based on paintball based on warfare be a real-life challenge of a real-life challenge? Or did I just blow your mind?

5:50 – Ninety-seven degrees and the contestants are wearing black camo. Either somebody didn’t think this out, or we’re primed for the first fatality in reality television history.

5:56 – This feels like a Disney teen-comedy where the lead character is putting her nerdy troupe on the front lines. Where Miley’s buddies are gonna whoop the varsity football team. And the pads are twice the size of the players. What a hilarious setup! Yaz could not be more out of place. It’s like they ripped Marcus Fenix out of Gears of War.

6:20 – “Enter Famous Gamer Cheat Code”. Shameful truth: I needed to look up the Konami Code. Seriously. Never owned Contra, never owned Gradius, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Arcade Game allowed the use of a different code. Or maybe I have a life? Yeah, I’m not buying that explanation, either.

7:02 - THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT.
7:11 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT.

True story: It took them a minute-and-a-half to explain the rules and nobody explained whether getting hit by a paintball means anything more than a welt.

8:23-8:34 – Yaz going nuts, people whining about shit. Yup. A real-life challenge befitting of a first-person shooter.

9:28 – Yes. Collapse under the heat of the baking sun. While decked in dark black camo. That’ll turn down the heat.

11:20 – Haha, oh wow. That’s a brand of fail that captures the essence of this show.
12:17 – No. Shouting A, B, C, D, all in order does not constitute “random letters”.
13:32 – Both teams fail at a form of memorization and color recognition. And these people call themselves gamers…anyway, if you’re confused as to what’s going on? Don’t worry. I am too.

14:27 – “You will all receive a copy of the not-yet-released Medal of Honor.”
14:28-14:32 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED…Medal of Honor ad placement?

15:34 – Moe Szyslak: “All right, you heard the man. One grenade each. Hey. Hey! Who pulled the pin on this one?”

15:53 – Rachel: “Kind of down about this team arrangement that once again, I’m with the two girl and the guy that doesn’t really seem to want to be with us.” Are you fucking kidding me? This is some Miami Heat shit going down. Your team is going to have the three best players on the floor.

16:34 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED…ALIENWARE AD PLACEMENT.
16:35 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT.

17:01 – Ryan: “I have a chance to go up into elimination because someone can’t type on a keyboard or memorize eight colors in a row. Now, we’re about to go to Isolation. And my team doesn’t PC. And we’re going up against Kat and Yaz.” Wikipedia has an article explaining the rout that’s about to go down. What, you were expecting the write-up on karma?

18:27 – New rule: I will no longer acknowledge “throw ur MATCH MAn DAWG I THOT U WAS MY FRIENDZ.” It’s sad. No other athletic competition would tolerate this.

19:37 – It’s rather sad that the actual in-game rules make far more sense than the real-life challenge designed to emulate them.

19:44 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED ALIENWARE AD PLACEMENT.
19:48 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT.

20:33 – Yaz: “I mean, I was in a lot of situations where three people were shooting at me at one time and I would kill all of them.” What narrative should I play? “This is what happens when you give a good player a quality control scheme in a first-person shooter”? Or “Players are made of glass in modern shooters! Just hit the guy”? Eh. The former sounds far more condescending. Seeing that console shooters are inferior and all.

See how much more entertaining an Isolation Chamber™ can be when you treat computer games as a social gathering? Like the Europeans, Asians, and everyone outside of the United States do?

22:48 – Caesar: “Our predominant platform that we play on is console.” Know how Dana White paid James Toney big money so a boxer could get his ass kicked in a mixed martial arts event? I have like five dollars in my wallet. Someone make “controllers versus keyboards” happen and it is yours.

25:34 – Ryan: “I love him…I want J-Wong.” Nope. Not taking this out of context. No, sir.

26:52 – No! Not Caesar! Now who will provide Jersey Shore cross-over? This may be the first time the selection was a surprise. Or maybe Justin Wong’s reputation is keeping him out of trouble. Seriously, pick up your slack, brother. Your showing in five Isolation Challenges™? Third, seventh, second, fifth, eighth. It’s no wonder they dropped the “Justin Wong is gonna choke bitches” subplot.

27:22-27:47 – And then Hannah joined up, and we formed the Six-Pack…and then one of the assistant producers, he wanted in the mix, and it became…Lucky Sevens…and then this homeless guy on the street, he wanted to join in the fun, and it became…the North Atlantic Treaty Organization…

28:01 – Stay out of this, Hannah! Grown-ups are talking!
29:06 – Joel: “But, as we all know…shooters are best played with teams…” No! You too! Quiet!

30:16 – Hannah: “Yaz just betrayed your trust, he’s thrown a competition already, and shown alliance means nothing. Do you think that was a wise pick?” Hannah would make one hell of a FOX News morning anchor. “Some say that Barack Obama has sex with animals. Why haven’t Democrats been able to prove elsewise?”

32:54 – Ryan: “Two girls are gonna make the gauntlet. It wasn’t supposed to be like that.” Fuckin’ women! Moving up the ladder! The hell is wrong with these people? It’s like they want to be equals or somethin’!

33:09-33:43 – I always wondered what “random internet message board troll knows he is going to get banned and doesn’t give a damn when it happens” would look like on cable television. You dead, Ryan. The plane home will be taking off directly from the Elimination Chamber™. And if the pilot’s aim is as good as yours, you will die along with everyone on-board.

35:11 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT.
35:12 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED ALIENWARE AD PLACEMENT.

35:24 – Caesar: “Nervous? Double hellz no.” Author’s emphasiz added.

35:28 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS EXPLODED. PLEASE DISPOSE OF SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT UNDER PROTOCOL STATED IN NEW YORK HEALTH AND HAZARD MANUALS.

35:32 – Hannah, it is my understanding that a roll of duct tape does not constitute a proper form of clothing.

38:00 – Joel: “Battlefield: Bad Company 2 is the latest in the Battlefield series of squad-based first-person multiplayer shooters. It is an exceptional gaming experience.” You could say the same thing about Call of Duty, Killzone, and Halo. And they would all be as generic as what you said, Joel.

40:43 – Wow, Ryan. Calling on the crowd to chant your own name. Maybe this kid isn’t playing a narcissist.

41:52 – Joel: “Kat with twelve of the team’s fourteen kills.”

Conclusion: That’s cute, Ryan. You just pulled the equivalent of John Starks’ two-for-eighteen shooting performance in Game Seven of the 1994 NBA Finals. Fortunately, just like nobody knows what I’m talking about, nobody watches this show. Though I’m sure your friends and family will think highly of your conduct. Good luck on that.

Return to the main page.

Special Thanks To:

Photographic and television content, both created by the World Cyber Games.

Hulu, for having television on the internet.

To comment on this article as a guest or registered member, please visit the forums. Otherwise, return to the main page.

To comment on this article as a guest or registered member, please visit the forums.

By Michael Lowell

September 15, 2010

Episode 8: The Grand Finale
Episode 7: The Gauntlet
Episode 6: Climbing the Walls
Episode 5: In the Crosshairs
Episode 4: Blind Sided
Episode 3: On Thin Ice
Episode 2: Making Waves
Episode 1: Coming Out Swinging

WCG Ultimate Gamer Season 2 Sing-Along Guide
Episode 4: “Blind Sided”

Grammar Nazi’s Note: “Blind Sided” is bad. “Blindsided” works. “Blind-Sided” works. “Blind Sided” does not. *sigh* This could only happen in Obama’s America.

2:29-2:53 – Congratulations, gang. You got Sebastian out of the house. The black guy is out. Raucous celebration is in. Awkward. Can we nickname the remaining contestants the “Little Rock Nine”? No? Why are you giving me dirty looks?

3:19 – Rachel: “I’m a little worried the guys are going to start targeting the girls mainly because they have really strong friendships and they see the girls as weaker.” Welcome to the history of the human species, Rachel.

4:05 - Kat and Vanessa make up. In sixty seconds. Wonderful. Sums up the show pretty well. The season opener built that rivalry as the subplot for the season opener. Their kiss-and-make-up moment is the first time any of this season’s contestants have seemed genuinely likable. Don’t expect the show to mention this moment ever again.

5:09 – Justin: “I see an obstacle course. I’m just hoping I don’t have to drive. Because I do not know how to drive at all.” So let’s see: He doesn’t know how to swim. He doesn’t know how to drive. Justin Wong is the worst Grand Theft Auto character ever.

5:20 – Hannah: “The game is Forza Motorsport 3.” Ugh. Simulation driving games. Nothing is more exciting than mastery of a virtual stick shift. Yeah. Uh huh.

6:03 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT.
6:06 – “Inside is a small monitor behind the steering wheel. That eight-inch monitor is the only view you’ll have of the course ahead. So you’ll be driving just like you would in a video game.” Wow, that’s actually pretty cool. Context? In my video game reality show?
6:28 – Cut-outs? Of the contestants? In my obstacle course? Epic. Months back, Jay Leno featured a similar event on his show. Rush Limbaugh was the driver. The obstacles included a cut-out of Al Gore. Rush did not miss. Arguably the only funny moment in the last decade of Jay Leno comedy.
6:42 – Hannah: “Before you step in the car, each one of you will tell me which fellow gamer you would like to hit along the way. If you manage to hit that person’s cut-out, we’ll take fifteen seconds off your time.” Psychology and incentive. Inventive.
6:57 – “But the gamer that gets called out the most will have a one-minute penalty added to their time.” Eh. Every awesome racing experience needs its Blue Shell.

…

FUCK THE BLUE SHELL FUCK.

7:25 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT.

9:02 – Faye: “I hit [the cutout of] Ryan, and I’m just like, Asian female driver, watch out!” You’re right. You’re an Asian female driver. But that’s not how it works. You were in an empty parking lot. Therefore, you hit something. It just happened to be the cut-out of Ryan. Targeting the cut-out of Ryan would have resulted in the car slamming into the 74th floor of the Empire State Building.

9:22 – Hey, Justin. Don’t know how to drive? Whatever. You don’t know how to operate a seat-belt, either. That’s kind of bad.

…

Way to go, Justin!

9:41 – Kat: “Oh, [Justin] doesn’t drive.”
9:42-9:53 – Michael Bay has competition. God damn. I didn’t know modern video editing software could handle that many camera cuts in ten seconds. If anyone actually watched this show, we would be talking about the American sendoff to the Pokémon episode that causes seizures.

10:35 – Epic head-scratch right there. Toshiro Mifune would not have been disappointed.

10:41 – Justin: “I don’t know if that counted as a penalty because I hit it after the finish line.”

11:38 – Caesar: “Whos that?”
Justin: “Jake. Jake just ran you over.”
11:54 – Jake: “I just picked the easiest strategic target.” Wow. Gamers took complete advantage of the rule set. Am I supposed to be surprised?

12:21 – Ryan: “I couldn’t be more confident about winning the real-life challenge because I drive professionally.” Spoiler: Out of males (that is, non-woman drivers) who have driven a car before, you finished last in this competition. Good work.

13:11-13:52 – What happened? Did the production team take a sick day? Did they film the episode on Bring Your Daughter to Work Day and let the little girl film the show? This is bizarro-land. This is a thousand times more entertaining than anything this show has ever done.

14:55 – Faye: “I feel very frustrated right now knowing that I did step it up, I got second place overall, but because of the penalty I got [REDACTED].” You now know how every skilled gamer to play Mario Kart since 1996 feels!

15:26 – It’s okay, ladies and gentlemen. You know how well everyone did on the obstacle course. You don’t need to pretend that you did not know Yaz whooped all of your asses.

18:52 – A bunch of guys volunteering to wear eyeliner. Yup. Nothin’ emo about this. What does this have to do with video games again?
18:55 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT.
19:09 – Caesar: “Lookin’ mad fresh. And people sense the freshness.” God dammit so much.

19:59-20:40 – Yeah. Ryan is a douche. But that’s good. In professional wrestling, Ryan is what we call a “heel”. He is the bad guy. You will continue watching. You want to see him get his come-uppance. That’s good. Really good.

22:54 – Justin: “When you’re driving you sense fear, because ‘Oh, if I crash, the injuries might be bad.’ But the driving game is like, ‘Crash all you want!’” You heard it: Crashing in the video game will encourage you to crash cars in real-life! Who said first-person shooters are the only murder simulators in the medium?

25:18 – Vanessa is up for elimination. Have I made a “woman driver” joke yet? When does the National Organization for Women start boycotting my blog?

25:55 – Conclusive evidence women cannot drive: The real-life results. The pecking order: Male, female (Faye was bumped out of second only due to a penalty), male, male, female, female, male who openly admits he can’t drive, female.

26:26 – Who cares whether people lied about their times? I don’t know if the household alliance (Justin, Jake, Yaz, Caesar, Ryan) is that douchey (in that they’re perpetuating ridiculous narratives to convince themselves others need to be eliminated) or simply proving that gamers have too much time on their hands, that “OMG U LIEDZ TOO ME I THOT WE WUR FRIEND’S!1″

28:36 – I thought these people wanted to play video games for a living? I thought this was something that they wanted to make their profession? Why would you ever go into an elimination phase thinking that you will not be chosen? Why would you forfeit that practice time when it is obvious you will be revisiting previous genres later in the competition?

31:32 – Yes, Rachel. You’re the next contestant on “Get Owned, Biggums”. You may now walk to the podium. No, your mother was not shot. You don’t have to act distraught about this.

32:49 – Kat: “What car are you using?”
Vanessa: “Beemer.”
Kat: “Didn’t you already crash one of those in real life?” I’m worried. I don’t know whether they’re alluding to the real-life challenge.

33:43 – Kat: “So I made sure to try and help with little Cheez-Its as to how to kinda take turns…” Oh. I understand. Vanessa, you are fucked.

34:01 – Caesar, making a comment that probably sounds better if you know the nuances of Forza: “The key to this turn right here is to stay on the road.”

36:23, 36:24, 36:52 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT.

37:01 – God damn, Hannah. Hair gel goes in the hair. You could grate cheese on those eyebrows.

38:49 – So Rachel starts second? Vanessa finished last in the Isolation Challenge™. This competition is rigged.

40:54 – Well, this is already over. Even Joel has forfeitted the pretense.
41:24 – When you’re half a lap down, just…give it up. Let it go. It’s over, man. Game over.
42:02 – Joel: “Rachel’s taking it easy, not risking anything as she goes around the turn…” Man, Joel is saying this is in the bag. That happens? You just got owned, Walter Mondale style. (Sorry. I have a quota on political and current-events references. This entry just filled it for eight years.)

Well, that’s that. No, the crowd is not cheering for Rachel. They’re cheering that two women drivers went at it and nobody died.

Conclusion: This was the most entertaining episode in the history of the series. It will be taught in schools, lecture halls, and on The History Channel. I give it my highest rating ever:

Two Jakes out of five. Good work, cable television. You finally delivered.

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Special Thanks To:

Photographic and television content, both created by the World Cyber Games.

Hulu, for having television on the internet.

To comment on this article as a guest or registered member, please visit the forums. Otherwise, return to the main page.

To comment on this article as a guest or registered member, please visit the forums.

By Michael Lowell

September 10, 2010

Episode 8: The Grand Finale
Episode 7: The Gauntlet
Episode 6: Climbing the Walls
Episode 5: In the Crosshairs
Episode 4: Blind Sided
Episode 3: On Thin Ice
Episode 2: Making Waves
Episode 1: Coming Out Swinging

WCG Ultimate Gamer Season 2 Sing-Along Guide
Episode 3: “On Thin Ice”

Let’s continue! What wacky adventures will the gamer universe find themselves in this week?

2:57 – Way to go, Justin! That was the worst fist-bump ever.

3:56 – Iron Man Award goes to the cameraman. He stood there all night and waited for someone to fuck with Jake.

4:12-4:24 – He’s single, ladies!
4:34 – College Film Class Protip: When you’re selling the drama of a man destroying a fifteen-dollar blanket, cut to slow-motion. Watch that water soak into the sheets. Uh. Yeah. Uh huh.
4:42 – Jake: “You’re messing with the dude who just proved himself to have power, okay?” This reminds me of that movie where the dude with the mustache took over Germany.
5:25 – Rachel: “Every time he opens his eyes all wide now, is he going to swing at me?” Great. Let’s imply some male-on-female violence. The best part? Twenty minutes later, this show will be begging me to root against somebody other than Jake. Why? Because that person is “not good at video games”.

5:58 – Hannah: “The game is NHL10.” Wow. The contestants are more apathetic about the sports game than the Nintendo Wii Deathmatch. Then again, it’s hockey. My friend once took me to a hockey game. He’s not my friend anymore.

6:47 – Justin Wong looks like he would rather be anyplace but here. Seriously. He gave up two months of Street Fighter practice for this.

6:48 – Hannah: “So let’s see how good your aim is in a game I like to call…Human Hockey Puck.” Wow, Hannah. What an original name. If this woman had her hands on boxing, we’d be calling Floyd Mayweather the pound-for-pound champion of Traumatic Brain Injury Through Fists.
7:16 – Sebastian: “Black folks, we don’t do stuff like that.” Yo, check this out: Black guys do human hockey puck like this.

8:42 – Justin: “Kat is a very good teammate for me because she’s really good at shooting games, but I’m really good with like, strategic map stuff.” Woah. I’m the champion of “Video Games Have Practical Real-World Application” and even I think you’re nuts. But let’s not be hasty here. Kat can prove me wrong.

9:08 – Justin: “Eh, that kinda sucked.”

10:41 – Yaz: “I was definitely pissed that [Ryan and Jake were] high-fiving when we’re doing bad.” Always enjoyed this phenomenon: Victory through nothing. Football player drops a catch? No one’s fault but his? Celebrate. ‘Cause your Jedi mind tricks caused that man to break his leg and fall short of the end zone.

12:07 – There’s more than one round? Aw, crap!

12:11 – Caesar: “I really don’t know what it’s like being last.” Anyone checked this show’s television ratings?

(Fast-forwarding…)

14:52 – Jake and Ryan win a copy of the “not-yet-released NHL 2011.” This should come off very well on repeated viewings. The game was released five days after this episode’s original airing.

15:21 – Yaz: “If I need to, I’ll go in Elimination. I’ll lose the [Isolation Chamber™] on purpose.” Here we go again. Maybe it’s because I play strategy games and view the “strategy” in Yaz’s potential decision to be laughable. But in my America, tanking games is not an option. Ever.

Keeping count? The Real-Life Challenge™ lasted over ten minutes. We are fifteen minutes into the show. A video game reality television show. No video-game-related events have occurred. It’s like the World Cyber Games is using Vince McMahon’s brand of “professional wrestling” as the primary reference material.

16:07-16:44 – This show is a microchosm of American celebrity. Build them up, tear them down. You see: The World Cyber Games wants me to believe they whittled through thousands and ended up with the best twelve. And now? Whoops! A.J. is a fucking slacker. Whoops! Sebastian is a cocky nobody. We’re supposed to believe the World Cyber Games simply got it wrong on draft night. The reality? These twelve are good at what they do. Burying them does not change that.

17:38 – Yaz: “The whole time I’m practicing with [Sebastian], he’s so good…at every game. No…you won’t be in this position so many times if you’re so good.” Wow. The first entertaining drama in the short and embarrassing history of this show.

20:43 – We get it. You’re going to throw the Isolation Challenge™. In a culture whose roots are “get the highest score possible”, this will go over very well with your target audience.

21:26 – “You need to score one goal in the least amount of time possible.” Thank God we’re not playing FIFA.
21:30 – “You have a maximum time of four minutes.” Wow. This doesn’t sound like a crap shoot. I’m sure a sports game aficionado will ramble about the effort in scoring a single goal. But I once went to a boxing match and a hockey game broke out. So your argument is invalid.

Also from the “How to Insult Your Audience” Files: They are playing twenty-minute periods in the Isolation Challenge™ Oh. The clock is running faster. So “twenty-minutes” plays out in four. That’s confusing. But hey, can’t clear that up. Our target audience is gamers. They drink Mountain Dew and play Halo. They’re too stupid to figure it out.

23:20 – Faye: “I wish I actually scored a goal.”
23:24 – Rachel: “I didn’t get that goal I wanted.”
Huhuh, women can’t play sports. Girls are dumb. Huhuh.

25:18 – Oh my God, Yaz! You finished last! Joel: “Yaz, what happened, man?”
Yaz: “I took a dive on purpose.” God dammit so much.
25:30 – Joel: “That’s either incredibly brave or incredibly stupid.” It’s completely fucking stupid. Do you actually know what this says about this organization? If you can weasel your way through the politics, you can become a world-class gamer. Really. If there’s one thing gamers don’t enjoy, it’s being bossed around. We cramp ourselves in front of the computer for a reason. The internet doesn’t yell at us for saying stupid things. Unless it’s Blizzard and I’m posting on their forums.

28:40 – Yaz, to Sebastian: “To be completely honest with you…I was gonna ask Jake to pick you.” Oh. Wow. This is breakup mode. So much for the entertainment value. Awkward. Uh…who wants ginger snaps?

30:22 – Jake chooses Sebastian for elimination. Shocking. The show has gone sentient. World Cyber Games: Ultimate Gamer™ realizes it is a horror show. And it knows the black guy must die.
30:44 – Yaz: “It’s just moreso…who deserves to be here.” Says the guy who is in last place and up for elimination.

33:18 – Yaz: “It’s like you [Sebastian] lie every time when you say you’re good at it when you’re not.” Ever seen an “Oh snap!” moment where you felt really bad for everybody involved? This isn’t drama. This is feelings getting hurt. Why y’all gotta hate, son?

35:34 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT.

34:49 – Yaz, with the most ambiguous statement of the series: “Right now, my nerves are about at a seven. I would like them to be about a five or four.”

35:54 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT.

36:47 – Hannah: “You essentially threw the challenge so you could be here tonight.” Yes. Rub it in. The motto of the World Cyber Games: “We. Are. Threw the challenge so you could be here tonight.”

37:12 – Hannah: “This is like your second home now.”
Sebastian: “This is where I live at. Every one of these people in here is my family.” Mentioned it last season, but in professional wrestling, we call that a “cheap pop”. Sebastian just needs to praise the accolades of the local football team. And Yaz? He can’t wait to get out of “this dump”. Since this show is filmed in Los Angeles, it would be an accurate statement.

37:51 – Joel: “Tonight, our players are competing head-to-head for the Stanley Cup. Yaz has chosen the Vancouver Canucks, they’re in the blue jerseys. Sebastian has chosen the Boston Bruins, in the black and yellow jerseys.” You chose a sports game to appeal to mainstream audiences. And then you have to tell them what colors each team is. Hockey has fallen on hard times.

39:14 – Want to make sports commentary even worse? Throw the duties to somebody who hosts a video game show on G4. Ask him to be the lone commentator. Have him say that “Both players clearly in it to win it.” Are they? Really? Maybe Yaz can throw this game and get moved up to a better television show?

40:20 – Congratulations. You hit the side of the goal, Sebastian. That is not cause for celebration. It reminds me of those street basketball mixtapes where the ball-handler makes a nasty move and embarrasses the opponent. The game stops and fans run onto the court. And no points were actually scored.

41:12 – “The score is tied after the third period zero-and-zero, that means we have to go to a shootout.” Oh, so I guess “playing for the Stanley Cup” was just a premise, since the NHL settles tie playoff games with extra periods. Shootouts apply to regular season games. I haven’t watched hockey in eight years and even I know this.

Conclusion: Sebastian is toast. Yaz lives on. Hockey will always suck. Last season’s sports-themed episode was totally forgettable. Same deal this round. That’s probably what happens when you take a sports-themed episode and surround it with video game players and producer incompetence.

Who survives the next week? Guess you’ll have to watch and find out!

…

Wait. Watch this show? What do you have to say about that, Jake?

You silly, dawg. You silly.

Return to the main page.

Special Thanks To:

Photographic and television content, both created by the World Cyber Games.

Hulu, for having television on the internet.

To comment on this article as a guest or registered member, please visit the forums. Otherwise, return to the main page.

To comment on this article as a guest or registered member, please visit the forums.

By Michael Lowell

September 4, 2010

Episode 8: The Grand Finale
Episode 7: The Gauntlet
Episode 6: Climbing the Walls
Episode 5: In the Crosshairs
Episode 4: Blind Sided
Episode 3: On Thin Ice
Episode 2: Making Waves
Episode 1: Coming Out Swinging

WCG Ultimate Gamer Season 2 Sing-Along Guide
Episode 2: “Making Waves”

Disclaimer: The second episode of World Cyber Games: Ultimate Gamer™ was the worst sixty minutes in television history. I’m serious. As “competitive gaming”, it was even worse. Crappy show? Whatever. I can handle that. Exposing your phony narrative? Oh boy. Your reading assignment for the day? Talk me into finishing the season. Seriously. This episode trashed the remaining fun.

2:45 – Justin: “I think you’re the first girl to win an elimination [challenge].” Yup. Keep pushing the message. I say we take a vote: “Can girls compete with guys at video games?” You girls can’t vote on this, though. Your biology can’t handle the political process.

3:36-3:43 – No. Scooby Doo and Captain Planet references are not “inside jokes”. They’re merely a blueprint for your horrible taste in cartoons.

4:06 – Joel: “The [first] challenge is on a mobile phone.” Calling it now: For this episode, over/under on how many times I say “god dammit so much” is five-and-a-half. This show is like that episode of South Park where Kyle discovers Family Guy episodes are “written” by manatees that move “idea balls” into a tube. “Challenge” plus “mobile phone game” plus “Samsung product placement” plus “freeware game”. God dammit so much.

4:09 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT.

4:11 – Joel: “The game is Hyperspace.” What is Hyperspace? I can’t find a Wikipedia page, it barely registers on Google. What do I learn? Free-ware. Yes. The show is that cheap. God dammit so much.

4:26 – Joel: “The stakes are huge.”
4:29 – “The player who wins this challenge…will automatically receive…”
4:35 – “…first place in the next real-life challenge.”
5:24 – A.J. won. Joel wasn’t kidding. The stakes were so huge that the length of this segment was ninety seconds. The length of in-game action? Twenty-one seconds. Because remember: Competitive gaming isn’t about watchable competitive gaming. It’s about…um…god dammit so much.

6:29 – Justin: “I see the water slide…hopefully I don’t drown. ‘Cause I don’t know how to swim at all.” This show is television-programming copy-pasta. Last season, one of the challenges involved rally cars. Front-runner Robert Paz (Prodigy X) couldn’t drive. We have another favorite with a basic survival-skill deficiency. Don’t worry. We’ll be revisiting this plotline.

6:50 – Hannah: “But this season, we are breaking out…the Wii console.” In the words of Homer Simpson: CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP…
7:03 – “And the game…is Wii Sports Resort.” Need proof this show is putting on a ruse? Eleven hardcore gamers are gunning for 100,000 dollars. A casual gaming stronghold is announced. The response is raucous applause. It’s like going to a chess tournament and finding out the preliminaries are being played with Monopoly.

8:22 – I won’t even try to explain the real-life challenge. I’ll just post a picture.

Confused? Good. Let’s move on.

9:33 - Bikinis? Because if two passions share the same cloth, it’s sex and video games. Right.
9:33 – A.J.: “I’m not going to comment about Faye and Rachel’s bodies, I mean, let’s, you know…they’re beautiful girls.” Good. Please don’t. I’ve seen the scary portions of the internet. I don’t want to know what objects you can fit in there.

10:25 – Kat: “When I first knew Justin didn’t have any experience swimming, I was a little nervous about him being on the boogieboard.”
11:04 – “Justin’s drowning!”
[Commercial]
11:24 – Kat: “Justin’s drowning!”
11:27 – Justin: “But after a while I got the hang of it.” Ah-ha! Fooled you! Justin wasn’t really drowning! It’s just that this is terrible television! We need you to stick around! Jesus. Even the internet has a rule against faking death. Yes, that internet.

12:05 – Censored male ass-nudity. In my video game reality show? Yup. Nuthin’ beats that.

13:54 – Kat: “Justin was amazing. For someone who has never swam before, he was holding his own.” Uh, alright. It’s not like he could have drowned.

15:18 – Rachel: “The black Wii! It’s so sexy!” Something about never going back after black, or something. Ryan and Cesar win the real-life challenge. Both score Nintendo Wiis. I’m sure A.J. is swearing off-screen. Why? He won the mobile phone challenge. He got a mobile phone. I don’t care for Nintendo’s products, but uh, I want the Wii.

15:32 – Hannah: “Sebastian and Vanessa: You both are tied for last place, and hope you’re more coordinated with a Wii Remote than you are a boogieboard.” The fuck? To the person feeding Hannah her lines: Know how fat people go to baseball games to heckle the athletes? Yeah. Hannah is hosting the show because of her looks. I’ll go on a limb and suggest her gaming acumen is nil. She doesn’t have room to trash the talent.

15:57 – Hannah: “Your game for the Isolation Challenge™ is Basketball Three-Point Contest…” Oh. Goody. The Wii Sports Resort minigame where a proper jumpshot is useless.
16:01 – “…but for the two of you who find yourselves in the Elimination Challenge, you’ll be playing…Mario Kart.”

Story time, kids: Super Mario Kart used to be a solid competitive gig. Know how you won? You ran a better race than your opponent. The game had the physics engine to allow it. If you had the skill and the balls, you could hug the waistline of any track. And your items? Your Stars? Your Lightning Bolts? You didn’t score them unless you were choking on someone’s missile. Even the undodgeable Red Shell could be avoided with a properly-timed jump.

Mario Kart 64 changed that. Seemingly a ploy to sell the hilarious party nature of the Nintendo 64′s four-player hardware, Mario Kart turned into a clusterfuck. One exemplified by the Blue Shell, the worst-designed weapon in the history of video games. Seriously: You are in eighth place. You have seven people to catch. You need a rubber band. Your item? Hits the player who has, to this point, braved an outrageous combination of skill and luck to take the lead. Blue Shells are somehow worthless and punish the best player.

Mario Kart failed as an e-sport long before most dabbled in the notion of e-sports. Throwing money on Paper-Rock-Scissors is a safer bet than Mario Kart. Two players will now determine their financial well-being on the merits of that video game. Fun.

16:35 – “Wheels? Wheels…?” The editors cut off “Are you fucking kidding me?” The Wii Wheel was marketing and nothing else. In 1985, Nintendo packaged the Robotic Operating Buddy with the Nintendo Entertainment System. In America circa ’85, “video games” was taboo. And for parents that were worried the “Nintendo Entertainment System” may be a video game console, R.O.B. was the hook and sinker. The Wii Wheel is the same deal. “See, we’re not just a video game console! We’re family fun for grown-ups! Drive with your kids!”

18:04 – Knight to A6? That’s weak shit right there. Why not just play King to bend over?

19:25 – Anyone notice the contestants are using the Wii-Mote strap? All of them? Yeah. We’re supposed to believe Ultimate Gamer™ would put a contestant at the risk of drowning. The same show doesn’t want to be blamed when little Susan clocks the flatscreen her controller.

19:38 – A.J.: “…the Isolation Chamber™ is not something I’m worried about right now. What worries me right now is…Taco Night™.”
20:01 – Justin: “I think A.J. is playing the game very wrong. He’s drinking tequilas, not practicing as much as everyone else.” Wow. I’ve seen this before. Set IdrA to the side, and this is the story of every foreigner that has gone to South Korea to play Starcraft.

20:57 – Justin: “A.J. is basically a stereotype what people think gamers are. He definitely has the aspect of falling for any girl that’s nice to him.” Boom! That headshot? That rifle had a silencer attached. No, seriously. You might as well just said the man’s dick spontaneously combusts whenever it’s exposed to female flesh.

21:01 – So they have to play with the wheel. God dammit so much.

23:17 – Last year, I threw a hissy-fit when the opening week Isolation Chamber™ (a Rock Band score duel) featured televisions that were not calibrated for video delay. You’d think this wouldn’t happen again. Note the delay between Vanessa’s input and the screen. But right, they’re the World Cyber Games™ and they’re the Olympics of video games so they know what they’re doing!

23:19 – Seriously: Nintendo must have had a talk that went something along the lines of “USE THE STRAP OR I WILL CUT YOU”.

23:20 – A.J.: “I’m actually really excited that we’re playing this because I’m really good at Wii Sports Resort and so the odds of me going to Samsung Stadium are ridiculously low.” You may want to pay attention to this.

25:22 – Sebastian is in last place. Weren’t you supposed to specialize in sports games? I guess this is just haters hatin’, bruh.

25:47 – Jake finishes in first place. Wow. Wooooooow. They are phonying results.

Let’s explain. Purely on what’s presented, it’s unusual that Jake’s third-place/second-place outing would trump A.J.’s first/second showing. Last year, the contestants played a four-on-four Halo 3 deathmatch. It was easy to dissect the montage and discover they were making up the kill counts as they went along. But the fix wasn’t related to scoring. Daniel Kim (DevilsAlastar) was thrown into elimination simply for being on the losing team in both of that episode’s segments. It was bullshit. This time, scoring is everything.

During the Wii Sports: Resort Isolation Chamber™ montage, the scores of Jake, Yaz, Rachel, and Kat are revealed at 23:34, 23:47, 23:58, and 24:07. When you stack their final scores against the results, this is what you end up with:

So uh, yeah. The show doesn’t like A.J., they spent an entire segment hyping his lack of work ethic, and they’re going to make him pay for it. Even if he did score his way into first. Because you can’t have nerds win at video games. That wouldn’t befit the company message.

28:01 – Yaz: “A.J., Jake says that you don’t know how to play Mario Kart Wii.” So do these people actually practice? Or do they simply dick around and debate who is going to elimination?

30:21 – Wait a second: Did they actually just cut to a commercial break without playing a single commercial?

[Checks time. Thirteen more minutes? Oh, Christ.]

32:10 – Yaz: “You could have saved yourself if you had practiced a little more basketball.”
32:18 – Justin: “I think you took your position for granted.” See? Time to pour on the phony narrative. A.J. could have saved himself from elimination if he had worked a bit harder. No. He did fine. It’s that your scoring system is less transparent than a Blizzard matchmaking system. You don’t want your audience to know how you’re coming to conclusions. This show is doing an incredible job of burying the sympathetic characters. For some reason, I wasn’t supposed to root for Kat. Because she had “way too high of a gamer score”. Then, I’m not supposed to root for A.J. because he “slacked”. Whatever.

32:52 – Sebastian: “Pound for pound, I’m the better racer…pound for pound, I’ll take him out.” What the hell is this? The ESPN Talking Point Generator? Peyton Manning can’t win the big one because Michael Jordan would have never let this happen?

36:13 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT.
36:29 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT.

39:43 – Joel: “Sebastian trying to catch up, picks up a Blue Shell which can automatically take out the first-place driver.” This show has basically been a referendum on how to piss me off. It really has.

40:10 – Sebastian: “This is what I do! This is what I do!”

40:22 – Joel: “Will the [Blue Shell] reach him? Oh, incredible! The shell takes out Sebastian! A.J. flies past him for the win!” God dammit so much.

40:57 – Joel: “This will probably come down to who can stay on the track!” This is what happens when you gimp players with an inferior control scheme and let them embarrass themselves on cable television.

42:23 – Sebastian, I would not be celebrating that. Not that playing with a wheel is indicative of ability, but half the people in that audience could have put on a better show than you did.

Conclusion: Terrible episode. Terrible games. Terrible challenges. Exposed your rankings as a farce. Not a knock on the gamers or the hosts. They’re holding ship and collecting paychecks. But there’s a production crew that does not know what the fuck they are doing. And in this economy? They don’t deserve jobs. Not in my America.

See you next week. Maybe. Talk me into it.

Return to the main page.

Special Thanks To:

Photographic and television content, both created by the World Cyber Games.

Hulu, for having television on the internet.

To comment on this article as a guest or registered member, please visit the forums. Otherwise, return to the main page.