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By Michael Lowell

Originally published on April 26, 2010 as “What REALLY Killed the Rhythm Game”, revised and re-published on October 24, 2010.

Rhythm Games and the Death of Level Design

Note: This is an extended version of an article that was originally published in April. Wasn’t quite happy with the final product. That has been amended. All comments prior to the publication of the revision have been retained.

Rock Band 3 goes State-side on October 26th. It could blanket the review racket with perfect scores.* It could spawn a generation of musicians with its new peripherals.* And it would still be a losing battle for publisher Electronic Arts and developer Harmonix. Rock Band is “consumer excess” defined. The rhythm game market is “consumer fatigue” defined. And 2010 is “crappy economy” defined. It’s a tough road.

Incredible that it’s come to this. Don’t you remember? The September 2007 release of Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock was the biggest video game event of that year. Yes, really. It outsold Call of Duty 4. The game made Dragonforce relevant for six weeks. Think about that, and think about how it’s gone down since. Have a gander at the rest of the Activision-Blizzard game library. Call of Duty has traveled from “smash hit” to “gaming event of the century, one year a time”. World of Warcraft just courted its twelve-millionth Chinese gold farmer.* And Guitar Hero? A video gaming cultural icon? Warriors of Rock got a hero’s welcome from the Activision advertising department. Industry analyst Michael Pachter estimated the game’s release month sales tally would crack 100,000 copies. Warriors of Rock failed to do that.*

Yup. The rhythm game genre is dead. How did they travel from “niche genre” to “hottest ticket” to “irrelevant”? Popular wisdom indicates The Kotick saturated the rhythm game market by using 2009 to peddle eight different Guitar Hero titles across consoles, portable devices, and the arcade format. Oh, that shredded the short-term. But shoving the blame on Activision is a cop-out. Shoving the blame on the economy. They’re only two parts of the diagnosis.


Too easy to blame this man. Let’s dig deeper.

It’s all about level design. Wait, rhythm games have that? Oh, they do! The rhythm game genre set the tone for a boom period by paying attention to level design. Then the video game industry handed level design to record labels and it was all over. No, I’m not selling “rhythm games went mainstream so they suck now”. These are the ills of the decision to chain music games to music taste.

Think about it: Great video game music becomes great because it’s a reflection of “the moment”. Take Super Mario Brothers. The famous music of World 1-1* is everything you expect from the introduction to a colorful universe and your quest to save a princess: Upbeat, cheerful, festive, friendly. Just the kind of music to welcome younger audiences to the Mushroom Kingdom. What about Chrono Trigger’s “Yearnings of Wind”*? As the player, you’ve just experienced your first bout with time travel. You have absolutely no idea where you are. How about a musical score to reflect that mystery and the antiquity around you?

That is the conundrum for rhythm games. In every other genre, the music is designed to be a reflection of the universe. In rhythm games, the music is the universe. The tempo, the pace, the structure become the level. Thus, that really awesome song on the radio isn’t guaranteed to be much fun. Not unless you have safeguards for editing and manipulating that “level”. And in the birth of the rhythm game genre, with developers trodding new territory, those safeguards existed.

(To make a quick note, 1995′s Quest For Fame was the first true rhythm game, but it was too far ahead of its time. Consumers had it right. Who would pay 150 dollars for a music video game and a “Virtual Guitar”? Video game peripherals and the 20th century were an electronic horror franchise. People bought the plastic robot. The infrared controller. The exercise bike. And they all sucked. So Quest For Fame didn’t achieve much at retail and it left the door wide open. The Japanese would strike first.)

Released in 1996 and hitting the States in 1997, PaRappa the Rapper marked the beginning of both the modern rhythm game and the Japanese video game acid trip. Without precedent to draw from, the results proved fascinating. In contrast to the future of the genre, PaRappa was story-driven. Confronted with a genre where music is level design, developer NanaOn-Sha created the music. And then they went a step further and made that music the storyline.

See, the eponymous dog PaRappa wants to impress one of his lady friends. First shot? He takes up karate. After all, tough guys get chicks. His training is your training level. Next up? PaRappa goes to get his driver’s license. That is, the game wants you to prove that you no longer need training wheels. The next two levels? PaRappa wrecks the family car and you have to pay for the damage. Then you have to bake a cake. And you’re doing it all on your own. And right before you’re about to get it down with Sunny Funny, nature calls. How you gonna deal with it? By out-rapping your previous mentors and working your way to the bathroom. You know, in a manner similar to Mega Man end-levels that revisited every boss one after the other. And your climax? You invite Sunny Funny to the club and win her over by rapping on-stage. In front of everyone. That is, you’re proving you’ve mastered the game mechanics and deserve the accomplishment of “beating the game”.

But that wasn’t the only selling point. The developers created their levels, sure. But as long as the player remained in rhythm, they could “freestyle” PaRappa’s lyrics and play the game as they saw fit. This nearly ten years before Rock Band showcased freestyle sections as a supplement to that game’s Overdrive ability. So instead of becoming a pathetically easy prelude to the Konami and Harmonix rhythm games, PaRappa never played the same on each playthrough.

In doing so, they forged a sense of progression akin to the platformers that dominated the late eighties and early nineties. And then the player could become skilled enough to manipulate the level itself. That’s a whole lot of freedom in a genre where gamers are now closer to a player piano than a real musician. And that’s how a rhythm game with approximately fifteen minutes of playable music become one of the most memorable games of the fifth generation. Surprisingly, it didn’t have much bearing on the future of the genre. Konami was preparing to inflict arcade culture on the game model.

Though it would be disingenuous to pretend that Dance Dance Revolution was the only Konami rhythm game of the late 1990s (Beatmania, DrumMania, GuitarFreaks, and Pop’n Music), it was easily the most successful. From a creative standpoint, Dance Dance Revolution was bunk. It pioneered the lack of innovation that would become synonymous with the genre. If the game was played with a Playstation controller, it would have been several steps behind PaRappa the Rapper. Dance Dance Revolution’s contribution was taking the very best of arcade culture and running with it.

If you didn’t step into an arcade during their heyday, the marketing was simple: A game had to win your admiration a couple quarters at a time. And if you didn’t bring the bacon, you weren’t taking up an arcade owner’s valuable square footage for long. Some arcade games won fans by being intensely entertaining for every second of a short playthrough. Others won their audience by becoming larger-than-life amusement rides. Dance Dance Revolution did both. And both successes can be contributed to proper level design.

There’s quite a bit at work here. Songs couldn’t be too long, lest the players in line grow bored and walk away. Gotta keep money moving into the machine. Like PaRappa the Rapper, Konami wasn’t bound to the beat of licensed music. Sure, the games had some. But most of the heavy lifting came from Konami themselves. The average songlength clocked in at approximately ninety seconds. In editing that music to the magic number, they could eliminate the “boring parts of the level”, building songs that grew progressively more intense and creative as they marched on.

In addition, developers could create note charts that matched the tempo and structure of the music without confining themselves to the beat and rhythm of a single instrument. A note chart in Song X could match a simple synth beat and work its way towards mirroring the complicated drum line. Thus, Konami used their creative license to play the Tetris model: The longer it goes, the harder it gets. Dance Dance Revolution gradually upped the ante to entertain players and the viewer. So people came for the spectacle of a hulking arcade cabinet (plus the adjoining man-sized controllers) and stayed for a two-minute-long edition of “Man Versus Machine: Can You Top This?” And then that audience may be compelled to try the game out for themself.

Fortunately for any and all competition, Konami became complicit about their rhythm game monopoly. It certainly didn’t help that their dominance established expensive peripherals as the norm. Nobody is buying in to a new gameplay system when it doesn’t work with their old guitar controller or arcade cabinet. Thus, the most compelling innovation in Dance Dance Revolution’s history was that of a “freeze arrow”, i.e. “hold the button instead of tapping it”.

A development studio by the name of Harmonix had a small hand in Konami’s dominance of the rhythm game market, developing four of the Karaoke Revolution games published by the giant. Harmonix’s previous works entailed Frequency and the well-received Amplitude. But you haven’t heard of them. And unless you played a portable version of Rock Band, the gameplay in those two products never mean anything to you. Why? Harmonix was about to rock the world.

Yeah, Guitar Freaks came out back in 1999. But that’s how bad Konami bungled their market share. “The Guitar Game Rocks the Universe” began with 2005′s Guitar Hero.

Great gameplay systems are fun. They’re even better when the production values let players lose themselves in the moment. Guitar Hero did that better than any previous rhythm game. It looked good, sounded good, played good. But Guitar Hero had an important wild card: It used the same soundtrack splitting featured in Amplitude and Frequency. So if you missed a note, the guitar would stop playing. But the drums? The vocals? They kept on moving. Guitar Freaks played a variant (missing a note would play the wrong note), but no prior rhythm game let you feel like you were creating the music. Pair that illusion aside your favorite songs on the radio, you’d better believe it has an audience.

The problem? The fatal flaw of the Guitar Hero model is that it is built for accuracy. And if the song commands no more intensity than its two-chord chorus, too bad. The fix? Level design was fulfilled through an off-hand approach.

Whether Harmonix was “priced out” or record labels were still cautious about “rhythm games as a marketing tool”, the company had incredible difficulty securing music for both Guitar Hero and its 2006 sequel. From a level design standpoint, it was a boon. A development studio filled to the brim with talented musicians created the cover music. They could be faithful to Iron Man while omitting the drum solo that had no place in a guitar game. They could add guitar solos to spike the difficulty of a song. In charting songs for accuracy, creative license persisted. Music selection and its manipulation was still a game design decision. And without access to the top of the rock and roll food chain, Harmonix was “resigned” to select music that played well. Developers were still a filter. So even if you weren’t familiar with Institutionalized, Misirlou, or Hangar 18, they tested the entire range of Guitar Hero II game mechanics and made a sensational lead-in to Lynyrd Skynyrd’s Free Bird.

It’s little surprise the first two Guitar Hero games turned out to be the best in the franchise, that those two games wrote the eulogy for Konami’s dominance of the rhythm game. When Konami released Rock Revolution, a product that would have been well-received in 2003 became one of the worst video games of 2008,* a derivative work that highlighted the complacency of Konami rhythm game design.

Despite the success of Guitar Hero, a pretty serious issue was looming. For consumers new to rhythm games, the question wasn’t about what Guitar Hero could do to continue being fun. It was: “When will I get to play music from my favorite band?” The wild success of Guitar Hero II (seven million units moved at retail) changed the outlook for record labels. It was no longer a question of whether music video games could become advertising outlets for the songs on the radio. The 2007 release of Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock is where day became night for the development process.

Most rhythm game fans know the story by now. Harmonix was satisfied with their work on the Guitar Hero franchise. They wanted to move on to a band-based rhythm game. Publisher Activision (who acquired original publisher RedOctane after the success of the first Guitar Hero) told Harmonix to piss off. After half-assing their contractual obligations with the immediately-forgettable Guitar Hero Rocks the 80′s, Harmonix agreed to a 175-million-dollar buyout and granted Activision the rights to the Guitar Hero name and franchise. Harmonix would secure Electronic Arts as the publisher of Rock Band. Activision would grant future Guitar Hero development to Neversoft. Financially, it was a win for everybody involved. But it would eventually prove to have damaging consequences.

If you still take rhythm game level design for granted, then you didn’t play Guitar Hero III. The best term to describe it? Overcharted. Songs with overdoses of hammer-ons and pull-offs became the norm. Power chords (three-button notes used springly when they were introduced in Guitar Hero II) became the new two-button chord, artificially inflating the difficulty of Guitar Hero III and inflating the number of gamers who would be in the hospital for carpal tunnel.

But from a musical standpoint, Guitar Hero III featured the most impressive music lineup of any game to ever hit the West. Nearly every one of the seventy-three songs was a master recording. After years of tolerating cover music, players were now getting the real thing and there was nothing to hold it back.

The emphasis on master tracks and A-list music brought the genre to a crossroads. Guitar Hero’s mainstream appeal was the ability to become your favorite rock star. So the question was: Are companies going to make song selections on the basis of “what people like”? Or what songs play well? They chose the former. They outsourced their level design to businessmen whose sole function is to hide the gaping mediocrity of Taylor Swift.

You can’t fault them. Capitalism, “Activision exists to please shareholders”, blah, blah. Unless you’re convinced that sacrificing long-term profits at the expense of the short term is a proper business model, then employees at both Electronic Arts and Activision failed to balance supply and demand. Just not the kind of supply and demand you’re thinking of.

After Guitar Hero III sold fifteen million copies, “rhythm games as a music advertising platform” became the reality. Early on, it worked okay. When the greatest bands in Western rock got into a high-profile rhythm game, they were doing it in small pieces. And from a marketing standpoint, that’s exactly how you do it. Know how diamond owners artificially limit the supply of diamonds to keep prices high? Same deal. Control the flow. High demand? Doesn’t matter. Keep supply low. Your audience only has so many “favorite songs”. Keeping that supply low kept fans guessing and hoping. It built excitement. When would Led Zeppelin finally get their due? When would Apple open up The Beatles’ music library? When Metallica featured their opus One in Guitar Hero III, it was a pretty big deal. The first Metallica foray into guitar games. And in what should be little surprise to fans of the band’s mid-to-late-eighties rock operas, it played very, very well. Mission accomplished.

And then something funny happened.

Released two months after Guitar Hero III, Harmonix’s band-based dream child Rock Band became a massive success. Its lasting legacy went beyond a continued emphasis on good music selection, where songs now had to be entertaining across guitar, drums, bass, and vocals (which incidentally rendered most Rock Band music selection a jack of all trades and a master of none). Rock Band legitimized the bits-and-pieces downloadable content model. Rock Band is the reason companies can sell you virtual clothes for your virtual avatar and charge you real money.

The idea was simple: Create a library of music so vast that any player could find any song they were interested in. And in the infancy of downloadable content, it sounded crazy. But consider the value: The awesome song you want to play…for two dollars. For a four-in-one video game? Not bad.

On the eve of the release of 2008′s Rock Band 2, Harmonix “promised” that they would have five-hundred songs in their online marketplace by the beginning of 2009.* In a world dominated by by seventy-song music, that was quite impressive. To-date, the Rock Band downloadable library stands at over 1,000 different songs.

Harmonix succeeded in opening the floodgates. To put it nicely, Activision got clowned. Their downloadable content racket sucked. “Two dollars a song” could succeed with a music game where you could play four different instruments. Guitar Hero only offered access to bass and guitar. And it only became worse when Activision refused to license their content for backwards compatability. (Forcing your customers to get off the couch and change the disc. That’s bad.)

How was Activision going to keep up? By continuing to dominate the outlets they already owned. Harmonix conquered downloadable content. To that point, Activision had conquered retail. Even Harmonix’s finest Rock Band outings were being outsold two-to-one by the franchise they created. So Activision would continue to conquer retail. It proved quite damaging.

The first salvo? Aerosmith was finally getting a music game. Yup. It’s true. This is the first one. I read it on the internet. And they had everything going for them: It would be the first Guitar Hero game since Guitar Hero III. Activision could have shit in a bunch of boxes, called it Guitar Hero 4, and it still would have moved millions, with reviewers claiming the game smells like a winner.

Eventually released in June of 2008, Guitar Hero: Aerosmith was absolutely forgettable. It felt more like “a Guitar Hero game with a lot of Aerosmith songs” than “Guitar Hero: Aerosmith”. And in contrast to the manic difficulty of its predecessor, guitar game score database ScoreHero received full-combo (100% notes hit) score submissions for all of the game’s 41 songs on the very first day. For comparison, it took nine months for any players to conquer Guitar Hero III boss song Through the Fire and Flames. Aerosmith proved the kind of game you would play for nine hours straight on launch day and then never again. But Activision cornered the market on Aerosmith. The game sold approximately four million units at retail. And then nobody would ever want to play another Aerosmith song again.

Four months later, Activision released Guitar Hero: World Tour, an all-band rhythm game doubling as a tacit admission that the publisher got it wrong when it came to Harmonix’s requests. Another eighty-six master recordings for the brick-and-mortar retail market. Six months after World Tour, Metallica got its own Guitar Hero game. Its role as “surprisingly playable” would only sneak up on the consumer if they didn’t care for Metallica’s music. Favorably reviewed, it would sell approximately half the copies of Guitar Hero: Aerosmith. And then nobody would want to play another song from Metallica ever again.

Needless to say, this was a tad concerning for Electronic Arts. Despite critical praise and a massive, backwards-compatible library of music, September of 2008′s Rock Band 2 proved underwhelming at retail*. (Though it’s hard to imagine why a sixty-dollar video game and its 180-dollar big-box package would sell short in late 2008. Someone bail me out here.) Regardless of the reason, Electronic Arts and Harmonix were losing. It’s one thing to become the face of downloadable content. At retail? Guitar Hero was winning big. The irony in all of this is that Electronic Arts used Rock Band as one way to convince consumers that their company was moving away from a mid-decade culture of play-it-safe sequels and moving towards original, high-quality products. And they were now losing to Activision’s culture of play-it-safe sequels.

Somebody in Electronic Arts made the decision that they had to start going punch-for-punch with Guitar Hero’s sequelitis. And in October of 2009, the company announced their left hook: Developer Harmonix was working on a game that would honor the legacy and music of The Beatles.

Yes, those Beatles. Funny how that works. In 2007, a downloadable content store spawns. Record labels love it. And all of a sudden, the genre becomes an arms race. Merely four years after the release of Guitar Hero, the top of the food chain was reached. Though nobody bothered to question whether The Beatles’ library of music would be any fun to play.

Months after the release of The Beatles: Rock Band, MTV Games’ general manager Scott Guthrie conceded that they “underestimated the competition” when this game also clocked in below expectations.* And then nobody would ever want to play a guitar game featuring The Beatles ever again. So think about the band-based music games that followed. Nothing could top “We are taking The Beatles’ music and turning it into a music video game.” Once you’re done failing to sell the mainstream on arguably the most famous musical act of the last century, what chances does a game featuring Van Halen have? A game featuring Green Day?

Congratulations. You have not only conditioned your market to believe “music that plays well” does not have any place in the rhythm game genre, but your audience now believes a great rhythm video game requires their favorite music to be successful. You have taken the novelty out of a great songlist. It’s no longer about “Wow! This is a great music! I absolutely must buy this game!” It’s now about “This songlist sucks. I’m avoiding it like the plague.”

Your only chance to bring back audiences is to innovate. In a genre where the “incredible innovation” of Dance Dance Revolution on face value appears to be “I play this game with my feet instead of my hands!”, that’s a bit of an issue. So an intriguing franchise like Bit.Trip?* Didn’t have a chance at fame the moment it left the development studio. When it comes to market conditions, innovation is going to continue getting its ass kicked.

Case in point? Guess I have to be the one to defend an Activision product.

I’ll be forward in stating I have little experience with the DJ Hero franchise. But hey, the sequel has currently carved an 88 on Metacritic.* Say what you want about review mills, the game is probably worth a try on principle. And if the sequel adheres to its predecessor, then it does a lot of good things. From a design point, it takes separate music tracks and splices them together. There’s your level design. It grants players the freedom to manipulate that music. You could not pay people to give a fuck about this game. And why is that? Sure, dance music doesn’t build the same commercial appeal as a rhythm game built around rock and roll. Sure, DJ Hero probably doesn’t have the same kind of appeal for parties. But your audience wants their favorite tracks uncut. They don’t want Lady Gaga’s manhood in their band’s favorite music, even if it turns out to be a really fun product.

Which takes us to the Rock Band 3 approach. We must ask: The ticket to winning back mainstream audiences that want to live our their rock dreams without the difficult task of learning a musical instrument?

Add so many buttons that players can learn a musical instrument and live out their rock dreams. And charge the hell out of them to do it.

De-emphasizing level design and spending additional resources in the “production values” department? Clearly, that’s not an issue exclusively endemic to the rhythm game genre. Compare the abstract art of Doom level design to the setpieces in Gears of Halo: Warehouse Evolved. The difference is that the first-person shooter is thriving. And there’s no cultural or market forces that indicate it’s letting up.

Market saturation is temporary. It’s how Electronic Arts can reboot the eleven-year-old Medal of Honor franchise and sell a million-and-a-half copies in five days.* Releasing seven for-console and for-portable Guitar Hero games in the span of twelve months is a temporary market issue. Conditioning your audience to accept no music substitutes is a long-term issue. When Sony used their Playstation to convince those who grew up on a Nintendo that Mario was for pussies, they didn’t wreck the market for Mario. Guitar Hero has made it nearly impossible for games like Amplitude, Dance Dance Revolution, and PaRappa the Rapper to take a foothold with mainstream audiences.

But hey, maybe rhythm gamers will get lucky. The rise and fall of Guitar Hero showed a lot of crazy shit can happen in a few short years. But if the rhythm game gets its respect back, you’d best hope we don’t get fooled again. Or through the fire and flames, we’ll carry on. Or this bird, you’ll never change.

If the rhythm game genre continues to be as stale as my punchlines, you’re all fucked.

Special Thanks To the Rock Band, Guitar Hero, and IGN websites for fashioning the picture content supplied in this article.

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To comment on this article as a guest or registered member, please visit the forums.

By Michael Lowell

October 17, 2010

Episode 8: The Grand Finale
Episode 7: The Gauntlet
Episode 6: Climbing the Walls
Episode 5: In the Crosshairs
Episode 4: Blind Sided
Episode 3: On Thin Ice
Episode 2: Making Waves
Episode 1: Coming Out Swinging

WCG Ultimate Gamer Season 2 Sing-Along Guide
Episode 8: “The Grand Finale

I would like to begin by apologizing to my readers. I know how you feel about substance. Shockingly, this reality video game television show did not deliver on substance.

But we made it. The final episode. It is here. Forty more minutes. In the next week or two, I will begin making it up to you. Real content. With real thoughts. Real ideas. And it will be awesome.

But as awesome as the World Cyber Games™, the Olympics of Gaming™? I fucking doubt that! Reality TV! Wooooooo!

Note: I’m three-and-a-half minutes into the show and I have nothing interesting to say. This doesn’t bode well. Oh, Kat qualified for the “final three”. Guess that’s important. She was wearing red shorts. The short kind. That’s important, too.

3:36 – Hannah: “Caesar and Jake: One of you will earn the last spot in our final three. The other will be going home.” Fuck yes. This is the moment we have been waiting for: Two console first-person shooter buffs will settle their differences by hovering their scope in the general direction of enemy targets and we will find out who has auto-aim activated.

4:42 – Well that was uneventful. Good work, Caesar. This may be the first time anyone or anything from the state of New Jersey has ever finished in the top three.

5:22 – Poor Jake. Wait, you sheddin’ tears? Dammit, I told you! There’s no crying in e-sports!

6:23 – Really? All the amenities in this apartment and Yaz has to grind out his gaming experience by sitting on a footstool?

6:28 – Yaz: “Guys, there’s a laptop down here.” This is either the most contrived moment in television history, or Solid Snake dodged cameramen and contestants to deposit that laptop on the table. It could also be the worst Samsung product placement to-date! It could even be all of them! Anything can happen in reality television!

6:38 – Pre-recorded video file Hannah: “Hey guys, Joel and I are waiting for you on the rooftop. See you soon.” Fuck her. This is like calling somebody to let them know you sent them e-mail.

7:10 – Joel: “The WCG Grand Final™ is the largest, most prestigious gaming competition in the world.” Great to know. Know what’s even better? This episode’s original airing was four days after the 2010 World Cyber Games. Hell of a job using this television program to sell interest in your once-a-year grand finale.

7:29 – Hannah: “…only two of you can make it to the finale. There will be one last challenge to determine who that will be at some point in the future.”

8:33 – Everyone has officially left the loft. Except the cameraman. Cameramen are creepy like that. If I’ve learned anything from the internet, people don’t use cameras to record non-perverted footage.

8:37 – Dammit. Character development. I hate that. Ever watch an NBA game? During the broadcast, the network airs promos called “NBA Cares”, where players give back to their communities by honoring their court-ordered community service. The commercials will show players reading children’s books and building houses for the homeless. This is the same deal. We need to humanize the contestants. Show people they’re like me and you. And it is sappy. And it has nothing to do with their gaming exploits.

9:35 – Kat, on her family: “It’s always gaming, all day.” Remember how I said that the best in any competition is dominated by a combination of skill and obsessive-compulsive behavior? I was not fucking kidding.

9:50-10:01 – Caesar’s employment is “I help the elderly.” So our Top Three? Small business owner, hot gamer chick, man who helps the elderly. I would be so fucked on this show. “Yeah, I don’t have a job right now. Most of my day involves telling people on the internet that they are wrong. I also have a gaming web site. Most of my writing details how people on the internet that are wrong.”

10:06 – Caesar: “So when Joel gets here, there’s gonna be a rule for Joel: Don’t stare at my girlfriend in the eyes. I don’t want you captivating her. You’re strikingly handsome.” What’s to say? The man is right. Joel shouldn’t be allowed around anyone’s girlfriend.

10:27 – Bonus points to Kat’s father. Kat opens the door to welcome Joel into the house. Joel is the host of a show that’s getting her daughter a shot at 100,000 dollars. The dad nods to see who is at the door and goes straight back to the video game. This would normally be disrespectful on several levels, but…it’s Joel, man.

11:00-11:15 – What the hell? Did I just walk into an episode of Housewives of New Jersey?

12:12 – First game? Green Day: Rock Band. Do I need to remind everyone why you should not build a rhythm video game around the band of a dozen power chords?

12:16 – Joel: “American Idiot. On the drums.”
12:21 – Caesar: “On expert!?” Oh, come on.

12:48 – Joel: “The [next] game…is BlazBlue: Continum Shift.” Eh. The only thing I know about the BlazBlue franchise is that Bridget is a girl and repeatedly claiming she is a guy does not change that. (Author’s Amendment: Yeah, forgot. Bridget is from Guilty Gear. Same company does both games. In the words of Chris Tucker: “All y’all look alike!”)

13:23 – And the last game? Halo: Reach. A tactical shooter without tactical gameplay options? A game that plays at half the speed of Quake III Counter-Strike? How could this get any more exciting?

13:33 – Kat: “[Halo: Reach is] not even out yet!” The airdate of this program? October 7, 2010. Halo: Reach? Released on September 14th, 2010. That’s some fine editing, gentlemen.

13:39 – Yaz: “Oh, shit. Kat is a Halo player.”

13:43 – Joel: “Well, I think the argument goes…we all need to be Halo players if we’re going to be the Ultimate Gamer™, right?” FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

13:59 – Joel: “Little bit nuts that this is [Kat's] living room and there are six Xboxes.” I hope this lends perspective as to why you will never be a professional gamer. Or maybe the air conditioner broke and they bought a replacement heating system on the cheap.
14:42 – Kat’s dad: “Studying, reading books, never gonna get you anywhere. Go play your video games.” Know who Royce Gracie is? The man who popularized Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu? That man is training his children to kill from the moment they leave the womb. It is truly fucked up that Royce’s psychotic behavior was the first thing to come to mind when I wanted to describe the institution of video games in the Katherine Gunn household.

15:32 – This is the beauty of modern video games: We can simply pretend “Tron as a video game” never happened. The 2008 Xbox Live Arcade adaptation and its 42 review average on GameRankings?* Never fucking happened. 2003′s Tron 2.0?* Never happened. Yup! We’re finally getting a Tron video game. And we’re combining it with the number one rule of competitive gaming: Video games don’t become sports until its audience determines they’re good enough to be sports. Our contestants are now beta-testers. Wonderful.

Calling it now: This game does not get higher than a 60 on MetaCritic. I’ll bet a used Starcraft II Guest Pass on it.

19:32 – Sorry, Caesar. New Jersey needed a hero and you could not give them one. All because you finished last place in a video game that will be eviscerated by fans and critics alike. In fairness, Kat and Yaz were clearly the two best gamers on the show. I can’t say that the best talent got screwed. But at least you chewed out Jake. In my book, you are the Ultimate Gamer™.

20:11 – News flash: When you retrospect a player with a montage, you are supposed to showcase the integrity of the contestant. “Let’s cut to that scene where Caesar was wearing eyeliner!” is not one of those moments.

21:30 – Yaz, while entering the Los Angeles Convention Center: “Wow.”
21:31 – Holy shit, Yaz. You weren’t kidding about the window dressing. This place has escolators.

21:40 – Should have seen this coming. This is going to be one hell of an infomercial.
22:04 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT.
22:18 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED ALIENWARE AD PLACEMENT.

22:29 – Kat: “Running into Season One cast members was great. Jamal and Swoozie.”
22:32 – Jamal: “See this dude [Sebastian] over here? He’s The Chosen Bum.” Words can’t describe how hilarious this was. Poor Sebastian nods to the camera right as Jamal lays down the insult.

The picture does not lie. And pow! Jamal remains the most awesome person ever.

22:57 – Yaz: “Can’t lose to a girl.” So if Kat wins, what value does she have as a figurehead? That the small universe of girl gamers will look up to Kat and unite against the perverted male gamer universe? I can’t see this happening.

23:34 - THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT.

23:39 – Is that Kat’s final practice run? Her two-star performance on American Idiot? Do you know how hard it is to get two stars on a song? You have to tank to get two stars. As in “deliberately stink up the joint”. In the two years I regularly played Rock Band, I only did it once. And I had band members to help with that.

23:59 – It’s official: Hannah is out of clothes. She has now resorted to wearing drapery.

24:40 – Hannah: “We’re showcasing some amazing games tonight from three different genres. They are: A rhythm game from everyone’s favorite punk band.” Hannah, Green Day did not code the video game. You cannot program a video game with power chords.

25:45 – Hannah: “So what does it mean to be the first female gamer to stand here on this stage?”
Kat: “I think it means a lot to show that girls can kick guys’ butts.” Just remember, Kat: Video games are an escape from reality.

26:05 – No! Stop bringing up that Yaz threw an Isolation Challenge™! What is this? A Hitler peace rally where the Nazis keep invoking the invasion of Poland?

26:51 – The black man would wear shades on a dimmed studio set. Oh, right. Sebastian is covering up that black eye Jamal handed out.

27:11-27:25 – Same scoring system as last year: First game is one point, second is two, third is three. In other words, Yaz is fucked. I no longer have the energy to claim this is rigged. Last year’s finale was pretty solid. Robert Paz and Mark Smith played Shaun White Snowboarding (neutral), Gears of War 2 (neutral), and Soul Calibur IV (neutral). This year? Yaz is not winning at Reach and he is not winning at BlazBlue. And Reach is going to be the last game, the three-point game. Congratulations, Kat. You won.

28:19 – And we begin our road down Green Day’s uninspiring music!
28:25 – I’m just going to copy-paste what I said during the Rock Band Elimination Chamber™ showdown from Season One:

“And after the intro guitar section on Offspring’s Come Out And Play, Robert is up by the score of 5,850 to 3,400. And this is why Rock Band is a boring game at the competitive level. Know how during presidential elections, news outlets can call a state when three-thousand votes are in? With one percent of the song over, I can already call this for Robert.”

Drums are even more unwatchable than guitar because the drums are about consistency. There are very few “Here’s your chance to mount a comeback” moments in rhythm game drums…

28:55 – Joel: “It is anyone’s game at this point.” Hulu needs an ignore function.

32:35 – Don’t worry. If you have no idea what is going on, that’s fine. That’s the norm for fighting games. See the meters? The bars? I can locate the health bar. That’s it. Maybe that’s your guard meter. Or maybe it activates your Meter Meter, where you can activate various meters. Fuck, this game is confusing.

33:21 – Joel: “What a mighty character. That sword is too much for Yaz to handle.” Stop talking, Joel!

35:40 – Poor Yaz. Whitewashed in the fighting game. All a prelude to Kat’s inevitable victory. Computer gamers do not deserve this shabby treatment!

37:47 – Bears repeating: Halo one-on-one deathmatches are shit.

38:09 – As a man who thought the Pistols in Halo: Combat Evolved were the design work of a madman, watching both players immediately swap from Assault Rifles to Pistols got a hefty laugh out of me.

39:48 – 5-0, Kat. This isn’t going to be close, is it?

40:42 – This is over. Lousy women. Beating us at our own game and rubbing it in our faces. We need to ban women from professional gaming so this will never happen again.

42:43 – Hannah: “So how does it feel to have won the entire thing?”
42:53 – Kat: “I have a hundred grand now. I mean, can kind of do a lot with that. So, I definitely have a lot of big things planned, and a lot of gaming.” You just won six-figures and the only thing you can think of is video games. And that’s why you are better than me at them.

43:02: – Hannah: “Yaz, you have been an amazing competitor, but unfortunately for you, it’s game over.” Yeah, throw the victory celebration and then mock the runner-up. Hannah has no sense of the moment. It’s like she’s only on the show to read cue cards and look pretty!

43:43 – But the biggest winner? A.J. A girl finally made contact with him. Props.

Can’t say Kat didn’t deserve to win the whole thing. The visit to the household really shed some perspective. It’s one thing to be good at a single genre. It’s another to spend that time and energy on an entire range of competitive video games. She was built for the competition. Nice to see her gamer score finally paid off.

But now? It’s over. It’s finally over. Our long, national nightmare is over. We have conquered Season Two of World Cyber Games: Ultimate Gamer™. So who’s ready for Season Three?

Me too!

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Special Thanks To:

Photographic and television content, both created by the World Cyber Games.

Hulu, for having television on the internet.

To comment on this article as a guest or registered member, please visit the forums. Otherwise, return to the main page.

To comment on this article as a guest or registered member, please visit the forums.

By Michael Lowell

October 10, 2010

Episode 8: The Grand Finale
Episode 7: The Gauntlet
Episode 6: Climbing the Walls
Episode 5: In the Crosshairs
Episode 4: Blind Sided
Episode 3: On Thin Ice
Episode 2: Making Waves
Episode 1: Coming Out Swinging

WCG Ultimate Gamer Season 2 Sing-Along Guide
Episode 7: “The Gauntlet”

Who said I was finished? You were really hoping I was, weren’t you? Too bad. This blog is a dictatorship. And I am the will of the people!

3:19 – Kat: “Going into The Gauntlet™ now, it’s all about video games.” Poor Kat. She is going to be so disappointed. The Gauntlet™ is about video games, all right. But not really. It’s like waking up on Christmas day, opening the package, and finding an Xbox. And then it finally dawns on you: You received an Xbox for Christmas. Real downer.

3:43 – Kat: “[Yaz] went from PC to console and has dominated.” No shit. Putting a PC gamer in the Ultimate Kiddie Console Challenge is like watching a mixed martial artist in a boxing match. No, that’s not right. It’s like throwing a boxer into the cage. No, wait…

4:14 – Yes. Every player in The Gauntlet™ is going to get a montage. What’s that thing about “Show, Don’t Tell”? We are seven episodes in. We don’t need to hear how good these gamers are. If this show is doing its job, we already know.

4:46 – Good time to point out Jake’s week-by-week overall rankings: 4th, 1st, 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 2nd. Sure, the scores are fudged. Real-life challenges do that. But still, respect.

5:24 – Joel! Go awayyyyy!
5:28 –
Kat: “Oh my God. God dammit.” Poor Joel. Can’t even command the respect of gamers. And we’re tip-toeing the heads of furries when it comes to the Internet Chain of Command.

5:38 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT.
5:40 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT.
5:43-5:52 – Courtesy of Kat: THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT.
5:53-6:00 – Courtesy of Joel: THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT.
6:01 – Joel: “So tonight is a 3-D gaming challenge.” God dammit so much. Do I need to explain why a “3-D gaming challenge” in “2-D Television America” is stupid? Show, don’t tell, assholes!
6:07-6:10 – Courtesy of Justin: THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT.

6:15 – Joel: “The winner of tonight’s challenge will get what’s in this box.” Shit Joel, it’s The Gauntlet™. It’s a challenge that requires mental fortitude and stamina. What is the beholder of the box supposed to do with the remains of your dignity?

6:40 – Joel: “You’ll be playing one of the first digital 3-D games out there. It’s called Invincible Tiger. It’s a beat ‘em up side-scroller where you battle your way through hordes of enemies…” This sums up the “3-D gaming is bullshit” argument. To celebrate 2010′s gaming revolution, we are playing 1985′s Kung Fu. Invincible Tiger has a 65 on GameRankings.* And really? I’m not a graphics whore. But neither is Invincible Tiger. You chose this game to sell televisions?

7:36-7:40 – Courtesy of Jake: THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT.
7:53 – Joel: “TV looks great, huh?” Go to hell.

8:43 – Joel: “From here on out, only your gaming skills are going to keep you in this competition.” But why, Joel? Maybe we can begin awarding points to the man or woman who sells the most Samsung digital televisons!

9:39 – Yaz: “We walk in finally to this huge warehouse…empty, dust, random sounds creaking…” What is this infatuation with empty warehouses? There is an entire fucking production team behind that camera.

12:31 – The only surprise is that they’re playing Pac-Man. Ms. Pac-Man is a superior title with superior artificial intelligence and a superior challenge level. Though I’m sure Midway’s bankruptcy has something to do with it. Or maybe the men and women behind this show are a bunch of casual-gaming clowns. That sounds more likely.

13:37 – Jake’s box has two quarters. Now this bears the question: At 11:13, Joel announced that the contestants will play the game for up to ten minutes or until their demise. Does Jake receive ten minutes for two playthroughs or ten minutes per quarter? Despite the importance of this crucial information, I’m going to gander and assume this will never be answered.

14:05 – Another thing: Modern Pac-Man machines allow you to input a code that speeds the game up. Regular mode is for pussies. Total. Pussies.

14:31 – Way to go, Rachel. Pac-Man glitched through the ghost and you still died.

15:39 – Isn’t it convenient how the camera is titled high enough that you can’t see the player’s score? Ultimate Gamer™: Where your gaming ability doesn’t matter…
15:55 – …not that we don’t know the performance of Jake’s first game, a very meager 25,620.

16:07 – They’re resetting the machine after each player is done. Not that forcing every player to gun for the current high score would add some intrigue.

16:54 – Good work, Justin. You finally won. It took you seven episodes, but you won. I do not expect this to happen again.

17:40 – The four male gamers finished fourth. I thought the Pac-Man was notable for being the first video game popular with female audiences?
17:51 – Anyone else getting a Thelma and Louise vibe here? It’s so cute when girls are looking out for each other.
18:46 – Whelp, you dead, Rachel. Sorry. At least you looked good in a bikini. What do you say about that?

My thoughts exactly.

20:09 – Kat: “I actually have a lot more added pressure at this point because I don’t think a girl has made it into the top three.” Allow me to be candid: You are a girl. According to the internet, show us your tits. This entire show has been a referendum on what male gamers think of the other sex. What pressure?

20:55 – Handcuffs. They’re going to play Forza while handcuffed. Yup. Or maybe Hannah has a thing for cuffs.

22:58 – Justin, channeling the John Madden school of commentary: “I started doing alright, and then everyone else just started going really fast.”

23:13 – I was fighting neck-a-neck with Jake…he spun me out and then I hear Jake’s voice go…”
Jake: ‘Yeah, spin your ass out!’
Kat: “…and I’m just like, ‘Oh my God’. I was gunning for Jake at that point.” Let’s copy-paste what I said during Kat’s introduction in the first episode:

Kat: “In the past competitions I did, I actually had a problem with a lot with the girls, ’cause it’s hard to understand how to compete with them without getting on their bad side.” She is telling the whole truth and nothing but. She was all “I PLAY TO WIN” and they were all “NO THROWS U COCKNOOB”. Yup.

For those of you merely reading along and aren’t watching the show, this is what actually happened: Kat tried to spin Jake out. Kat spun out. Really. Kat’s brain is the equivalent of a Fox News morning-cast. Her eyeballs are getting a completely different narrative than anyone else.

25:22 – Hannah: “Well…we have the results.” Oh, you know the results? Good. The five gamers who just competed in that race are very curious who won.
25:44 – Nice knowing you, Justin. You just got full parried by Forza Motorsport 3.
25:49 –
Hannah: “Now if you recall I said the player that traveled the least distance by the end of this challenge would be eliminated. But that wasn’t the end of the challenge. There’s a twist.” wat
26:18 – Hannah: “Justin, you just got a second chance.” WAT
26:29 – Hannah: “For the second part of this challenge you’ll be playing Forza again, but things are going to get even more difficult.”

Look: Nothing in the first part of the challenge alluded to a “second part”. Not the pacing or editing of the show, not the body language of the on-screen personalities. I’m not saying the show is fabricated, but the “surprise twist” just benefited the gamer with the best credentials. I ain’t sayin’…I’m just sayin’.

26:43 – Hannah: “You will each be strapped into a straight-jacket.” Okay, I understood the handcuffs. But a straight-jacket? How you working that into the routine, Hannah?

27:36-27:40, 27:42-27:50, 27:52-28:00 – Now pictured: The worst ever use of Adobe Premiere’s “black-and-white horror” filter.

27:39, 27:42-27:47 – Finally, the human side of this production. A look at the randoms who make this a horrifying television experience. Though I must say, the brunette is kind of cute.

28:32 – Caesar: Luckily for me, I’ve got these spider-monkey legs man, so I just wrapped my legs around the steering wheel and just used the bridge of my feet for the gas and for the brake, and I was steering with my forearm, so I got it working pretty fast.” Do you hear this man? Real gaming is not about gaming. It’s about having attributes better used to describe NBA draft picks.

29:57 – Caesar: “I need to stay in the top four because fifth is going home.” Adding more fuel to the “Justin didn’t win so we’re doing this all over again” speculation: If fifth place is going home, why the hell did they play the first round?

Alright, enough of this.

[Fast-Forwarding]

33:44 – Joel: “We have combined your total distances from the first and second game.” This is the first time they have acknowledged “combined results”. Before you think I am going on a conspiracy binge: This entire medium is about fudging reality. Making things look better. It’s the show’s job to convince me it’s on honest terms. Not mine. The show is not doing that.

34:38 – Wong, I am disappoint.

35:42 – This looks like the setup for a really bad dating show. “Contestant number one: We’re on a video game reality television show and you’re looking for love. What failed sexual innuendo do you go with? Do you want me to play with your joystick? Or do you want to plug it into my USB port?”

36:14 – They’re playing a Splinter Cell game. Splinter Cell has multiplayer?
36:55 – Yaz: “And I said, ‘Oh crap, I’ve never played this game before.’” This is not a problem. If you’ve played one first- or third-person shooter on the Xbox 360, you have played them all. Based on what I can gather from the challenge, “use your abilities and cover to stay out of the line of fire” is nothing new.

37:09 – Joel: “You’ll be playing the game with only the reflections in the mirror to guide you.”
37:20 – Caesar: “This is gonna be so hard. And I immediately tell myself ‘You know what, everyone’s screwed, whatever. Get over it. Let’s go.”
39:51 – Kat: “Once the mirror starts spinning, if you’re not in cover, you could easily die.”
39:55 – Jake: When it starts spinning, there’s a gap where you can’t see your screen. It’s completely impossible.” Haven’t any of you played a video game with family members walking in front of the television?

40:23 – Kat: “Splinter Cell just gets you so zoned in to being the spy going around killing everything.” Uh, Kat? I get what you’re saying, but I think you have it wrong. The purpose of a spy is to get information and make progress through non-violent, covert measures. Spies aren’t “going around killing everything”.

40:57 – Yaz wins! Yaz wins! Theeeeee Yaz wins!

43:14 – I didn’t know Ultimate Gamer™ was in-tune with history. They’re using Richard Nixon’s re-election strategy: “I have a plan to win the war in Vietnam, but I can’t tell you until I’m re-elected.” Ultimate Gamer™? “I have a plan to tell you who won The Gauntlet™, but you won’t see it until the next episode.” Fortunately, the next episode is the last episode. And my personal gauntlet will be over.

Return to the main page.

Special Thanks To:

Photographic and television content, both created by the World Cyber Games.

Hulu, for having television on the internet.

To comment on this article as a guest or registered member, please visit the forums. Otherwise, return to the main page.

By Michael Lowell

Originally Published on October 2, 2008; Posted on The Ghetto on October 6, 2010

Warcraft III: Sim City

Back by popular request, the classic Will Wright computer game returns!  And this time?  Your teammates will hate you.

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By Michael Lowell

October 6, 2010

Starcraft II: Patch 1.2 Trailer Teaser (Patch 1.1.2)

Sir, they’re using our own gameplay devices against us and the clock is ticking.

And just in case you’re wondering whether I had fun making this video…

Watch the damn thing, would ya?

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By Michael Lowell

Originally Published on March 31, 2010; Posted on The Ghetto on October 6, 2010

Starcraft II: The “Official” IdrA “Mixtape” (Possibly Sponsored by And1)

Before IdrA was the most famous athlete on the planet, he would get mad at people and lose to really stupid strategies.  Therefore, this highlight reel exists.  ‘Cause he a natural-born IdrA.

Special Thanks To:

YouTube user TheStarcraftTwo for donating the footage in the video.

Return to the main page.

By Michael Lowell

Originally Published on January 24, 2009; Posted on The Ghetto on October 6, 2010

Warcraft III: Batman

In the Warcraft III Four vs. Four Random Team Matchmaking System, the players are represented by two separate-yet-equally-important groups: The Blademasters who commit war crimes and the Troll Batriders that humiliate the defenders.  These are their stories.

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To comment on this article, please visit the forums.

By Michael Lowell

October 5, 2010


Alpha Protocol
Xbox 360, Playstation 3, PC (reviewed on PC)
Developed: Obsidian Entertainment
Published: Sega
Released: June 1, 2010

It’s decision time.  Who is going to die?  The evil man behind this Bond movie?  Or the girl behind my intel?  I didn’t think it was a tough decision.  My girl was a pretty cool guy.  So I made up my mind.  Couldn’t let her go down. Then the game client shat its pants.  Why?  It was trying to load the next area.  I tried to reorient myself.  Big mistake.  By walking forward, I triggered the point of no return.  My girl got metal in her mind.  Yeah, that sucked.  Time to load my previous save file?  At this point, the game crashed.

That’s Alpha Protocol for you.  She is a fluxxom.  The shooting?  Iffy.  The stealth?  Crap.  The level design?  Awful.  But Obsidian Entertainment got real role-playing in my third-person shooter.  The same achievement that gave Deus Ex and Planescape Torment a place in the computer role-playing Pantheon.  Yup.  Alpha Protocol is a Game of the Year candidate stuffed in the shell of a horror show.

A true-role playing experience should analogous to an action figure.  After you’re done bending and smashing Captain Stabbo, he should still have all of his limbs.  That’s a tough task for a video game.  One piece of sloppy dialogue can shatter the entire experience.  The most prominent role-playing games of the modern era have been the Bioware Interactive Experiment™, where you know the consequences before you even pick a choice.  It’s “I can spare the shekels for your husband’s funeral” versus “You’ll be joining him if you don’t stop bothering me.” Morality doesn’t cut it.  Deus Ex got things done by stripping the player’s own conscience from the decision-making process.* J.C. Denton is a billion-dollar war machine.  Not his job to shed a tear for the fallen.  So it’s not yours, either.

Alpha Protocol writes its own standards.  Conversations unfold in real time, meaning the player has to think quickly about the next moment he opens his mouth.  It’s best described as “political play”.  Sure, the conversations can become black-and-white affairs.  But “Russian mobster” black-and-white is different from “pragmatic journalist” black-and-white.  It’s enough blacks and whites to paint any shade, and it’s up to the player to paint the canvas.  This isn’t Dragon Age, where Morrigan seemingly objects to your every move on principle.  If you say something stupid, you will know why it was stupid.  And that’s very rewarding.


This one decision will mean a lot.  And that’s a very good thing.

There’s no denying the results.  Alpha Protocol is a stealth-action Choose Your Own Adventure Book with enough endings and variants-of to shame nearly any game in the forty-year history of the industry.* It’s an incredible achievement.  The writing itself?  Sure, it could use some subtlety.  Liberal conspiracy wet dreams are more fun that way.  But it’s good enough.  It’s tough for wordplay to be creative when every dialogue tree needs to sound like a real conversation, lest lead character Michael Thorton begins channelling sentence-to-sentence mood swings.  The voice actors don’t overstep their boundaries, either.  Nothing fancy and nothing awful about it.  And given the no-nonsense context of the Alpha Protocol universe, that’s fine.

So it leaves one question to ask: Is the gameplay worth more than one romp?  Enough to spur on the satisfaction of discovering the Alpha Protocol universe through several separate playthroughs?  Only if you can distance yourself from a broken combat system and its broken everything.

The premise is truly computer role-playing.  Select your class, upgrade skills, develop specializations, buy loot.  Alpha Protocol is looking to be Deus Ex or Metal Gear Solid 4, where the player can plan their method of attack.  Stealth?  Trinkets?  Guns blazing?  It’s supposed to be your call.  After all, Alpha Protocol was advertised as the game where “Your Weapon is Choice”.  The reality is that all of your weapons suck ass, regardless of choice.

You’re not even fronted the bare essentials to play the game as a knife-to-throat affair.  True stealth is not an option.  Period.  You can’t close doors.  You can’t carry bodies.  Enemies in adjacent buildings?  They won’t be ears to your vaudeville re-enactment of Normandy.  But God-forbid you jog to the front of their hideout and open the door.  They’ll hear you before you get the damn thing open.


Try looking up, stupid.

Metal Gear Solid doesn’t give the player a radar to dumb down the experience.  Stealth is about pattern recognition.  And you’re getting all the criteria for how a player is detected by the enemy.  If you don’t do that?  You end up with Alpha Protocol, where the rules of reality change with every room.  The artificial intelligence isn’t merely frustrating.  It’s picky about when it wants to be frustrating.  It would be tolerable if your opponents had a reset button.  But if your scent slips, you might as well pull out the assault rifle and make your foes pay for hearing your footsteps.  Peyton Manning doesn’t have defenses stacked against him in the way Mike Thorton: Stealth Operative does.

So you’re left to become Michael Thorton: Small Army.  Do any of you remember Perfect Dark: Zero?  How the game deliberately restricted your accuracy to encourage a more conservative playstyle?  Obsidian Entertainment made the same mistake.  Numerous reviews labeled the role-playing nature of Thorton’s shooting skills as “I placed the reticle over the enemy and he didn’t die when I pulled the trigger.”  That’s a silly argument.  Alpha Protocol is role-playing.  The idea is that you’re gimped from the get-go and eventually unlock the assistance of a Counter-Strike aim-bot.  The problem is that this doesn’t happen.  Even with maximum proficiency, Michael Thorton can’t shoot a gun for shit.  Oh, if you’re taking your time with each shot?  Sure, the man is a machine.  Critical hits are fun.  But even with maximum proficiency, you have to delve into your “spellcasting” to reap the rewards.  Compare it with a game like Deus Ex (where maxing out a skill is akin to activating a cheat code) and it ain’t a whole lot of fun.

Not that it will prevent you from going all murderstorm on a room-to-room basis.  When your opposition got their special forces training, they were well-coached on how to hide directly in your line of fire.  And as for you?  Don’t worry about exposing yourself to enemy hail.  Their aim is worse than yours.  And with a health system ripped directly from the Borderlands playbook (regenerating armor to go with your static health bar), there’s no trouble parlaying one rack of armor into obscene amounts of punishment.  A tactical shooter that best plays like Doom?  Not good.

Even if the shooting and the stealth did their job, it wouldn’t matter.  It’s pretty Captain Obvious to state that level design is everything in a stealth-action platformer.  You can toss stealth aficionados with a silencer that shoots through walls and causes all the other guards to pee their pants, but it doesn’t quite matter if you don’t have shadows to work with.  In stunning contrast to the dialogue trees, the Alpha Protocol approach to level design is one-or-the-other: One door leads to a firefight, another goes around the urban warfare.  Sans some mandatory shootouts, that’s it.  And it becomes even more dreadful as you learn there’s nothing context-sensitive about the environments.  Don’t expect to take cover simply because you’re next to a wall.  Don’t expect to jump down from a balcony unless the game lets you.  You might as well invite your friend over and have him captain the movement controls so you can use the mouse and play the game like a rail shooter.

You’re left to take some comfort in the hacking minigames, and it is an understatement that your mileage will vary.  They don’t compensate for the skill of the player.  Not everybody won the genetic lottery or has room for a healthy diet of puzzle gaming.  So I may have an easy time cracking grids, but there’s a solid chance you’re fucked and only have a supply to EMP Charges to save you.


They got your mom’s Facebook game in your computer role-playing.

Take alarms.  It’s not a bad premise.  Navigate the wiring and punch out the circuits in the correct order.  Sound fair enough?  It’s timed.  As early as your second mission, you’ll be required to knock out seven circuits.  By the late-game?  Twelve.  No matter the number, you get twenty seconds.  And if you make a mistake?  You are damned, son.  To say there’s a difficulty curve would be disingenuous.  There’s no curve.  It’s like walking into Calculus on the first day and sitting down in front of the final exam.

In a video game review racket obsessed with “polish” (where Halo is an incredible game because it has no immediate flaws), Alpha Protocol got the shit kicked out of it.  And I don’t quite blame the critics.* Alpha Protocol is the truly ugly side of “we need another six months to work on this game, bear with us”.  I didn’t even have to spend a single second questioning whether I was the target audience for the game.  Sure, the minigames and the radial selection guide (very similar to the one employed in Ratchet and Clank) were clearly built for thumbsticks.  But in this modern, console-oriented development culture, I never felt that computer gamers were being given the finger.  Not beyond the design decisions and programming abortions present in every version of Alpha Protocol.

And when a small group of gamers declares this product a cult-classic, an example of what video game role-playing should be, I won’t be able to disagree with them.

At least not until the game crashes.

2 out of 5

(Games rated two-out-of-five will appeal to their target audience.  But against the body of work produced in this forty-year-old medium?  Against that copy of Beyond Good and Evil sitting on the rack for eight bucks?  Yeah, it has issues.)

To comment on this article, please visit the forums. Otherwise, return to the main page.