By Michael Lowell

February 22, 2011

Nintendo and Their 3DS Dilemma: Part One

Part One: A New, Smarter Competitor
Part Two: Convenience, Casual Gaming, and Domination

We have new video game devices on the horizon.  It’s time to make a big deal out of them.  That’s what gamers do.  The Nintendo 3DS is one nice piece of hardware.  There’s no new video game consoles to hold over audiences, so a portable Nintendo Wii with “glasses-free stereoscopic imaging” sounds pretty cool.  But enough talk about whether children under the age of six should be using a device with three-dimensional output.  Have you looked at the announced game library?  Nintendo always brings their development moxy to Nintendo hardware.  It’s those third-party developers that always disappoint.  They ain’t disappointing.  There’s some serious star power going into this device.  Street Fighter, Resident Evil, Star Fox, The Legend of Zelda, Splinter Cell, Dead or Alive.  This is all announced and confirmed.  There’s been a massive market for portable video games over the last two decades.  This may be the first time that major developers appeared confident and willing to peddle their wares in that portable gaming market.

Immediately, two thoughts clawed into my mind.  The first?  “Man, that’s an impressive list of franchises to stash on a portable video game device.  Nintendo must have done an incredible job assuring these companies that the anti-piracy measures in the Nintendo 3DS can take a punch right in the jaw.  None of these companies want to hitch a ride on the development debacles that plagued the Nintendo DS and the Sony PSP.”  Then there was a second thought.  “Woah, woah, woah.  Hold on here.  Since when did Nintendo decide that the hardcore gamer was so important?”

“What u mean Mikey Lowell?  Nintendo always makes great products!”  Nintendo is the most intensely and fiercely stubborn of all successful companies in the short history of the video game industry.  It’s not even debatable.  Even post-eighties Activision is looking for new ways to fuck over consumers.  Look at the consumer perception of Nintendo home hardware.  The Nintendo Entertainment System is a beloved part of eighties culture, so beloved that awful graphics design teams can dress their “indie games” in low-quality pixel art and market the product as “retro”.  The Super Nintendo wages bloodsport with the PlayStation 2 in the battle for “Best System Ever”.  The Nintendo 64 would be fondly remembered if Sony didn’t bludgeon Nintendo in a back alley for most of the late nineties.  The Nintendo GameCube is considered to be “kiddie crap”.  And then the Nintendo Wii won a massive audience by appealing to a new generation of children and their parents.  Every single Nintendo device played off of the same marketing tropes: “Your kids will love it!”, “Look at our revolutionary input device!”, and “Don’t worry about the lack of developer support!  All you need is Mario and Link!”  Nintendo’s highs and lows have all been created by pressing the same red button.  Nintendo’s products don’t change; only the culture and cultural climate that responds to their products.

So why now?  Why does Nintendo change their strategy?  Why does Nintendo use a portable gaming device to court the hardcore gamer?  Why does Nintendo tout third-party brand recognition as the cornerstone of a glasses-free stereoscopic portable gaming device?  I mean, damn.  Stereoscopic televisions still cost thousands of dollars.  The Nintendo 3DS is an introduction to that world.  And it doesn’t require glasses!  I’m not big on this whole “three dimensions” thing, but doesn’t that technology come with its own checkbook?

Well apparently, I’m that guy who descends from the mountain to share impending horror stories of the game industry.  I got one for you: Nintendo is staring face-to-face with a cold-blooded axe murderer.  His name is Steve Jobs.  Nintendo is changing their soiled pants by the hour and Nintendo is terrified of what Apple has brought to the market.

Weren’t expecting that one, were you?  Go back about twenty years.  Go back to 1991 and tell people that Nintendo and their Game Boy will face their greatest threat from Apple Computers.  Just make sure you have medical support on hand so people don’t die from laughter.  The company that engineered the Bandai Pippin and spent most of the nineties failing the basics of competent mouse design is now in position to usurp the Nintendo portable game market.  They didn’t even need to create a dedicated video game device to do it.

This story is a little bit complicated, so bear with me here.  The traditional narrative for competing with Nintendo was a matter of marketing and age demographics.  Sega and Sony are the two companies that figured it out.  Those companies indirectly competed with Nintendo.  Sega and Sony targeted adult audiences.  Sega and Sony peddled “more mature” video games.  While Nintendo was lauding the kid-friendly world of Mario, Sonic was “TEH BLAST PROCESSINGS” and “RADICAL SPEED” and “GENESIS DOES WHAT NINTENDON’T”.  While Nintendo was scrubbing the blood from their home version of Mortal Kombat, Sega Genesis developers were giving Congress more excuses to crack down on the video game industry.  While Nintendo was convincing moms to buy their children a Nintendo GameCube, Sony was creating the video game controller equivalent of the Rosetta Stone.  And with that DualShock 2 controller, its seven analog sticks and its fourteen shoulder buttons, the Sony PlayStation courted an audience looking to graduate towards more complex gaming experiences.

Sega and Sony understood what was the only rule for going to war with Nintendo: You do not go to war with Nintendo.  You are not going to out-kid Nintendo.  It’s not doable.  Well, technology has been transforming pretty rapidly over the last couple of years.  You remember that scene from Metal Gear Solid 4 where Liquid Snake incapacitates soldiers by interfering with the nanomachines in their bodies, where people are frothing at the mouth and throwing up?  That’s what would happen to society if the internet went down for a day.  Industrial society has demonstrated they cannot live without the internet.  During this time, Apple got pretty good at this “take existing concepts and polish the hell out of them” thing.  One of those devices is called the iPhone.  Thanks to the internet, this cellular phone can do everything except make a decent phone call.  You can play portable video games on this thing.  The consumer only needs to slide through a couple of windows to browse and purchase from tens of thousands of games.  Thanks to the iPhone and the now-gigantic market for smartphones, a second rule has emerged: Be more convenient than Nintendo.  Be more “pick-up-and-play” than Nintendo.  Apple has done it.

The iPhone has sold 50 million units so far, a number that is growing exponentially. Android phones are selling even faster. Yes, the 3DS can do gaming better–the graphics appeared to be roughly on par with the Wii. But as the famous saying goes, there is a limit to the number of electronic devices a person wants to carry in their pocket, and that limit is one.

- “Cracked” Senior Editor David Wong, More Proof the Video Game Industry is Out of Ideas (E3 2010); June 16, 2010*

“But Mikey, Nintendo will always have an audience!”  You’re right.  Market share isn’t the biggest issue.  Just like the Nintendo Wii does not “compete” with the PlayStation 3 or the Xbox 360, the Nintendo DS does not “compete” with the iPhone.  Nintendo’s problem goes beyond market share: Apple allows anybody to make a video game for their iPhone.  Anyone.  The game that knocked Angry Birds off the top of the iOS sales charts was created by a fourteen-year-old.* It’s a game where you roll a red rubber ball through a series of non-descript, physics-based levels.  Fuck that kid.* When fourteen-year-olds are making the best-selling games on your device, you have a quality control issue.  Sure, Apple has a content enforcement policy.  It has been so effective that a number of programmers have outright stolen content from other games on the Apple Store to package with their own.* In other words, there is no such thing as quality control in the mobile gaming market.  The free market acts as the quality control method.  That is, “I am not paying for your game unless you meet a pricing threshold.”  For thousands of games on the IPhone store, that pricing threshold stands at one dollar.

The consumer will now have to make a decision.  Parents have already purchased a cell phone for their children.  Adults have already purchased a cell phone.  Modern society has declared the cell phone a necessity.  The “Game Boy” is now secondary.  So which scenario is somebody more likely to take up?  “I’ll pay a couple of dollars to buy some games for the phone I already own?”  Or “Let’s go spend two-hundred-and-fifty dollars on a Nintendo 3DS and then pay forty dollars for each game?”  Which of those scenarios is more convenient to the casual consumer?  When consumers overwhelmingly choose the cheap and disposable games for their mobile phone, they will (if they have not already done so) destroy the price threshold for casual consumers and their portable video games.  And destroying that price threshold will then destroy the ability for Nintendo portable game devices to hold any dominance of the market.

“I actually think one of the biggest risks today in our gaming industry are these inexpensive games that are, candidly, disposable from a consumer standpoint,” Nintendo of America [President] Reggie Fils-Aime told Game Trailer TV host Geoff Keighley in the Spike TV series’ latest episode. File-Aime was on the show to promote the Nintendo 3DS, Nintendo’s next portable gaming machine, which launches next month in America.

Fils-Aime wouldn’t call $1 iPhone staple Angry Birds disposable. He called that one “under-priced.” But, he said, these cheap games create a “mentality for the consumer that a piece of gaming content should only be $2.” He said that 3DS launch-window submarine game Steel Diver, on the other hand, is a “full-fledged” game that will be worth its $40 or so asking price.*

Kotaku, Nintendo Frowns on (Most) Cheap iPhone Games, February 4, 2010*

So maybe the iPhone doesn’t directly compete with the Nintendo DS.  But the games are targeted towards similar audiences.  Remove Mario and Pokémon from the top-selling games on the Nintendo DS, and you’re left with a world of brain trainers and language-training software and fashion designers and pet shops.* And all of those casual consumers are asking: “Why should I pay thirty dollars for Nintendogs when somebody on the Apple store can give me the same game (albeit lower-quality) for a fraction of that price?”  It’s the exact same situation that caused the Video Game Crash of 1983.  Atari failed to fathom that they would need a way to “lock people out” of their Atari VCS.  When everybody with a budget decided they wanted to make a video game, there was nothing Atari could do about it.  Those developers and their terrible games devalued the market for the products that Atari and Activision were publishing.  Nintendo is very, very familiar with the lessons of the 1983 crash.  They designed the Nintendo Entertainment System to prevent it from happening again.  That’s what the lockout technology was for.  That’s what their draconian third-party development agreements were for.  Nintendo was playing dictator to make sure the quality of Nintendo products could justify a fixed price point, where every game hit the shelf for forty or fifty dollars and consumers wouldn’t question it.  And thus, Nintendo and other companies could sustain their business model.


Ad published in the Pennsylvania newspaper “Altoona Mirror”, May 16, 1984.

Now don’t you dare claim I’m protecting Nintendo’s bottom line.  Fixed price points have their own issues and they don’t always favor the consumer.  The growing world of used video games is an adverse reaction to the current sixty-dollar fixed price point for software on video game consoles, itself an adverse reaction to the monster budgets currently used in console game development.  That particular price point exists so megapublishers can masturbate to their explod-a-thons.  And obviously, the portable video game market is not going to “crash” like the video game market did in 1983, where the market shrunk by 95 percent from 1982 to 1985.  When video games crashed in 1983, that “reassured people” that video games were simply a fad or a novelty.  In 2011, too many people play video games way too passionately.  People are not going to wake up, decide that Angry Birds is not worthy of their palate, and stop playing video games.  It’s different now.  The rapid saturation of the portable video game market would simply devalue the “price point” of a portable video game and send the portable gaming market into an indefinite period of mediocrity.  “Why bother spending money to develop good portable video games if it’s not worth the money?  Why spend the money when we can make more money and assume less risk by going cheaper?”  That’s a scenario with tons of precedent in the entertainment medium.

Prior to the rise of television, animated cartoon shorts were packaged as part of a day at the movies.  It was the only distribution method for those cartoons.  As television made its move during the late fifties, those beautifully-animated, incredibly-well-written six-minute long cartoons couldn’t fill the programming schedules.  Television networks needed programming to full schedules.  The result was a series of animators that were perfectly willing to create cheap cartoons and television networks that were willing to broadcast them.  The animation in these shows proved so piss-poor (even the well-written ones such as Rocky and Bullwinkle) that they were derided as “illustrated radio”.  Didn’t matter.  Networks needed programming.  William Hanna and Joseph Barbera managed to Zynga the operation, building and dominating the next three decades of American animation by cutting costs and making as many disposable cartoons as possible.  In response, Disney and Warner Brothers stopped investing money in their animation departments.  (Let’s not forget that Disney animator Don Bluth became so frustrated with the state of the Disney animation department that he jettisoned for the video game market and directed the animation for Dragon’s Lair.)  Why bother?  Why make a good product and split hairs when Hanna-Barbera has a stranglehold on the market with a cheap product?  (Yeah, I’m calling out your love for Scooby-Doo.  Deal with it.)  Disney and Warner Brothers only began re-investing in animation during the late eighties and early nineties when they discovered their cartoons could be licensed with toy lines, cereals, video games, and flame throwers.  That is, the companies once again had the financial incentive to create well-animated and well-written cartoons.  (Then fittingly, Nintendo’s own Pokémon pretty much ruined that, but that’s another story for another day.)

You can find this scenario repeated ad nauseum throughout this last decade.  The continued dissemination of satellite and cable television has diminished the ability or the incentive for major television networks to fund traditional programming.  Actors cost too much money, writers cost too much money.  We now have a television market where networks lock a dozen ordinary people in a room or stuff them on an island and tell them to eat bugs or take shit from Donald Trump.  Look at the internet.  The idea that anybody can supply their opinion on a topic has destroyed print journalism.  Audiences are being left with a dangerously unfiltered internet where political polar opposites find creative ways to invoke Hitler and self-proclaimed cynics write their own narrative explaining how an entertainment medium works.

That saturation is now going to impact the portable video game market.  That distribution model does not favor Nintendo.  Apple and the other various smartphone creators now control the first move.  And the longer mothers are buying their kid a cell phone at the age of eight and nine, the more control that Apple and company earn with that first move.  Nintendo spent years neglecting the internet.  Nintendo spent all this time chugging along and telling the public that “they just make really good video games”.  They will lose their monopoly on the portable video game market because of it and the company knows they can do nothing to change that.

In order to win, Nintendo needs to find a way to keep the portable gaming price point stable.  They are going to try and do it with brute force.  That is why your Nintendo 3DS features what gamers would call an “A-list lineup”.  The chief goal of the Nintendo 3DS is to remind the public why you pay money for a Nintendo handheld gaming device.  It’s not about great video games.  It’s about psychology.  They are going to fight the public perception of what a video game should be worth with “premium portable video games”.  It’s going to sound like this: “Hey there, mobile gamers.  This is Nintendo.  Your smartphone may be able to play video games.  That’s nice.  But can it play Resident Evil?  Metal Gear Solid?  Dead or Alive?  We’re not talking about those watered-down point-and-touch rail shooters.  We’re not talking half-functional versions of established console games.  We’re talking about the real thing.  We’re talking about a portable video game device with the same graphics output as a current-generation video game console.  So if you ever decide that you’re bored with Ninja Farm or Zombie Birds, we have something much, much better for you.”

Slight problem with that: The entire history of portable video games, the market that Nintendo crafted and littered with the bodies of its competitors, says that cannot work.  The only thing that Nintendo has going for them is “B-b-b-b-b-but we’re Nintendo!”  I’ll have more on that soon.

Continue to Part Two: Convenience, Casual Gaming, and Domination

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The award-winning Physics Ball is back!  It’s the mobile game sensation that’s sweeping the nation, and that evil Doctor Square is at it again!  He’s stolen all the polygons (including the beloved Princess Pentagon) and plans to destroy them with an atomic bomb!  It’s up to Physics Ball to save the day!  As Physics Ball, you must navigate a series of non-descript, physics-based puzzles and save Princess Pentagon from this acute situation!  Tilt or touch your way through some of the most incredible worlds you’ve ever seen!  Will Doctor Square meet his rhombus?  Or will Physics Ball succumb to Doctor Square’s insidious right angles?  Only you can write this story!

The hype for Physics Ball 3 came to a fever pitch when it won an award for Honorable Mention at the Valdosta Middle School Computer Science Fair, Ages 10-11!  And since its release last month, Physics Ball has sold over seventy-five-million units in 127 countries!  That’s more copies than the world-famous Super Mario Brothers has sold in twenty-five years!  Incredible!

The cultural phenomenon of Physics Ball has been vigorously documented on major news networks, set the ground for a major Saturday morning cartoon, spawned a series of books for young adults, and led to the production of a major motion picture directed by Michael Bay!  There’s never been a video game franchise quite like Physics Ball!  TIME Magazine calls Physics Ball “the video game for people who hate video games and hate video game culture”!  The Utah Center for Family Parenting and Awareness has awarded the Physics Ball franchise their highest recommendation for non-violent childhood development and learning!  And the accolades just keep on rolling in.  Is there any video game that can match the might of Physics Ball 3: The New Challengers Alpha OS.X Service Pack 2 Turbo Edition?  Download the mobile game sensation and find out!


Do what the French could never do: Defeat a foreign invasion!


Make the big play and score a touchdown with Physics Ball 3!


“I was twittling a stick of pocky in my left hand while playing Physics Ball 3 with my right hand.  A female woman asked me what I was doing.  I explained that I was playing Physics Ball 3, the latest game in the Physics Ball series.  She said that she had played the game before.  She smiled politely.  It was at this moment that I cried.  Physics Ball 3 is beautiful.” – Magnus Roffelle, ArtGamersUnite.com

“I have been playing video games for almost three years.  Fart Wars and Zombie Ninja have long been the kings of the video game industry.  But it is time for them to step aside.  Physics Ball 3 combines the physics of a ball with the physics of a ball.  This is the greatest video game of the last hundred years.  It’s that good.” – Tanner Rozelle, Mobile Gaming Universe Online Magazine

“Move over, Farmville: Video games has a new Greatest Game of All-Time.” – Twitter feed of ZyngaFan882, professional FarmVille player

I have a friend who has been playing video games for decades.  He does not like this game.  He claims that it is primitive and numerous games have ‘done the physics-ball-based genre better, such as Super Monkey Ball’.  He does not get it.  Physics Ball is a video game for people who do not play video games.  I am not looking for a master chef’s finest meal.  I am looking for a burger on a bun.  That is what this game does.  It is a burger on a bun.  And it is tasty.” – Travis Roach, iDefinitionGaming.com

“I’m really into Physics Ball 3 now.  Woah, wow!  Man, you never know which way this crazy ball’s going to go!” – Milhouse Van Houten

“What ‘hardcore gamers’ do not realize is that not everybody has the time to play a video game for more than fifteen minutes.  I am a single mom with six children and I work three full-time jobs.  Physics Ball 3 entertains me while I am driving to my next job!  Call of Duty and Guitar Hero cannot do that!” – Debbie Gifford, single mother of six children who works three full-time jobs

“Physics Ball 3 is more proof that Microsoft cannot make a decent product to save their life.  Microsoft is the creator of the Halo series.  It is a very boring game.  I do not understand why you would play a game where the objective is to shoot other human beings.  Physics Ball 3 takes the opposite (and correct) direction.  It requires you to roll a rubber ball across a playing field.  Unlike a Microsoft product, it is very exciting.  Like the final quality of a Microsoft product, it is very hilarious!  Physics Ball 3 does it all!” – Derrick Mayer, lead writer, Apple Game Reviews

Play the game in the single-player mode!
Score calculates seamlessly and without frame rate interruption!
High-definition graphics push video game graphics to their limits!
Declared virus-free by sixty percent of commercial anti-virus programs!
Program does not degrade while stored in memory!
Certified allergy-free by the Alliance For Healthy Pets! (Note: Not tested on humans.)
Can be used as a paperweight in conjunction with mobile phone devices!

Now let’s go save the world!  Grab life by the balls!

Physics Ball, that is!

Physics Ball 3: The New Challengers Alpha OS.X Service Pack 2 Turbo Edition, Physics Ball, Doctor Square, Princess Pentagon, Evie the Irregularly-Shaped Polygon, and “Lawdy” the Racist Triangle are trademarks of China Red Potato Farms.  By accessing this website, you have agreed to the Terms of Use forwarded by China Red Potato Farms’ parent company China Personal Data Hacker Company.  The Terms of Use can be accessed by lowering all firewall and anti-virus settings and running the install file on the China Personal Data Hacker Company web page.

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By Michael Lowell

That’s Right: Ask Me Anything

You know those “talk amongst yourselves” posts on Kotaku? Those blog entries where Kotaku authors show incredible contempt for their audience by corralling their audience into closed quarters for the specific purpose of generating traffic and driving up ad revenue on their web site? (Or did I describe every Kotaku post in the history of Kotaku?) This page is a little like that. My existence and ability to eat isn’t predicated on whoring internet web traffic. There’s actual demand for an off-topic discussion thread, so I’ll give it to you.

I’m too poor to operate and maintain a real message board. And considering it currently costs me nothing to operate a message board, that’s saying something. Use this page to post anything you want to ask me. Use it to discuss topics with each other. If you want to make this a bit of an off-topic section, go for it. Just keep it clean.

If you’re worried that I can’t give you the answer you want, don’t worry: I’m the top-ranked video game cynicist in my Bronze League, so I know what I’m talking about.

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November 19, 2010

By Michael Lowell


Tetris Attack
Super Nintendo, Game Boy (Reviewed for
Super Nintendo)
Developed:
Intelligent Systems, Nintendo R&D1
Published: Nintendo
Release Date: August 1996

Americans don’t care for thinking games. True story, folks. Thinking games hurt their brains. Publishers (American and elsewise) typically sell puzzle games to the Americans in the same way McDonald’s appeals to children by dressing their toxic sludge with a toy. With rare exceptions from mega-hits like Tetris and Bejeweled, publishers win their American audiences by coupling their puzzle games with beloved mascots. That’s how it goes down. A mediocre puzzle game like Dr. Mario becomes one of the best selling video games for the Nintendo Entertainment System and the Game Boy; legendary puzzler Puyo Puyo is rebranded as both Dr. Robotnik’s Mean Bean Machine and Kirby’s Avalanche; the unheard-of arcade puzzle game Pnickies becomes cult hit Super Puzzle Fighter.

You’d best believe the fate of Intelligent Systems’ 1995 Japanese puzzler Panel de Pon was going to take the same road. Great game, indeed. But it wasn’t going to matter if she played like grease; Panel de Pon was a fantasy world with cutesy faeries and colorful block-swapping action. “Well, that could target the female audience.” Women only play the hell out of puzzle games they can find for cheap. They’re not playing Tetris if it requires a two-hundred-dollar video game console. That left the male audience to pick up the slack, and good luck convincing parents their ten-year-old wouldn’t get his ass kicked at school when he tells kids about the “faerie game” he’s playing. To compound the marketing nightmare, Nintendo was already hedging their bets on the Nintendo 64. As far as the company was concerned, the Super Nintendo was already on its way out. If Panel de Pon was going to make it to the States, it was going to need some muscle.

So, a couple of things happened. First, Henk Rogers (co-founder of The Tetris Company) lent out the Tetris name to a puzzle game that played absolutely nothing like Tetris. (Years later, Rogers openly regretted doing this.) Good enough, right? Everyone likes Tetris, right? Nintendo decided that wasn’t enough. The faerie thing had to go. How could they convince audiences this wasn’t a kids’ game? They borrowed the cast of characters from Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island. Right. I guess it didn’t matter if the storyline and graphics were a mish-mash of Panel de Pon carry-overs. Yoshi fucking rules and faeries are for faeries. So there, Nintendo got their brand recognition. Tetris Attack was born. It wouldn’t occur to Nintendo for nearly eleven years following 1996′s Tetris Attack (when 2007′s Planet Puzzle League marked the first time the franchise was released in the States as a stand-alone, mascot-free barn-burner) that Panel de Pon is a bad mother, no matter what you call it and how cute it looks.

So how does it work? You get several colors of blocks. Match the colors with a cursor that swaps blocks side-to-side. Clearing three blocks horizontally or vertically eliminates them from the playing field. Sound simple? Yeah, you have the option of clearing more than three blocks at a single time. The points from those combos are quality stuff. But thanks to gravity, that clear can create another set of cleared blocks, the beginning of a chain. Develop the moxy and you can start a chain long enough to take the entire playing field with it. “That’s nice, Mike. But what makes that different from Puyo Puyo or even average puzzle games like Columns?” It’s simple: The playing field can be manipulated in real time. That one design decision changes the entire game. It turns an interesting thinking and planning element (“How am I going to become the architect of this controlled demolition?”) into some beast of an action game, where hand-eye coordination is just as paramount as the ability to think fast.

If you’ve played any of the Tetris games since Arika laid their hands into the franchise, you know exactly what you’re getting here. Tetris Attack does what allowed Starcraft to endure long after the strategy component had been solved; what allowed Street Fighter to continue attracting audiences even as more complicated fighting games with more complicated move-sets followed. Those games treated execution as their most critical and most difficult-to-master skill. Tetris Attack uses the limitations of its input method (the controller and its directional pad) to create a more interesting product. The ability to move around the playing field is just as critical a skill as processing information quickly. (I know what you’re going to ask: “Weren’t you a vocal supporter of multiple-building selection? You know, the interface limitations that increased the mechanical skill required to play Starcraft? Didn’t you hate single-building selection and the unit selection cap?” I was and I still do. That hasn’t changed. Just like the input method works in the context of Tetris Attack, the limitations of the Starcraft interface worked within the context of Starcraft and only Starcraft. Single-building selection and the unit selection cap could not have returned in Starcraft II or any real-time strategy game following it. It was infeasible from a marketing standpoint and it was infeasible from a gameplay standpoint. Good luck telling the World of Warcraft audience that the upcoming Blizzard real-time strategy game would require players to click, click, click like it’s 1998. Thus, the onus was on Blizzard Entertainment to replace the mechanical skill present in Brood War with new and interesting game mechanics. Whether they succeeded in doing so is your call.)

What does this accomplish? It increases the number of viable decisions by granting otherwise-useless maneuvers prominence. Central to Panel de Pon’s highest levels of play are skill chains. This is the act of continuing your chain with a move that could only be accomplished as blocks are in the act of falling. For example, you can swap a block from a stable column with a falling piece in an adjacent column. The chain does not break as a result of this move. When the substitute piece hits the bottom, your chain (and your points) will continue moving upward. Swapping blocks while one piece is in mid-air? Is it hard? It damn sure can be. Hell, you can play Tetris Attack for years and never come across some of the game’s numerous nuances. They’re not integral to playing the game. But for the players who discover and master these tricks, it creates additional decision-making options: “Do I aim for the easy move higher up the playing field? I may not have the spare time to get my cursor up there. Maybe I should opt for the tougher play closer to my cursor.”

The formula works wonderfully in both major gametypes; marathon modes for scoring and versus modes for launching “garbage blocks” at your opposition. The story mode? It’s the Citizen Kane of video games. And by that, I mean “It’s what one expects when the Panel de Pon storyline is redone and repackaged for Yoshi and friends”, featuring timely character names such as “Flamer Guy”. But you’re still settling this ridiculous clash of worlds in the Tetris Attack versus mode, so it’s all good. The outliers? Stage Clear is what it is; advance from level to level by clearing a number of rows without dying. Puzzle mode is what it is; clear the screen with the alotted number of moves. Are they the most compelling components of Tetris Attack? Hardly. Is anyone forcing you to play them? Not as long as you’re hooked to the other game modes.

Anything there isn’t to like about Tetris Attack? It ain’t perfect. Not a lot of games are. (Roughly zero, by my last count.) What failings do we have? If there can be any complaints, we can unfairly fault the developers. They had no way of anticipating how skilled a number of Tetris Attack players would become. I am not implying that the game falls apart because of it. Don’t even think I’m implying that. It simply changes the rules of engagement. One nasty oversight of a scoring bug comes to mind. The chain system works on multipliers. Every consecutive move in a chain increases the multiplier by one. The maximum scoring multiplier is thirteen. The problem? You don’t earn points for anything past that multiplier. Whoops. This forces the player to complete various erroneous moves while your maximum multiplier is intact (any cleared blocks independent of your active chain receive the same bonus points). And versus mode? It doesn’t quite have the “offense” and “defense” that you would think of in a game like Puyo Puyo. Typically, the best strategy is to ram chains down the throat of the other player, which lead to gigantic garbage blocks (such as the one pictured above) that must be cleared line by line. This garbage can pile up so quickly that the game becomes a marathon where battles are decided by which player blinks first. And of course, this is compounded by a Super Nintendo processor that isn’t fully capable of handling. If you’re playing for score in the marathon modes, a skilled player can very easily reach the highest score, limited to five digits. (That is, five to ten minutes of playtime.)

Of course, this course of events where Tetris Attack “becomes too easy for its audience” assumes a course of events where players have spent years trying to master it. And if the biggest complaint you can levy towards a puzzle game is “I’ve played it for ten-plus years and it can’t handle what I’m capable of”, uh, yeah. Not bad for a “children’s game”, huh?

5 out of 5

(Games rated five-out-of-five are events, amongst the best your calendar year offered. And if you can’t put aside a couple of bucks for stuff like this, give up gaming. It’s never going to please you.)

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Special Thanks To:

Box art scanned and uploaded to the internet by contributors of TheOldComputer.com.