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By Michael Lowell

May 27, 2011

The History of Why I’m Tired of Your Tactical Shooters

Introduction and Part One: Advent and Imitation
Part Two: Serious Realism
Part Three: Xboxification
Part Four: Corporate Warfare and Conclusion
Epilogue: Controller of the Future

Part Four: Corporate Warfare

If you want a crystal ball into the future of console video games, current computer games are a good indication.  It’s been that way since SpaceWar! was programmed into a minicomputer during the sixties and commercial video games emerged in the seventies.  That’s just the way it works: A genre finds its origins on the computer (usually created or popularized by an independent or individual developer), genre faces peer review from a tough audience, genre evolves into a smash hit, mega-publisher “dumbs the genre down”, console juggernaut activated.  (And no, don’t think I’m dismissing the genre revolutions that occurred in the arcades and on consoles.  Those topics will come another day.)

The current universe of console first-person shooters was built by a previous decade of Doom, Quake, Half-Life, and so forth.  And even as shooter developers discovered that there was a much larger audience on the consoles, even as they piggybacked onto Xbox Live, those developers were not out of the clear.  They couldn’t begin filling their solid gold bathtubs with diamonds quite yet.  At the end of the twentieth century, publishers and developers working on numerous games in numerous genres on numerous platforms had fallen into a trap.  They had embraced what would become the biggest issue facing the entire pay-to-own video game industry.  And it only seems fitting that the pioneering efforts of the personal computer would gut nearly all significant commercial game development for the personal computer.

Beginning in the mid-seventies, American college students began tinkering with university mainframes in order to build their own video games.  The most popular formula became the computer-role playing game, inspired by the recent phenomenon of Dungeons and Dragons.  Thanks to the limited processing power of these computers, “role-playing games” became a misnomer.  The only thing that dnd, dungeon, pedit5, moria, and avatar did particularly well was crunch numbers.  Deal damage, kill monsters, gain levels, get loot.  It wasn’t role-playing.  Role-playing implies choice.  Role-playing implies meaningful decision-making.  It was dungeon crawling to the core.  By the mid-eighties, computers had become more powerful and computers were capable of doing more.  American game creators agreed.  They headed back to the drawing board.  They began introducing branching paths, building free-roaming worlds, and introducing elements of choice.  On the other end of the Pacific, it was a completely different story.  During the mid-eighties, Japanese gamers were playing the American role-playing games of the early eighties.  They were still getting the number-crunching fix.  Japanese developers derived inspiration from those early role-playing games and created a pair of monsters.  More precisely, 1986′s Dragon Quest and 1987′s Final Fantasy.

Once those two games sold millions, the Japanese became content with fucking that chicken.  Japanese Role-Playing was born.  Tossing aside some exceptions to the rule (Secret of Mana, Earthbound, Chrono Trigger, Star Ocean), the JRPG became so derivative that the genre was closer to bookreading, only instead of turning the page, you’d press the A button.  Obviously, Japanese developers couldn’t keep making the same role-playing games forever.  These conservative Japanese developers decided on two means for “improving” their brand of role-playing.  The first?  “Bigger, more complex stories!”  While nobody would dare mistake Final Fantasy IV for the best of storytelling, it exposed gamers to a complexity of narrative that hadn’t been seen outside of the adventure game genre.  The second?  “Bigger, more complex graphics!”  And come mid-nineties, the Japanese developers finally had access to technology that could win them unprecedented audiences.  Namely, video game consoles that used compact discs.  These developers now had free reign to create the “photo-realistic” worlds seen in recent Western computer hits such as Myst and The 7th Guest.  It allowed developers to load their games with full-quality symphony music and full-motion video with little regard for whether they had enough storage space to fulfill their orgasm.  These developers could now be what they secretly desired to be: Shitty movie makers.

More than 200 animators and programmers.  A multi-million-dollar production.  Over two years in the making!  And a cast of thousands!  They said it couldn’t be done in a major motion picture.  They were right.

- Narration, Final Fantasy VII Commercial, aired in the United States, 1996*

These developers had an ultimate goal: Create the video game equivalent of 1977′s movie epic Star Wars, the movie that used a massive budget and revolutionary special effects to redefine the way that its medium was developed, marketed, and sold to audiences.  SquareSoft was the biggest of the established Japanese role-playing publishers, so it was predictable that they would get there first.  The development of 1997′s Final Fantasy VII was built around a budget of approximately forty-five-million dollars.  At the time, it was rather obscene.  When the game began a march towards the eight-figure sales barrier, it validated every penny spent.  Console developers and publishers around the world took notice, and they wanted some time to think about the success of that game.  The question they had to ask is whether they were in the business of developing video games or motion pictures.

Consider the positives and the negatives.  On the down side, it would be extremely expensive for these companies to one-up each other, all trying to create the prettiest game engine or the newest video game graphics breakthrough.  On the other hand, Final Fantasy VII was the talk of both consumers and the industry, a cornerstone title of the Sony PlayStation that doubled as a colossal “go fuck yourself” to Nintendo.  And think about it: You’re a gigantic publisher with millions upon millions of dollars to spend on video games.  Smaller competitors don’t have this luxury.  What better to shut those small guys out by convincing consumers a video game is no good unless it’s peppered with “production values”?  You can design the industry in a way that small companies need your money to make a game people will buy.  The major publishers all concurred.  They were taking their war chests and going all-in.  They wanted to be Silicon Hollywood.

Pictured: The 2009 version of a franchise that plays no better than it did in 1994.

When this call to arms began, it sent the price of developing a video game soaring into skies only inhabited by the most absurd logic.  These companies had little issue with their decision.  That is, until they realized the mistake they had made.  Developers have often lived and died from the sales of game to game.  Gigantic publishers were now assuming that risk.  In 2005, the disastrous release of platforming classic Psychonauts nearly ruined publisher Majesco and sent the company’s shareholders into a mutiny.  2007′s Rock Band has been reported as having a development budget as high as 200 million dollars. Almost fifty million dollars was poured in seventh-generation sandbox game This is Vegas…before it was cancelled.* In 2009, it had been estimated that the price to develop a game for the Xbox 360 or Sony PlayStation was roughly thirty million dollars.* The business model they embraced was beginning to price out the middle-class video game, the cheaper cousin of Grand Theft Auto or Halo or whatever.  “Production values” were designed to get consumers responding positively to games like Halo.  Consumers were now responding negatively to games that didn’t feature “teh awesome graffix”.

When first-person shooter developers scrambled to reap the lucrative world of Xbox Live, it re-oriented where the genre could make money.  If consoles hadn’t proven a more profitable platform for shooter development in the wake of Halo: Combat Evolved, Xbox Live confirmed they could be.  When the frightening nature of spiraling game development costs were realized, it was a guillotine for computer game development.  It was here that exclusive development for the big ol’ box pretty much crapped on its ass.  Yeah, a couple of companies carried on.  But at this point, computer gamers were spending more time organizing their crappy boycotts than playing the latest games.

You have to remember: From the moment that GoldenEye 007 was released for the Nintendo 64, it attracted a different type of gamer to a different type of shooter.  That had and has not changed.  That prohibited companies from creating console shooters that would appeal to a less profitable computer gaming community.  Computer gamers would not tolerate second-rate ports of console games to their machine.  When this audience received computer ports of Gears of War, Halo 2, and Unreal Tournament 3, they perceived that they were getting inferior versions of the games being developed for the consoles; that publishers were screwing over the long-time audience whose money helped to build the genre.  Neither publishers nor developers had any interest in amending the situation.  Rather than simply explaining that “It’s economics, stupid!”, they burned their bridges.  They used the disappointing sales of these crappy ports to play the intellectual property card.  That is, “We are no longer developing these games for the computer because of software piracy.”  Only a handful of companies would continue to orient first-person shooter development towards the personal computer.  The rest left for the consoles and didn’t look back.

These rising development costs pushed both the console and computer gaming industries into a vicious cycle: In order to make a profit, these games had to become a substantial investment.  It was this particular concern that prompted Activision CEO Bobby Kotick to spew his now-infamous rejection of games that could not be “exploited every year across every platform, with clear sequel potential that can meet our objectives of, over time, becoming 100-million-plus franchises”.* They had to be built for sequels and they had to be built for mainstream appeal.  And rather than price the games downward and cheaper (which thousands of companies and individuals did in order to snag a piece of the burgeoning smartphone gaming market), the major console and computer game publishers decided to go more expensive; to further leverage their advantage over smaller publishers.  Giant publishers had zero interest in going cheaper.  They simply wanted to make more expensive games for cheaper, if you understand what I’m saying.

No?  It’s simple: You can assume less risk on that large budget by making a game that appeals to a wider audience.  That’s how big business typically responds to “our profit margins are dwindling”.  Movie producers have almost exclusively built their summer lineups around established properties.  That is, “sequels, toy lines, comic book heroes”.  It only becomes a summer movie if there’s built-in brand recognition to go with it.  In television, a number of channels have begun dabbling in programming that belies the stated goal of their network.  That is, their name.  Cartoon Network begins airing live action shows.  Science-fiction network SyFy broadcasts professional wrestling.  The highest-rated shows on The History Channel are reality television.  Those networks assumed less risk by appealing to more people with cheaper programming.  Sure, by doing so, they gutted their identity.  But money is money, am I right?  Video game publishers assumed the same strategy used by the corporate suits behind modern television and modern movies.  With the question of which platform to build games for firmly out of the way, these companies still needed a theme or setting that could be counted on to make money; a go-to setting.  It took a couple of games to legitimize it, but they legitimized it.


During the early part of the aughts, the “corporate needs a low-risk, high-reward” pitch (the reality television or comic-book movie of video games, so to speak) became the World War II video game.  Using the ridiculous success of the Counter-Strike model as a point of leverage (“Games with ‘realistic combat’ are fun!”), Electronic Arts was the first publisher to make headway, scoring big with both the Medal of Honor and Battlefield franchises.  Much like Halo, the Battlefield franchise won audiences with its exceptional vehicle play.  Once Electronic Arts validated World War II, the rest of the imitators followed in tow.  In 2003, Activision snared the cast-offs from 2015 Inc. (the developers of Medal of Honor: Allied Assault) and that developer began work on the Call of Duty franchise.  In 2005, Ubisoft headed into the market with the Brothers in Arms series.  In 2006, THQ went the real-time strategy route, publishing real-time strategy stalwart Company of Heroes.

North American publishers unanimously agreed: This World War II thing was good stuff.  It’s not hard to understand why the games were successful.  Military combat is the easiest way to take the most popular genre and give it the widest appeal possible.  Everybody loves the military.  And if you don’t, you’re probably a fucking communist.  And of course, this isn’t “demons are emerging from the other side of the portal” or “shooting each other with guns has become the sport of the twenty-second century”.  Everybody understands real wars between real human beings.  Everybody “gets” the idea of “shoot the other dude in the head”.  Well, the greatest military conflict man has ever waged against itself is World War II.  That makes it the easiest sell in war video games.  What better to set the scene than human history’s one global conflict, truly a conflict of “land, sea, and air”?  The one time where it felt like the embodiment of evil had a pretty good shot at “taking over the entire world”?  Damn, I can hear the Battlefield 1942 intro music just thinking about it.*

But you know what the best part about this is?  It’s all public domain!  You don’t have to worry about backstory because millions of men, women, and children already spilled blood to create it.  You don’t have to worry about who the good guys are and who the bad guys are.  You don’t have to worry about having a crack team of weapon and item designers who can create interesting fictional weapons.  You don’t have to worry about paying licensing fees and royalties to create a game based on the next big media franchise.  All you have to do is give the Nazis their Lugers, give the Russians their AK47s, set up a couple of well-designed battlefields and call it the Battle of Paris.  (And yes, I am aware of how many factual inaccuracies there are in that statement.)  If a publisher somehow loses the rights to a franchise, they can simply create a new one featuring the same locations, places, guns, and historical figures.  2015 Inc. employees get sick of making Medal of Honor?  They leave the company and form Infinity Ward, create Call of Duty.  Then Infinity Ward gets reduced to shambles, the company heads form Respawn Entertainment.  I have full faith that you will enjoy their new military-themed shooter.

It’s so easy!  You don’t even have to worry about people calling your game a rip-off!  How can one military combat game rip off another?  That’s why you haven’t seen many games designed to capitalize on the success of the hugely-popular Halo and fewer of them have lived to be called anything but a rip-off, the Killzone franchise (originally touted as a “Halo Killer”) being an exception.  The entire racket is lazy as fuck and profitable as hell.  A North American corporate empire fascinated with the idea of savagely protecting their intellectual property creamed themselves when they realized the death and horrors of real human wars can be profited upon.  They ran with it.

Of course, there’s some risk in butchering a public domain concept.  One company hits it big, then another, and suddenly, sixty similar games are all released in a span of three months.  At least when people raced to copy Mario and Street Fighter, they had to create a new lineup of repulsive characters.  Some creative thought was required.   With every developer and publisher drawing from the same source material, all building the same invasion of Normady, the World War II shooter spree made the Guitar Hero-led rhythm game boom look profound and original.  Not simply because Steven Spielberg’s 1998 motion picture classic Saving Private Ryan had recently made an emphatic statement that “You will never ever capture the drama of World War II better than we did, so please don’t try.”  (Little surprise that 1999′s Medal of Honor featured creative direction from Spielberg.)  Not just because the video game industry has about as much movie-making talent as Akira Kurosawa had in half a testicle.  (Your video game movie-making “geniuses” are David Cage and Hideo Kojima.  You are being treated very poorly.)  But see, good war drama threads a tight line between the fragile nature of the human body (as the species is mowed down by the weapons it created); the idea that each of those disposable human beings has a family; the idea that those disposable human beings are chess pieces being mauled by the misaligned intentions of kings and queens and dictators and dudes who simply want to rule the world.  I would like to propose that placing teams of eight in an abandoned city, having them attempt to “capture each other’s flag”, earning points and unlockables for killing enough soldiers, and having players “respawn” after suffering from “death” undermines that drama.

In 2002, the World War II shooter blossomed.  By 2007, interest in the genre was cratering.  Fortunate for the companies that bought into the World War II craze, they had left themselves an exit out.  Unfortunate for the consumers who bought the games, “a change of strategy” involved “change the year the game is set in”.  Electronic Arts began doing this the moment that Battlefield 1942 became a smash hit, and did it with mixed success.  2004′s Battlefield Vietnam reminded everybody that it wasn’t the best idea to create a video game based on a conflict defined by guerilla warfare, carpet bombing, and utter stalemate.  (It’s the same reason people don’t create first-person shooters based on World War I.)  2005′s Battlefield 2 placed the model in the modern era, never quite matching the popularity of the World War II-themed Call of Duty 2.  2006′s Battlefield 2142 accomplished what you might expect, delivering a generic “war in the future video game” and attaching it to the name of a franchise better used elsewhere.  When those games were placed against the popularity of World War II, World War II was still winning out.  World War II brand awareness was still king.  But more importantly, those Battlefield games were built for and played their best on the personal computer.  You know, the platform that was getting the shit kicked out of it.  Electronic Arts and developer Digital Illusions CE was one of the few tandems remaining that made development for the personal computer a primary goal of the Battlefield franchise.  But remember: “Plays well on the computer” forfeits the “crazy party actions!!1″ that had become a must for console video games.  The first game to combine “modern urban warfare” with “split-screen multiplayer” would get the women.

From the moment that the 2015 Inc. cast-offs formed Infinity Ward and created Call of Duty, they were video game rockstars.  2003′s Call of Duty earned numerous Game of the Year accolades and ushered in a 2005 sequel that performed very well on both consoles and computers.  2006′s disappointing Call of Duty 3 was developed by Treyarch.  (This marked the beginning of a yearly production cycle for the franchise, marking the turning point in relations between Infinity Ward and Activision.)  The next Call of Duty game would be different.  Not much different, but different.  It’s likely Infinity Ward made the “radical” decision to move Call of Duty into the modern era.  (“Wait, what?  Radical?”  Remember who we’re dealing with here.  Activision declined Harmonix’s request to create a band-based follow-up to smash hit Guitar Hero.  Activision then scrambled to create a band-based rhythm game when Rock Band sold millions.)  I guess there’s some irony in knowing that 2007′s Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare would kill off the World War II game.  After all, the World War II-themed games were the blueprint for Modern Warfare.  But credit to Infinity Ward: They convincingly stated that a franchise doesn’t have to change much in order to deliver a lot of fun.

Much like the World War II shooters that preceded Modern Warfare, it’s conceptually no different than Counter-Strike.  Instead of Terrorists versus Counter-Terrorists, it’s “Russians With Bad Accents” versus the “Stay Frosties”.  Only two significant additions survived the series’ sixty-year trek into the present.  The first was killstreaks, which embraced one of the most important rules of video game design: Reward the player for doing well.  Three kills in a row gave you access to the radar.  Five kills in a row allowed the player to deploy an airstrike.  Seven kills in a row allowed the player to call an attack helicopter into play.  It was simple stuff, packed with the bare minimum of strategy and decision-making to keep it interesting.  The second was a “ranking” system, a role-playing-style experience system where players unlocked new weapons and special attributes (known as “perks”) for use in the multiplayer mode.  And while the idea of playing dozens of hours in order to place yourself on a level playing field with other players is rather preposterous, it didn’t break the multiplayer mode and provided newcomers with a sense of progress.  Call of Duty 4 can be nagged for being another game of simple tactics and simple execution, but it’s probably the best of the tactical shooters and the best “urban warfare” shooter to-date, a wonderful compromise between hardcore and casual gaming tastes; it was run-and-gun enough for the casual gamer and patient enough for the hardcore shooter fan.

The Halo franchise had similar appeal, but no multiplayer-oriented shooter had ever delivered a publisher the kind of sales and profits generated by Call of Duty 4.  It dominated the sales charts in 2007 and showed significant legs through 2008, prodding into eight-figure sales territory.  Even though 2008′s Call of Duty: World At War moved rather quietly into the same sales status as its predecessor, World War II was officially on its way out.  (Nobody cared for the motif; the most beloved featured in World War II turned out to be its “Zombie Mode”, where players did battle with a watered-down version of what Doom did better over fifteen years ago.)  The real anticipation was reserved for the “sequel to Modern Warfare”.  It turned out that fighting assholes in the modern day was an even better sell than World War II.  World War II had a significant flaw that doomed it to becoming “same old shit”: The Americans always win the war, Nevelle Chamberlain is always an appeaser, Stalin always gets pissed off at Hitler.  That war never changes.  The present does.  And with most people too stupid to fathom even the slightest curiosity in global politics or current events, it’s enough to call your storyline “Pakistani terrorists steal a nuclear weapon” because Fox News once caused your grandmother to shit her pants.  And you can keep making Iran or Russia the bad guys until they become ancient history.  At which point, you can start stereotyping the new assholes on the block, whether they be Chinese or North Korean or whomever.

After getting throttled by the Casual Gaming Revolution of 2006™, the third-party giants found a reprieve.  Call of Duty raced up the sales charts at a time when casual gaming juggernauts such as Guitar Hero, Wii Play, and Wii Fit were the games dominating the sales charts.  The success of Call of Duty was an abberration for Activision and an opening for everybody else.  Then something unfortunate happened, very unfortunate for anyone who wanted to take the Call of Duty 4 blueprint and place a creative spin on it: Real-world things happened.  Namely, “worst economic calamity of the last seventy years”, an event fittingly created by corporate excess.  The economic crisis of 2008 forced the hands of game publishers.  Those companies decided that they would become as conservative as possible.  They would make games that “worked”.  Call of Duty is what worked.  Therefore, Call of Duty is what they decided to make.  In the early aughts, Battlefield and Medal of Honor were merely a supplement to a still-diverse world of shooters.  The success of Call of Duty and the Great Recession assured consumers that the military tactical shooter would be the one to rule them all.  While “modern warfare” will ultimately change and evolve, the industry of video game megapublishers decided that their games would not.

Call of Duty continued its success and became the figurehead for entire genre.  The sales of a sequel typically reflect the amount of interest in the previous game.  Because if a game is ‘good enough’ to merit a sequel, then that must mean this is a franchise worth playing!”  The success of 2009′s Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 became a vote of confidence in the 2007 predecessor.  Modern Warfare 2 became the most anticipated video game in recent memory, was lauded by critics, and sold four-and-a-half million units on its opening day.  It would go on to set sales records on the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3.  Even the particularly awful version for the personal computer set a franchise record for sales on the platform.  Debate over the quality of the game featured numerous complaints.  Modern Warfare 2 featured a greater level of customization than Call of Duty 4, but thanks to the lack of a beta test, the introduction of new killstreaks, perks, and weapons in Modern Warfare 2 proved impossible to balance.  The game’s open-ended map design was also criticized.  Designed to eliminate camping, it presented players with far fewer safe zones and turned the game into a bit of a free-wheeling clusterfuck.  Regardless, Activision cackled with approval.  Modern Warfare 2 went on to sell over 20 million units, making it one of the best-selling non-pack-in titles of all-time.


When 2004′s Killzone was touted as a “Halo killer”, it disappointed the five or six console shooter fans who weren’t busy playing Halo.  While Killzone 2 had been revealed at E3 2005 (a rendered video featuring no actual play footage), the final product looked and played awfully similar to Call of Duty when it was finally released in 2009.  The only difference was about sixty-four shades of brown.  Critics touted Killzone 2 as a worthy console-exclusive shooter for the Sony PlayStation 3 library.  The game performed reasonably, selling approximately three million units.  The success of the game yielded a second sequel, which also looked and played similar to Call of Duty.  That game undersold Sony’s expectations, but the two sequels have combined to sell roughly four-to-five million units.

2010′s reboot of the Medal of Honor franchise was set in modern times, taking players into the heart of Afghanistan.  It was one of the most anticipated games of the year.  That is, until people finally played it.  In the world of video game journalism, any anticipated video game that receives lower than an eighty-five on review agglomerator MetaCritic is probably one of the worst video games of the year.  (For current examples, please see 2011′s Fable III.)  Medal of Honor currently holds a MetaCritic review average in the seventies.* In design and direction, the game was nearly identical to Call of Duty.  Despite being a derivative knockoff of a superior product, it was announced in February of 2011 that the game had sold over five million copies.


After concluding a well-publicized fallout with Infinity Ward, Activision released Treyarch-developed Call of Duty: Black Ops in November of 2010.  Developer Treyarch played it conservatively, opting to reign in the chaotic game flow unleashed in Modern Warfare 2. The laws of sequels and sales did not apply to Black Ops.  The questionable quality of the previous title resulted in the sales of seven million copies on the first day of release, becoming the fastest-selling video game in the history of the entire industry.  As of this writing, Black Ops has surpassed over one billion dollars in sales and has become the best-selling video game in the series.

In 2011, Gears of War and Unreal Tournament creator Epic Games published the People Can Fly-developed Bulletstorm, a first-person shooter advertised as a rebuttal to modern urban warfare, mocking both the characters and clichés of the motif.  The company was so serious about selling parody to the people that Bulletstorm was promoted with the game demo “Duty Calls”, an outward assault on Call of Duty and its ilk.  After selling roughly 300,000 copies in its first week, industry analysts declared the sales of Bulletstorm “disappointing”* and Epic Games has not published any sales figures for the product.  Video game sales site VGChartz estimates the sales of the title at less than a million units.* Bulletstorm was criticized for the length of its single-player campaign and its linear level design, complaints often associated with the Call of Duty franchise.

Later this year in 2011, Activision will publish Modern Warfare 3.  It will sell a predictable number of copies and probably set some sales records.  It will be the biggest video game of the year.  The second biggest video game of the year will be Battlefield 3.  At an April 2011 New York advertising conference, Electronic Arts CEO John Riccitiello stated that a one-hundred-million-dollar advertising campaign will usher in the release of Battlefield 3, and Riccitiello stated that the game would be “designed to take down” Call of Duty.* Much like the commercials for Final Fantasy VII advertised full-motion video cutscenes as “in-game footage”, Battlefield 3 advertisments are using the far-superior graphics in the personal computer version (labeled only as “in-game footage”) to sell the game to console audiences.  Electronic Arts has decided the means for competing with Call of Duty is to smother the internet and television with ad placement, spending tens of millions on advertising and misleading customers.  Those tens of million dollars will not be spent on video game development.

Conclusion

So that’s how it all came to pass: The first-person shooter flourished on the personal computer and computer game developers took the genre in a number of directions.  One of these directions ushered in the tactical shooter.  After several attempts to create shooters for consoles, developers discovered that the tactical shooter was the most lucrative of the few subgenres that could play reasonably on a controller.  Xbox Live made this market even more lucrative and gave developers control of their “intellectual property” in a way the personal computer never could.  And then in order to combat rising development costs, those developers settled on the most generic motif possible in the genre, backing it with gigantic advertising campaigns whose funding could have been spent on original first-person shooters.

“So let me get this straight: You just spent thousands of words to announce the conclusion that we knew all along?  That companies are going to continue selling Call of Duty until it no longer sells?  You bitch!  You cheated me!”  To answer that, I have three words for the genre: Evolve or die.  There is a difference between “selling what sells” and “selling out the future”.  Are we forgetting the history of this industry?  Pong clones dominated the seventies.  They gave way to maze games, which dominated the early eighties.  They ceded way to platformers, which dominated the mid-eighties into the late-nineties.  They shared an overlap with Japanese Role-Playing Games, which were hugely popular in the late nineties.  Tactical shooters are the latest video game fad.  The genres that survived their fad phase evolved.  Something will take their place, if cheap, disposable mobile phone video games have not already begun to do so. Evolution does not mean “Take the development model of John Madden football and transform your franchise into Call of Duty: Roster Update.”  Evolution does not mean “Turn Tomb Raider into a tactical shooter and call it Uncharted.”  Evolution does not mean “Turn computer-role-playing into a tactical shooter and call it Mass Effect.” That’s not how this industry works.  I promise you: This industry will leave tactical shooters in the boneyard if somebody doesn’t stand up and do something interesting with it, the kinds of interesting things that people were doing with the first-person shooter genre nearly two decades ago.

Class dismissed.  If you have any lengthy, in-depth questions, feel free to ask them.  Don’t worry.  Call of Duty isn’t going to change while you’re doing that.

Continue to Continue to Epilogue: Controller of the Future

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By Michael Lowell

May 12, 2011

The History of Why I’m Tired of Your Tactical Shooters

Introduction and Part One: Advent and Imitation
Part Two: Serious Realism
Part Three: Xboxification
Part Four: Corporate Warfare and Conclusion

Epilogue: Controller of the Future

Part Three: Xboxification

Back into the world of video game consoles, we go! That market was good times, too. Back in the early nineties, a Nintendo hardware project partnership with Japanese television-and-electronics giant Sony fell through after Nintendo opted (i.e. breached the hell out of their contract) to work in tandem with Dutch electronics company Phillips. Sufficiently outraged, Sony decided that they would release their “Play Station” on their own terms. Well, it worked out well. Sony utilized the blueprint built by Sega for competing with Nintendo (fight Mario’s family-friendly appeal with games for teens and young adults) and dominated console video games during the late nineties. But even as the Nintendo 64 developed a derisive reputation as the “kiddy console” (one that would also haunt the Nintendo GameCube), Nintendo still did the first-person shooter better than Sony cared to. All Sony had to show for their troubles was the 1999 sleeper hit Medal of Honor, a shooter that won fans with its (get this!) original use of a World War II setting. Console gamers weren’t demanding the ultimate first-person shooter. They were looking for some fun with their friends. So, what wins out? “Two-player first-person shooter?” Or “four-player first person shooter”? Not a hard choice. Nintendo won, Sony lost.

The real surprise was Sony’s decision to once again opt for two controller ports in their design of the PlayStation 2. Why would they do that? Well, here’s the easy explanation: Nintendo was doing business with the West (and particularly Americans) for some time. The Japanese don’t give a shit for shooters, but I’m sure somebody got word to Hiroshi Yamauchi that “Americans like shooting people! We swear!” The development of GoldenEye 007 and Perfect Dark for the Western markets reflected that. Sony hadn’t built that body of experience. Who was going to convince a Japanese upstart that the first-person shooter would become the next big genre on the consoles? Sony dominated the Nintendo 64 era with single-player platforming and role-playing games. In the place of shooters, the PlayStation 2 transformed sports video games into the new cash cow. The lack of shooters became one of the few blemishes for Sony’s wunderkind, a console that would go on to sell 740 billion units in thirty-seven different galaxies.

It left a gigantic hole for first-person shooter development. It would have seemed like a logical choice for Rare to continue working with Nintendo on what had become a sure thing. Ultimately, Rare spent the early years of the Nintendo GameCube shelf life producing a successor to Diddy Kong Racing until Nintendo lost their financial stake in the British developer around 2002. Anybody who wanted to steal some thunder had a pretty good chance. As it turns out, we’ve learned one constant about the free market: It would not be a party without Microsoft deciding that they could steal somebody else’s idea. In 2000, the American computer software monopoly made a stunning announcement that they would be making their way into the video game hardware business. But why? Why would a company whose operating system fostered the greatest financial success in the history of computer video games want to enter the console video game business? It’s an important question to ask. It will give us a lot of answers in due time.

If you grew up on any Windows operating system of the early nineties, you learned a very quick and painful lesson: It was terrible at games. There’s a very important reason that Solitaire and Minesweeper became the two games associated with Windows. Microsoft’s primary competition in the market for operating systems came from numerous variants of Disk Operating System, a command-line user interface that dominated most of the eighties. It was a Bush vs. Kerry situation for the computer video game market. Quite frankly, neither was very good for games. DOS was plagued with its own problems, but at least the software programmers had a level of access to the user’s computer hardware. During the run-up to the Christmas of 1994, Microsoft packaged a Windows-compatible version of side-scroller The Lion King with approximately one-million Compaq computers. The game had to be specifically programmed for the drivers in those pre-fabbed computers. At the last moment, Compaq changed the hardware specifications, which included drivers that had not been tested with the game. And come Christmas, young kids around the country became buddies with the Blue Screen of Death. Such was the life of computer gamers in the early nineties. And Microsoft understood that in order to kill off DOS, they had to demonstrate that Windows could do video games much better than that.

The company took two steps. The first? They created DirectX, an application programming interface that was far more stable than any predecessors. It was good enough that the industry is still using it and Microsoft continues to support it. Then, Microsoft took a trip to iD Software and asked if they could create a Windows port of Doom to coincide with their release of Windows 95. ID Software obliged. With two simple steps, Microsoft took the command-line interface out onto the back porch and put a bullet through its head. Thanks to the stability that both Windows 95 and DirectX provided for computer video games (saving consumers from a number of splitting headaches), the computer gaming market flourished during the mid-to-late nineties. And as hit after hit after hit was produced for the personal computer, it began to dawn on Microsoft that they had made an oversight. Or rather, created a problem that most companies would love to have. Windows has always been a closed, proprietary system. That’s never changed. It’s why you’re at the mercy of Windows security updates and Linux users close off security loopholes as they’re discovered. But obviously, anybody with the talent and resources can create software for Windows. Windows program creation is open-source. Microsoft never had a chance to tell developers “Here’s our licensing agreement, sign it or die!” So once Microsoft used the computer gaming market to transform Windows into the dominant operating system, Microsoft could no longer make money through these games indirectly. Windows became the standard whether people were using it to play games or not. Microsoft couldn’t leverage their hammer to demand royalties, licensing fees, or distribution fees. Technology and the internet were still years removed from realizing the concept of a “digital distribution” platform.  At the time, the only way to make money off of the games was either to produce them or create a closed system and dictate the terms on which other people make the games. That was the purpose of the Microsoft Xbox. When the company could no longer profit from the apex of an open-source computer video game market, they built a closed system and called it the Xbox.

It looked like a mixed bag for Microsoft. The company’s war chest seemed like a logical addition to the console video game industry. The cost of launching and supporting the hardware was well on its way to obscene heights. As for everything else, history was not on Microsoft’s side. After the Crash of 1983, American game development retreated to personal computers. From 1985 to 2000, the Japanese owned and dominated the console video game hardware business and also produced the best-sellers. What could Microsoft accomplish that Sony or Nintendo could not? Perhaps looking to embrace their reputation as the creators of Microsoft Windows (the operating system where computer games and their elitist fans go to war), Microsoft began by building the most powerful of the sixth-generation video game consoles. Little surprise that Microsoft created the first major video game console built like a personal computer. The Xbox featured the capability for broadband internet, and unlike its competitors, would be shipped with an internal hard drive. Consumers were also constantly reminded by Microsoft public relations reps about the console’s nVidia-produced graphics processor. This round, Microsoft would be going into a console war as the “premium console producer”, a moniker that ultimately doomed the ColecoVision, Atari Lynx, Sega Game Gear, Atari Jaguar, 3D0, the Sega CD, and wouldn’t work out too well for the Sony PlayStation 3. To this point in the history of the industry, only the Super Nintendo’s hair-splitting superiority to the Sega Genesis (mostly in the realm of “sound capabilities”) had been able to win out as the “premium” brand.

This is a pretty good time to begin preaching the gospel of Halo: Combat Evolved. Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ve heard of it. And from the moment it was announced, a lot of people did. The game began its development cycle at developer Bungie (the Marathon guys) as a science-fiction follow-up to their Myth strategy games, a franchise most casually described as “role-playing strategy before Warcraft III: Reign of Chaos made it fashionable”. During its early development, Halo transformed into something similar to Starsiege: Tribes, with Halo touting well-developed vehicle play as a trump card. Everything was moving along very smoothly. The game received favorable impressions from the press and generated further interest when it was announced that it would receive a concurrent release on the Windows and Macintosh operating platforms. The Macintosh gaming community was thrilled.  However, so was Microsoft. Because see, Xbox launch games such as Fuzion Frenzy and Cel Damage were not going to put asses in the seats and sell a new video game console. Not one to pass on buying somebody else’s work and passing it off as their own, Microsoft purchased Bungie in 2000 and placed their hand on Halo’s development.* Microsoft put their foot forward and announced that Halo was going to be serious business. The company penned Halo: Combat Evolved as the cornerstone exclusive for the Xbox’s November of 2001 launch lineup. That is, “The game will not be coming out for the personal computer.  If you want to play Halo, buy our new video game box!”

Microsoft’s groomed beauty pageant contestant had a potential silver lining: Sony and Nintendo were undergoing a mascot edition of “Identity Crisis”. During Sony’s battles with the Nintendo 64, the company used Crash Bandicoot as an edgy and Sonic-esque rebuttal to Mario’s platforming escapades, highlighted by an infamous commercial where the Bandicoot drove to Nintendo of America Headquarters and put them on notice. By the time the PlayStation 2 rolled around, Sony left the bandicoot to rot, possibly realizing that the PlayStation brand appeal superceded the need for a mascot. What about Nintendo? They always had Mario to pick up the slack. Well, Nintendo simply wasn’t in a situation to impose a market or mascot on anybody. That company had serious issues. (“BUT NINTENDOS WAS MAKIGN A PROFIT ON THAR GAMECUBE!” Yeah, at the cost of declining relevance with consumers. And surely enough, Mario’s GameCube outing was crushed under the weight of fourteen-year-old homophobes who didn’t want to play a game called “Super Mario Sunshine”.) At the beginning of the console video game boom leading into the sixth generation of video games, no one franchise or character could stake a decisive claim to being the face of the medium. The wild success of Halo: Combat Evolved would work on two fronts: The game became the face of the first-person shooter movement on video game consoles and also became the undisputed face of the Xbox video game console. The Xbox would ultimately go on to fight with the Nintendo GameCube for table scraps as the PlayStation 2 registered the most dominant worldwide market share of any video game console in the modern history of the industry. Halo is the only reason the Xbox lived to herald a relevant successor. It was only fitting that six years after the release of Halo: Combat Evolved, the third game in the Halo franchise pushed the Xbox brand into profitability.

Well, what did Halo: Combat Evolved get right? Was the game legendary? Objectively, not really. But contrary to many strong opinions (namely those of the “fuck console shooters” variety), it was actually a pretty good game. Just like GoldenEye and Perfect Dark, Halo played away from the weaknesses of both the platform and the input scheme. The game also featured an obscene number of customizable game elements. And since the actual gunplay in Halo was far superior to either of the Nintendo 64 classics, those customizable elements boasted some actual legs. The most compelling element was the spectacular vehicle play, buoyed by one of the best physics systems seen in a shooter to that point. As the history of vehicle-based video games had shown us, there was no reason a controller couldn’t do vehicles better than a mouse and keyboard. In-fact, console games usually did driving better. The emphasis on vehicles allowed Halo to play well on maps of drastically divergent size, something that very few shooters on any platform could boast. Both this vehicle play and the physics system were good enough that pushing both to their limits became a game in itself, as players took up arms to see who could launch vehicles farthest through the skies with grenades and rocket launchers. And in contrast to many previous first-person shooters (with exceptions in Deus Ex and Half-Life), the backstory was rather compelling, particularly for a game that seemed keen on appealing to the widest fan base that it possibly could. It’s quite difficult to argue that the game wasn’t worth some attention.

So what did long-time shooter fans loathe about Halo? For starters, Halo drew from the Counter-Strike blueprint with reckless force. Right there, that’s a pretty damn big problem. Quake and Doom and Unreal Tournament players didn’t think fondly of Counter-Strike the second that game made its splash. However, the Counter-Strike professional scene has rather validated its place in the competitive gaming totem pole. And even then, Counter-Strike still played very fast and had a very high learning curve. Counter-Strike was simply another way to play the first-person shooter with a mouse and keyboard. Halo was designed with the limitations of the controller in mind.

Much like Counter-Strike, Halo limited the player to a pair of firearms and some grenades. It was a means of preventing skilled players from acquiring an arsenal of weapons to deal with every situation. Halo was overrun with niche weapons: The Shotgun was only useful in close situations, the Assault Rifle was designed for medium-ranged combat, the Covenant’s energy weapons were effective for cutting through enemy shields. Controllers don’t have enough buttons (or a scroll wheel) to cycle through eight weapons with any efficiency. Therefore, “two guns per player”. This ultimately reduced the diversity of gunplay, as players responded to the niche weapons by ignoring them entirely and gunning for the more versatile weapons, namely your accurate hitscan weapons like Pistols and Sniper Rifles. And because of that, Halo: Combat Evolved may be the only game in the history of its genre where a pistol is viewed to be unanimously superior to a shotgun. Halo’s rebuttal to the weapon-juggling deathmatch days was less-than-outstanding. And just to further ensure that no man or woman would try to play “superstar basketball” (carrying the team on one pair of shoulders), the game played half as fast as Counter-Strike. There would be no “dodge the bullets, stupid”. For all the hubbaloo about the badass side of Master Chief, he’s the ultimate paper tiger in video games. He’s slow, he’s vulnerable. That’s a very bad combination in a game with lots of guns. So, what’s your option? Rely on your teammates, hit with superior numbers, punish any player who stepped into a line of fire. This was very new ground. Microsoft and Bungie were selling a new type of shooter to a new type of audience and it succeeded.

Now, no matter who you were and what your gaming background was, it was easy to see that Halo: Combat Evolved had some serious faults.  The staff at Bungie struggled to meet that important deadline where they were producing the ultimate launch title for the Xbox. The single-player campaign took the brunt of the damage. One level towards the end of the game was simply a previous level played in reverse. Another level featured four identical floors swarming with The Flood, a race of alien antagonists that overwhelm their opposition with superior numbers. Compared with Half-Life (the game that validated the use of narrative to drive mission structure), Halo’s single-player level design was repetitive and dreadful. The second issue? The lack of multiplayer bots, a feature present in every recent first-person shooter regardless of the platform. Quake III had them, Unreal Tournament had them, Perfect Dark had them. And unless you were one of the psychotic mongrels who used GameSpy’s tunneling service to play the game through the internet, you had no such thing as “online play”. Even in 2001, it took an awful lotta balls for a company to say “You want to play multiplayer in our shooter? Go get some real friends, loser.” The third? The weapon balance. Even amongst the handful of weapons that were actually used in competitive play, it was dreadful. The Pistol became the de-facto weapon and only acquiesced its dominance when a Sniper Rifle or Rocket Launcher was put into play. Halo was relying on a diversity of weapons to create a diversity of tactics, where players gameplan based on their armaments.  It failed spectacularly.

But hey, not a bad first try, right? Those are things that can all be fixed in the sequel. The industry seems to be pretty keen on the idea that a player base will give a franchise one game to tie up the predecessor’s loose ends, whether that means the introduction of online play, added attention to detail, or a tightening of the game balance. One can look back at recent video game history and they’ll find Guitar Hero, God of War, Assassin’s Creed, Rock Band, and StarCraft all used a sequel to shine some rough edges without thinking too hard about “innovation” or “leaps forward”. A sequel to Halo: Combat Evolved was inevitable. The problem? Microsoft had some much bigger issues to deal with. In 2001, a rather-unknown British developer by the name of DMA Design (creators of the Lemmings puzzle game series) released their third game in the Grand Theft Auto series, transforming a controversially-violent-but-niche franchise into an unprecedented gold-standard for sandbox video games. Grand Theft Auto III (along with its sequels) became the killer app for the PlayStation 2, blowing up the industry overnight as companies that were developing games for a wide number of genres began copycatting its non-linear mission structure and exploration elements. By 2003, there wasn’t much to keep the Xbox (or the Gamecube) relevant; not with console developers pushing all of their resources towards the Sony box and its larger install base.

And contrary to popular opinion, Halo: Combat Evolved did not mark the death of first-person shooter development on the personal computer. Even as that game validated video game consoles as a legitimate platform for first-person shooters, the genre was doing quite well on personal computers. The market was still very diverse. The new big ticket was the World War II brand of urban warfare pioneered by Medal of Honor, highlighted by a 2002 sequel Medal of Honor: Allied Assault and Digital Illusions CE’s Battlefield 1942.  (Yes, I’m aware that Wolfenstein 3-D did World War II long before any of these games.  Don’t hurt me!)   Doom’s influence was ceding way to Counter-Strike’s team-oriented play, Half-Life’s “TEH REALIZMS” production values, and Halo’s vehicle combat. However, none of this precluded the “Doom clones” from being successful in a brave new world. 2001′s Serious Sam became a sleeper hit and a cult classic by ignoring the march to realism, a tale of alien invasions and ridiculous weapons powered by the meager budget of Eastern European developer Croteam. 2004′s aptly-named Unreal Tournament 2004 embraced the new generation of teamwork shooters, featuring a spectacular node-based Onslaught mode to go with what may be the best gunplay in the series. And even while 2004′s Doom 3 proved a colossal disappointment (marking the moment iD Software became a company that sells video game engines and uses their games as tech demos), Doom 3 became the best-selling product in the history of the company. Even as computer gamers cast their ire on a new generation of shooter fans (mocking either the skill level of console gamers or the “dumbed-down” game mechanics in console shooters), computer gamers still had a very healthy market and a solid lineup of games to choose from. If Microsoft wanted their Xbox brand to remain relevant, they were going to have to do a hell of a lot more than create million-selling video games.

Microsoft got one thing right: When Halo 2 was released in November of 2004, no video game in the history of the American market was accompanied by such a level of hype. Halo 2: The T-Shirt. Halo 2: The Coloring Book. Halo 2: The Flame Thrower. It was deafening. It was a video game event featuring the type of fan anticipation reserved for gigantic summer movie releases. It was almost impossible to tell that Half-Life 2 (the shooter that would win dozens of Game of the Year awards, find vacancy in nearly every Top Games of the Decade list, and legitimize Steam as the dominant digital distribution platform) was released a week later and World of Warcraft (the only video game in the history of the industry to place a video game developer on “blank check” status and the counter-argument to “Half-Life 2 is the Game of the Decade”) followed the next week. Halo 2 would sell two million copies on its first day, doing this in the years before the Call of Duty franchise made midnight launches cool and edgy.

Ultimately, Halo fans found a game with all the same strengths and flaws as its predecessor, compounded by some particularly boneheaded design decisions that have not aged well since its release. Bungie was once again attempting to meet a release deadline. And once again, the single-player campaign suffered significantly because of it, infuriating audiences and reviewers with an abrupt cliffhanger ending. Little was done to address weapon balance issues. Bungie complicated the issue by introducing a number of new Covenant weapons to the roster, most of which were inferior to their UNSC equivalents. And just like in Combat Evolved, there were no multiplayer bots available in Halo 2. Only this time, you couldn’t write it off as “Bungie simply didn’t get around to doing it.” This time, it was rather deliberate.

Back in 1985, Nintendo used the Robotic Operating Buddy to convince potential American customers (whose confidence in the market had taken a beating in the wake of 1983) that their new console was an “Entertainment System” and not a “video game player”. Duck Hunt and its “Light Zapper” controller were used largely for the same purpose. The gun and R.O.B. were purely a marketing tool. In 2004, Microsoft decided they had to pull the trigger on Xbox Live. The console needed a killer app. Halo 2 was the Zapper. Halo 2 was a marketing tool designed to legitimize Xbox Live. And much like GoldenEye 007 rode the novelty of four-player split-screen multiplayer to its place in video game history, Halo 2 would use online multiplayer to win an audience that had never enjoyed the thrills that come with corpsehumping a player-avatar being controlled by a fourteen-year-old boy. It wasn’t Halo: Combat Evolved that marked the current transition of first-person shooter development to video game consoles. It wasn’t Halo 2. It was Xbox Live. Remember that talk we had about closed systems earlier? Heheh. Now you know why we had it.

In that period during the late nineties, first-person shooter developers decided the best option for developing brand loyalty was to assure customers that they were buying a game engine in addition to a really good video game. They did this because it was the most profitable course of action. After almost a decade of this, the passionate and knowledgeable computer gaming consumer base became, well, pretty fucking spoiled. They had to feel like they were getting spoiled. Why else would they drop significant cash on a new computer every two or three years? It was the only way to continue playing the games. Those consumers began to expect incredible games with flexible modmaking abilities. Rather than reacting positively to great games, they began reacting adversely to less-than-great games.  Great games became the par. You get what I’m saying? The financial incentive to create a game with indefinite shelf life (a multiplayer component that could be sustained as long as players were willing to both continue hosting servers and update the network code to take advantage of new technology) began to diminish. This decline was exacerbated by the proliferation of broadband internet, which promoted a new age of software piracy. While I stand by the assertion that software piracy is overblown (most of it being done in places where people don’t have the means to buy the games), it gave long-paying consumers a pathetic-but-obvious outlet for lashing out against developers who slighted their fans. Even when Halo: Combat Evolved showed computer game developers that shooters could be successful on a closed video game system, they relented. The first-person shooter only consumed the computer gaming market when online multiplayer hit it big. When Xbox Live succeeded, the mutiny began.

If you couldn’t fix this screen, then there was no reason to purchase a copy of Halo 2.

What a wonderful mutiny it was. For years, computer game developers had spent years treating their games like political campaign cycles (where every word and action of developers and their employees were just as important as making a decent game).  They could now use the new audience of shooter fans built by Halo to rewrite the rules on how shooters are built, developed, marketed, and sold to the public. I mean, you really have to consider what happened here. Look at what Xbox Live did. It convinced millions upon millions of people to pay a monthly fee for a peer-to-peer networking model. That is, “a central server uses minimal bandwidth and upkeep to organize the creation of online matches”. That is, little actual hosting is done by the server. That is, what Blizzard has been offering customers for free through Battle.net since they released Diablo in 1996. They convinced people to pay for the privilege of using their internet connection to do the heavy lifting in online video games! Using a networking format that generated inferior latency in first-person shooters!

I mean, holy crap! If you could do that, imagine what else you could bilk this audience out of! Developers would have been crazy to pass on this gold rush!  To consider the inverse, look at what happened when Apple built their mobile phone game store. When the company allowed anybody to make a video game for the iPhone, the price point for portable video games collapsed and Nintendo is still scrambling to deal with it. The opposite happens when an open system becomes closed. The closed system called Xbox Live created a market for maps, for clothes, for guns, whatever you could price! When Epic Games released the computer-exclusive Unreal Tournament 2004, it was packaged with nearly one-hundred maps for use across half-a-dozen game types. Thousands upon thousands of free, community-created maps followed. Two years later, Epic Games released Gears of War, a third-person shooter touted as (and would become) a cornerstone of the Xbox 360 game library. It was packaged with ten maps. Two downloadable map packs would up that number to sixteen. One of the map packs was released for free. The other one featured four maps. It could be downloaded for a price of 800 Microsoft Points™, a price point of approximately ten dollars. And they were able to set these prices by appealing to an audience that had never created a multiplayer map for Doom or downloaded free mods such as Counter-Strike.

The moment that developers could sell virtual goods on Xbox Live for obscene prices (and also use that closed system to “prevent software piracy”) became the moment that computer gamers began getting the hand-me-down treatment. Following that moment, there only seemed to be two companies that were interested in bucking the trend.  One was Digital Illusions CE, who continues to focus their development of the Battlefield franchise towards the personal computer.  The second?  After 2015 Inc. finished development of Medal of Honor: Allied Assault back in 2002, the staff became frustrated with continued tensions and constant demands from their corporate overlords at Electronic Arts. Nearly the entire development staff left the company to form a new studio and find a new publisher. Summing up the sad state of the video game industry, the newly-formed Infinity Ward gave up the shackles of Electronic Arts’ corporate culture and cast a vote for Activision, a corporate culture founded by game developers looking to escape Atari’s corporate culture. Infinity Ward became a smash hit machine, earning Game of the Year accolades with 2003′s Call of Duty and then following it with a 2005 sequel that performed incredibly well on both consoles and computers. As Activision commissioned developer Treyarch to create 2006′s Call of Duty 3 (only a disappoiment if you understand the dangers of giving another developer control over an established series), Infinity Ward was working on a Call of Duty game that would move the series into the modern era. In the eight years since Medal of Honor took players into World War II, the setting had become cliche. It was time to move a couple of years forward. And little did anybody know that Infinity Ward’s upcoming title would come to standardize how soldiers went to battle.

Not in a good way.

Continue to Part Four: Corporate Warfare and Conclusion

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By Michael Lowell

May 3, 2011

Back in 2002, game developer Blizzard Entertainment gave the world another real-time strategy gem by the name of Warcraft III: Reign of Chaos.  Believe it or not, there was Warcraft before World of Warcraft.  And yes, it was a pretty damn big deal.  At the time, Warcraft III was perhaps the most anticipated computer game in the history of the industry.  Turned out it was a pretty fucking good video game.  It won the hearts of critics, scored some Game of the Year swag, everything was peachy.  Unfortunately, there was a problem.  After a handful of months with the game, people discovered that Warcraft III had a significant and serious flaw: Most human beings are terrible at video games and life in general.  StarCraft players were enraged that their Six-Factory timing push didn’t work in Warcraft III and went back to playing StarCraft.  That left real-time strategy newcomers to pick up the slack.  Well, strategy games require the player to think.  Thinking hurts the brain.  Therefore, Warcraft III sucks.  To make the most of their disappointing purchase, those players dabbled in the game’s robust custom game community and discovered Defense of the Ancients, a redux of StarCraft’s custom classic Aeon of Strife.   It’s best surmised as “Warcraft III without the macromanagement, micromanagement, or a general need for motor skills.”  Little surprise that this custom map became hugely popular.  It became so popular that players required a remedy to deal with the pricks who grief-play, backstab, or have to deal with a family emergency.  The Defense of the Ancients banlist (also known as the “shitlist”) was born.

It’s quite ingenius, actually.  Through a combination of bots, scripting, and the requirement for all participants to possess a twenty-five-win icon on the Warcraft III ladder, Clan TDA was able to create and police a system of safeguards for their Defense of the Ancients matches.  The Clan TDA-sanctioned matches became preferred to the public matches and developed a minor reputation for its level of play.  Quite an achievement, huh?  That achievement poses an obvious problem: What happens when you give a whiff of power to a demographic closely associated with the losing side of “The star quarterback just shoved some kid into a locker”?  Oh, they’re getting some fucking revenge.  On the football team?  Hell no.  Not unless they just banned their tormentor from a Clan TDA-sanctioned Defense of the Ancients match.  “Oh, stop with the hyperbole!  They don’t ban everyone and anyone!”  Oh, you think that?  You really think that?  In the last six years, over forty-thousand accounts have been banned.  Forty-thousand.  That’s as many as four ten-thousands.  And that’s hilarious.

But hey, nobody’s got anything to worry about.  It won’t be a public relations nightmare for the people who play Defense of the Ancients, right?  Nobody will find out why these deplorable human beings are banning people.  It’s not like this “shitlist” works in conjunction with a text file that lists the reasons players have been banned on a line-by-line basis.  And it’s not like this file is hosted and publicly available on the internet…


Well, see, I don’t care for authority.  Especially not when that authority is built by a custom map for people who weren’t good enough to play Warcraft III and then that custom map fosters a community with a disgusting sense of elitism.  So, it looks like I have to embarrass the internet bourgeoisie.  I’m plenty fine with that.  Of course, you need a way to follow along.  You need to understand what’s going on here.  I hope this will help you figure things out.

Got it?  Good.  Let’s start tearing people a new asshole.

No military campaign on the internet is complete without excuses for a defeat, demise, ban, or mental condition.  Clan TDA and its supporters treat their games like military service: Once you join, you’re in it until dismissal or death  No excuses will be tolerated.  Somebody breaking into your house and putting you and your family at risk?  That’s a ban, asshole.  That’s not your teammates’ problem.  Maybe you should have campaigned for stricter gun laws before the game started.

Could you imagine if Tom Brady was quarterbacking his way down the field during a game-winning Super Bowl drive?  And then he threw an interception?  And then his coaches found out Tom was watching The Godfather on his phone?  He would be ruining it for everyone!!!

hereinyourarms (28551) 3-15 BS admits to watching a movie during play, ruining game (Frozt) on 2007-06-13 06:08:06 by sindicate.

Sounds to me like “gadzoooooooooks” was filming a nostalgic throwback to the video game commercials of the nineties.  “HEY KIDS, TIRED OF BORING VIDEO GAMES LIKE SOLITAIRE AND SUPER METROID?  SICK OF TRIED-AND-TRUE ENTERTAINMENT ASSOCIATED WITH BUZZ-WORDS SUCH AS “GAMEPLAY”, “DEPTH”, AND “FUN”?  WELL, GET READY TO GET DOTA’ED!!!”

gadzoooooooooks (121339) 2-6 Leaves @ 24:30 after death “OH NO MY COMPUTER EXPLODED” (GC=153) on 2009-11-05 02:21:49 by phlox

This is the problem with shows such as “16 and Pregnant” and “Muppet Babies”.  They teach people that it is okay for anyone to have children, even when the laws of nature are in agreement that they should not be.

starcraftnoobs left game with pudge during a 5v5 saying ” g2g my brothers having a baby” and was feeder 1-22 with pudge on 2006-01-29 00:00:00 by LittleFaith

Not until he sees their birth certificates.

DevlynZnn (18760) 0-0 NA says “i’m not playing with all these foreigners” and leaves @ 00:25 on 2006-12-05 19:40:56 by buddha-nfriends

That’s what his mother gets for taking out a mortgage that she can’t afford.  Damn poor people.  The history of the human species has been a struggle where the poor mercilessly oppress the rich.  Why are the wealthy always the first to suffer?

Sancor (21689) 0-1 Abaddon says “they trying to steal my house” and leaves @13:12 (Fear) on 2007-01-28 08:24:57 by Jewified.

Insane Defense of the Ancients Stunt Bonus – Distance: 127 feet; Height: 35 feet; Flips: 1; Rotation: 274 degrees.

digitaljesus (35367) 1-6 weaver says “oh fuck a car just crashed into my third story apartment window jesus fucking christ” and leaves @ 42:12 on 2007-09-14 00:18:30 by enemy

After word of this incident made its way through the household, pimps_r_us was banned from pimping for the rest of the school year.

pimps_r_us (28582) 4-4 weaver leaves @ 39:43 after saying “my moms bitching me out will i be banne if i leave” on 2007-06-09 13:18:53 by unholydonuts

Why wouldn’t Clan TDA ban “p.e.o.n.” from Defense of the Ancients games?  It appears that he has fallen under the sway of a heathen religion!

p.e.0.n (25154) 0-5 BB says “plz dont ban im going to church” and leaves @ 29:41 on 2007-04-08 13:41:57 by buddha-nfriends

hellorc123 and his dad haven’t figured out how to add each other to their friends lists so they never find the same games.

hellorc123 (2780) 0-4 tiny said “g2g going to have breakfast with daddy barely get to see him” and left game@ 33:48 on 2006-03-25 00:00:00 by Hellknight-HKS

lolok i understnad

evenstar (36394) 0-0 POTM says “sty guys i ahve to leave sleep iam 10 years old 2morro school” and leaves @10:48 on 2007-09-26 21:36:33 by philip.j.fry

I highly doubt that anybody would cheat in an online video game.  Super.paki, if that is your real name, I believe that you should be ashamed of yourself for ruining a Defense of the Ancients match.

super.paki (27620) SB leaves @46:28 because he thinks opponents maphack on 2007-06-15 06:56:02 by jewified.

Thirty minutes later, and I swear that you cannot make this stuff up…

haodz (28113) Maphacking on 2007-06-15 07:24:33 by jewified

Pictured: Celtics forward Paul Pierce gets banned from Defense of the Ancients.

Great athletes get hurt in every sport.  Defense of the Ancients is no exception.  The difference?  Inferior sports let players substitute themselves out of the game.  When rugby and mixed martial arts and World War II all had a baby, they called it Defense of the Ancients.  You know what you got into when you signed up, kid.

Yeah, spontaneous combustion is not the leading cause of death in the elderly, but it’s definitely one of the most hilarious.

Srs (25031) 0-2 NA leaves @ 38:37 after saying “I HAVE TO GO MY GRANDMA IS ON FIRE” (Sang) on 2007-04-08 20:02:01 by buddha-nfriends

In your eye, son!  In your eye!  Pow!

potosys (40672) 0-2 Pudge says “OMFG MY EYE IS BLEEDING” and leaves @12:40 on 2007-11-12 16:35:21 by philip.j.fry

Guess you could say he got hit by the pain train, TrainofPain.!  Har har!  You have to admire the nature of these bans.  Imagine if your boss denied you a sick day because of a family emergency.  There would only be one question: “Where would you clock him in the face?”

TrainofPain. (22191) 0-1 PL says “cousin just broke his arm i have to take him to the ER” after death and leaves @14:35 on 2007-02-06 19:09:58 by BandofBrothers

Too many?  We’re talking about “online video games” here.  I played Halo on Xbox Live for about a month.  I remember when some kid was discussing his day at school with his mom.  He left the microphone on.  His science class was boring.  His homework was finished.  I shit liquids for the next three weeks.

eggplan7 (108279) Leaves @26:12 claiming “i took too many pain killers” (Gc = 129) on 2009-06-01 14:19:17 by pocket_squirrel

Shameful.  Americans’s me-first society is so selfish.  It is sickening that one person would give up on the lives of several gamers just to save one of his own.  America was never greedy before Barack Obama brainwashed everybody with Socialism™.

gvsudota says mom is in the hospital and afk’s rest of game on 2006-08-30 22:41:42 by Providence-

I am not sure if I believe you.  I would like to see video of this happening.  You know, for research purposes.  If you know what I mean! ;D ;D ;D

yogurt- (34728) 11-11 NA says “I HAVE TO GO MY MOTHER JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR AGAIN DAMNIT” and leaves @54:58 on 2007-09-06 03:02:46 by unholydonuts

I would like to recommend the Acorn Stairlift™.  Your grandma currently feels like she is living in half of her house.  But with the Acorn Stairlift™, she won’t have to suffer any more embarrassment while using the stairs!

Fork_My_Orc (25077) 4-8 PL says “G2G GRANDMA FELL DOWN THE STAIRS!!” and leaves @ 65:59 on 2007-04-07 01:21:43 by buddha-nfriends

I have to admire the honesty.  I also have to laugh at the name of the person who reported this particular ban.

ag.loislane (6309) 2-12 wd leaves @36:38 after saying ” i gtg wash my vagina i think i just got raped ” on 2006-06-04 00:00:00 by DivineRape

When your sport becomes popular enough, it attracts the best.  The best become moderators.  The moderators ban people.  Seels is the best at what he does.  He is a world-class athlete.  He is what happened when Defense of the Ancients needed a legitimate badass.  He snaps joints and pummels inferior competition with the stiffest blows in the badass world of underground DotA.  He will punch you in the face and you will applaud his technique.  Then he will ban you from Defense of the Ancients and you will be mad.

I completely agree with the actions that Seels has taken.  By thinking quickly and responding faster, Seels has left little doubt as to whether or not he “[has] a life or not”.

jerkfood !timeban 1440 when i timeban this guy for a day he messages me questioning whether i have a life or not on 2006-02-03 00:00:00 by Seels

Good luck, “beck”.  You’re going to have a difficult time proving to the public that a religious man would abuse the powers granted to him.

beck thou shalt not leave seels games. 3rd commandment. on 2005-08-13 00:00:00 by Seels

That’s right, “altf4″.  You’re talking to a high-ranking member of the church clergy.  Shut your mouth, clown.

altf4 Next time you’re going to talk shit make sure you’re aware who you’re doing it to on 2006-07-17 14:53:41 by seels

Eh, I wouldn’t call it “closing”.  It’s more like “shutting off the power, locking the doors, and threatening to call the authorities if everybody isn’t out the door by closing time”.  There’s a huge difference!  Why doesn’t anybody believe me!?

bkz leaves because his cafe is closing? whateer on 2006-03-10 00:00:00 by Seels

“See, I’ll ban you from playing Defense of the Ancients!  You know, that game you just said sucks!  Bet I ruined your day, asshole!”

bea_realfag Dota sucks eh? on 2005-04-15 00:00:00 by Seels

Yeah.  Know who else used to seel people’s items?  Hitler did.  Namely the Jews’ items.  Yeah, Hitler’s dead now.  He took a bullet to the brain.  You don’t want to end up like him.  Nobody seels Seels’ items, you jackoff.

demboys Dont seel my items retard on 2005-07-09 00:00:00 by Seels

Purchasing a Comcast™ Triple Play™ family plan in order to provide television, internet, and phone entertainment directly into your home?  That’s a BANNABLE OFFENSE!

wentao Fix your godamn internet connection on 2006-07-21 16:20:15 by seels

Dont worry, Seels.  You’ll understand how mother-son relationships work when your favorite anime characters have kids.

joman_ge leaving cause his mom wanted him at a party??? huh? on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 by Seels

Ever!!!

aiometh you will not afk in my games ever. on 2005-08-11 00:00:00 by Seels

EVER!!!

kelnoz Suiciding 6-19 “oh not dont ban my life is over omg” fuckign child. No appeal ever. on 2006-07-04 00:00:00 by seels

DO NOT REMOVE OR I WILL SEND YOU VERY THREATENING COMMENTS IN CAPITAL LETTERS AND ATTEMPT TO OUTPLAY YOU IN A VIDEO GAME.

snowofpower DO NOT REMOVE. Completely ruined game. Blocked with chickens/tks/says he doesnt need tda. Fuck him on 2005-06-17 00:00:00 by Seels

You didn’t answer his question, Seels.  That tells me that you’re trying to hide something.  I bet it’s cocks.  In your mouth!

goddamnit asks me ” hey seels how many cocks can you suck in a minute?”. yea buddy. egg on a shitlist on 2006-05-17 00:00:00 by Seels

Okay, yeah, I’ll have to admit that I laughed pretty hard.

x-vega “im a stupid fuck stupid ass fuck that likes banning people for no reason to get my fix” heres my fix on 2005-09-25 00:00:00 by Seels


Pictured: Citus.

The name “citus” means aroused.  Apparently, Citus has a ban fetish. He may be salaried by a corporation as part of sounding angry all the time.  His paper trail currently accounts for seventy-three percent of the internet’s recorded uses of the word “fuck”.  That market share will continue to rise as Maddox allows his own web site to collect dust.

Man, who would ever use the anonymity of the internet to pretend they’resomething that they aren’t?  That is like, lame, bruh.

goatsex don’t ever fucking pretend to be me mother fucker on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 by citus

The other moderators should take note: The potential for “pita1124″ to refuck or fuckfulness his attitude during this extended leave should be of great concern to the Defense of the Ancients community.

pita1124 needs a 1 month vacation to unfuck his attitude on 2005-09-06 00:00:00 by citus

Well, I don’t see why anybody would have a problem with that.

pubemasterflex hopes i die on 2005-01-28 00:00:00 by citus

Oh, man!  Burn!  Mother fucking burn!  Get owned, biggums!  Get owned!  Bet you weren’t expecting that!

endal and now you are shitlisted n00b on 2005-05-20 00:00:00 by citus

“Dawg, I trust you wit’ my sister, and now she join da Crips!  She were gonna be a Blood, man!  Dat how you repay me, broski?”

xxxbigpoppaxxx i was nice to you and this is how you repay me — fuck you and your brother on 2005-02-19 00:00:00 by citus

I hear that they only teach this at the most prestigious colleges and universities in the world.  That is, they do not teach these things at the University of Texas.  You have to wonder how so many of their students picked up the practice.

tactical-xiii maybe in the future you will learn not to shit where you eat on 2005-01-21 00:00:00 by citus

Sending god-damn random whispers, fuck off?  That’s a BANNABLE OFFENSE!

dota_buck no don’t fucking send me god damn random whispers fuck off on 2005-02-19 00:00:00 by citus

Are you a state senator from Idaho?  BANNABLE OFFENSE!

hunter-xstrider you are a faggot on 2005-01-22 00:00:00 by citus
haxxord aka dank-stoner aka fag on 2005-09-11 00:00:00 by citus

Fuck mothers? BANNABLE OFFENSE!

brak- distributing 6.0 mother fucker fuck you on 2005-01-17 00:00:00 by citus

Bannable offense? BANNABLE OFFENSE!

forever[nin] fuck your shit you aren’t ever getting back in on 2005-01-11 00:00:00 by citus

Unfortunately for all of us, Citus disappeared in 2006 and was never to be heard from again.  It is even more unfortunate that three years later, Clan TDA made sure it would stay that way.

citus stolen account — there is only one true ‘citus’ on 2009-05-16 09:45:05 by wuffle

As that famous television show taught us, cats and dogs say the darnedest things!  The Defense of the Ancients community is like a family to me, but so is Mr. Flufflekins.  And I can’t help it if he’s so darn cute!  Why can’t you, DotA players?  WHY CAN’T YOU?

There are people out there who think feeding the homeless is a shameful endeavor but then drop down thousands of dollars to get surgeries for their pets.  What does that have to do with Defense of the Ancients?  Nothing, really.  Just droppin’ knowledge, y’all.

smokemon (26271) 0-5 Omni leaves @ 33:04 because “my cat just threw up and has been sick i gotta bring him to vet” on 2007-04-27 18:31:50 by buddha-nfriends

In defense of “canadianbeer”, it was a bloodthirsty pterodactyl.

canadianbeer (28073) 4-8 Destroyer says “oh look a bird” and leaves @55:18 on 2007-05-31 09:42:18 by jewified.

Defense of the Ancients is the hottest game in the country right now!  And you know what that means: Hide the family dog.  He may just catch a burning passion for DotA!

timetofeed (47380) says “MY DOGS ON FIRE” and leaves @1:27 on 2008-01-24 12:14:35 by jewified.
killer.goat (38484) Ogre says ‘OH SHIT MY DOG JUST EXPLODED’ then leaves @24:09 on 2007-10-21 00:52:59 by frozt
auditor (29762) 1-4 Viper sells items; makes chicken army; suicides said army; leaves @ 50:27 saying “GG GUYS MY DOG IS ON FIRE BYEEE” on 2007-06-25 17:38:40 by buddha-nfriends

Fish swims in water, breathes air.  You can’t explain that.

vag (123733) Leaves after saying “MA GOLDFISH IS DROWNING HALLLLLP” @ 31:55; (Gc=24) on 2009-12-29 08:12:28 by dbx_5

This shouldn’t have shocked anyone.  It was on the shady side of town by the dog pound.  He knew what he was getting into.

hotsauce. (28226) 0-0 Obsidian leaves @5:31 after saying his cat’s house is on fire on 2007-06-02 11:47:31 by jewified.

According to Wikipedia, “Greek fire was an incendiary weapon used by the Byzantine Empire. The Byzantines typically used it in naval battles to great effect as it could continue burning even under water.”

frothyseaturtle (75632) leaves after first death (MY FISH TANK IS ON FIRE)@4:39 gc=1 on 2008-09-28 23:19:02 by prac.makes.perf

It’s okay.  Nobody is going to judge you if it was consensual.

jesusisntreal (58154) 0-6 Dark Seer leaves @34:13 after saying “OMG MY CAT IS RAPING ME” on 2008-05-04 23:22:20 by aftershock-

I hear pussies have a way of doing that.

dota-4-tea (59159) 2-4 Medusa leaves @37:15 after saying “omg cats in my lingerie drawer” (JFK) on 2008-05-18 18:51:31 by unholydonuts

It only seems fitting one of the few things that can stop Defense of the Ancients is another force of nature.  Mother nature has a liberal bias.  It hates our freedoms and only wishes to destroy them.  Therefore, the earthquake triggers the volcano that starts a landslide that slams into the ocean and causes a tsunami that floods inland areas and introduces them to the plague.  Not even Defense of the Ancients is safe from these horrors.

Hey, you can’t blame “snorlax13″ for leaving.  He wouldn’t want to be caught sleeping on the job, would he?

snorlax13 (28148) SK leaves @08:53. “guys i g2g im a firefighter and am on call and theres been a fire at a farm house” His previous ban for leaving + this one are quite suspicious. on 2007-06-01 12:41:52 by xtort

A, a, a megathrust earthquake?  At this time of year?  At this time of day?  In this part of the country?  Localized entirely within your kitchen!?

pecan_pie (45316) 0-11 furion says “oh shit earthquake at my house” and plug pulls @ 30:54 on 2007-12-31 17:29:08 by sh0cky

Leaving a Defense of the Ancients game because of the risk that a thunderstorm could fry your computer?  That’s a BANNABLE OFFENSE!

sunfire[woz] (24234) 1-3 Void leaves @ 39:03; says ” yeh sry 2 tell u tyis guys but i g2g; fucking thunderstorm started in;dads kicking me off;fraid comps gona fry” on 2007-03-21 19:17:44 by buddha-nfriends

Commenting on the legend of “facestabber” would only disrespect his accomplishments.  You are an incredible human being, “facestabber”.  May you live well, “facestabber”.

facestabber says “omg a tornado is attacking my house i think its hurricane katrina” and leaves. on 2006-02-03 00:00:00 by DonExodus

We got lucky in 2006.  It passed us by.

Valon (19837) 0-4 Naix says “OMFG METEOR” and leaves @ 23:59 on 2006-12-30 08:48:08 by buddha-nfriends

However, it was still a concern.  Three years later, it returned to get the job done.

qazzidrood (109333) Says “OH SHIT A COMET HIT MY CAT” and leaves @13:20 (Gc = 12) on 2009-06-12 14:10:02 by pocket_squirrel

It’s hard to understand why people would tire of a third-party custom game system where players can get banned for combing their hair to the wrong side of their head.  The proletariat understands this.  They understand that a specter is haunting DotA; the specter of “I don’t give a fuck, fuck you!”

It’s cool, bruh.  He got this, dawg.  You dig, son?

sakukoivu (119849) Says “I GOT A PUSSY TO FUCK SORRY” and leaves @37:23 (Gc = 516) on 2009-10-10 13:22:13 by pocket_squirrel

Forty years from now, the children of “jesuswasntblack” will ask him a very important question: Where were you when Derek Anderson passed for seven yards in a football game with no playoff implications?

jesuswasntblack 12541 afk’s saying “i’m content watching lions vs browns” on 2005-08-21 00:00:00 by rush4hire

His Divine Rapier in her Urn of Shadows?  No way.  *keeps reading*  For twenty-three minutes?  Eh, kinda plausible.

seraphium (20302) 3-3 PoTM AFKs 29 – 52; says “wife wanted to ahve sex” on 2007-01-02 23:59:59 by buddha-nfriends

That’s the great thing about American capitalism: It is not Soviet communism.  You have the right to purchase a five-pound bag of chocolates.  But if you are not satisfied, you can purchase an eight-pound bag of chocolates.  Thank you, Wal-Mart, for keeping our stomachs informed.

snowyisfat (7175) 4-6 nw sells and buys items over and over because he “can’t decide what to get. so many choices” leads to ruining game for team on 2006-06-20 00:00:00 by divinerape

This is the difference between Defense of the Ancients players and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  The Turtles never let Shredder take over New York City while they were on a lunch break.

FOUL_BEAST (22689) 1-8 NA says “pizzas here ban away” and leaves @ 66:41; game ends @ 77 on 2007-02-18 18:27:18 by buddha-nfriends

“[S]how [sic] logg in appeal”.  For those of you who are wondering, Clan TDA has a web site where you appeal your ban.  A moderator then reads the appeal and chooses not to unban you.  I’m sure “chucknorrisv2.0″ will get around to issuing his appeal in the near-future.

chucknorrisv2.0 (13670) 0-5 pulls plug @ 28:14 after saying “omfg great here comes the computer failure.. fuck” – show logg in appeal on 2006-09-05 19:47:31 by Jet-

The Bird shoe.  The Magic shoe.  Choose your weapon.  From DotA.

jukalypse (129290) Destroys ally’s Boots of Speed at 5:50. “YO. BRO. U MISSING BOOTS?” on 2010-05-18 10:09:28 by cheez-its

Disney Animated Films presents the story of a young boy who just wants to sing a song and dance like all the other kids!  But deep inside, a growing problem is emerging…

myrm (32865) 1-5 SkeleKing leaves 5v4 w/o proper ff @31:08 saying “30min cya i gotta shit and sing and dance” (Philip.J.Fry) on 2007-08-12 12:08:24 by vigi-

Let’s conclude this article by reminding people that Defense of the Ancients is the future of sports.  It requires incredible commitment and discipline.  It also brings out our primal side.  It is not surprising to see that words will be exchanged.  Some of these words are less than pleasant.  Dare I say, rage?

Ever read those movie descriptions on the Internet Movie Database?  Where the plot summary reads something close to “A mother and her four kids are forced to get down on their knees and… (more)”?

crazy_penguin Continued to open his mouth spewing out foul shit that offended everyone in the game and then proceeding to be a complete ass – his attitude and behavior is a disgrace to the human race and if you wa on 2005-05-02 00:00:00 by Ario

According to what they taught me in Catholic School, homosexuality is a BANNABLE OFFENSE!

lakewoodloc U R A FAGGOT AND LIKE TO TAKE DICKS UP THE ASS THATS MY POINT on 2006-10-17 21:27:20 by Wuffle

Most of these bans do not tell the entire story.  It is always nice to get a comprehensive explanation that leaves little doubt in what transpired.

asdlfkj@useast FUCK YOU on 2005-02-05 00:00:00 by Mudcrow

Uh, yeah.  That’s exactly what it’s like.

pandasmurf Leave on countdowns – bash a mod – it is like a fucking mastercard commercial except it ends with me owning your ass on 2005-03-05 00:00:00 by Ario

Heheh, okay.  Honestly, I think he’s got you there.

randomer. (6769) 1-5 enchantress said “you should find a chick to suck your dick cause i know it hasn’t happened yet” and left@ 37:04 on 2006-06-12 00:00:00 by hellknight-hks

The bad news?  This is the end of the line for this wonderful tribute to the DotA Banlist.  The good news?  People still play Defense of the Ancients.  This means more people will be banned.  There will be more reasons to laugh at this community.  And when there are no more bans?  That means Defense of the Ancients has died.  And that will be the ultimate victory.

Special Thanks To:

Everybody on the forums who helped cherry-pick the DotA Banlist for “the lulz”.

To comment on this article as a guest or registered member, please visit the forums. Otherwise, return to the main page.