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English “hello” to all audience. My name is Vladimir Vladivostok. I am Moscow citizen. I am here to spread information of glorious Russia Hackteam, number one e-sport fight club out of Nikolai Bulganin Internet Cafe in Moscow, Russia. Found in 2005, Russia Hackteam possess over five member. Building that is once torture chamber for enemies of Russian mafia is now torture chamber for all gamer who believe hack is cheat. But hack is not cheat. Is only hack, not cheat.

Let us create beginning from start. According to father Alexei Vladivostok, I was born of no-good woman name Evpraksiya. Alexei little explain how baby occur. Claim is shameful moment where Alexei treat woman with respect.  Father Alexei claim that after baby pouch eject Vladimir Vladivostok into Russia homeland, Evpraksiya join wolves and vow revenge. I little believe this story. Why wolves allow inferior species join them? Why wolves tolerate woman nagging?

Okay, Russia Hackteam is sure you have many question by now. First question ask: “Why Russia Hackteam treat woman with disrespect?” Many woman rights group claim boycott of Russia Hackteam. All story have two side like coin. Russia Hackteam have many respect for woman. Is true story. For example, woman lock in basement of Nikolai Bulganin Internet Cafe keep building very clean. Make little noise when police inspect Nikolai Bulganin Internet Cafe since know what is good for her. But other side of argument? We are do favor for great Russia! Woman is dangerous! Need science fact? Chechnya is most dangerous country on planet.  More dangerous than United States.  Is true story.  Recent Russia government report claim that over half of Chechnya is woman.  Fifty percents!  My argument is prove.  Russia government is state sponsor of all belief and action of Russia Hackteam. That is why woman is ban from gaming in Russia and cannot ruin legend of Russia Hackteam.

But woman is not important. Important story? How does Russia Hackteam become legendary e-sport fight club out of Nikolai Bulganin Internet Cafe in Moscow, Russia? How does become such legendary that all anti-cheat device ban Russia Hackteam on sight?

Is long story. Go back many year to 1991, at height of Russia communism. When little boy, I travel to United States with father Alexei. I am shock and confuse. Many American fat. Mistake hamburger for oxygen all human breathe to survive. I plead with father Alexei: “Why America not work hard? Why spend all money on food? Why claim is number one when constant ask for number two on value menu?” But Alexei is calm. He explain in Russia patriotic terms: “Now you know why visit America. America have mighty tradition of chocolate pork on stick. Russia have mighty tradition of Stalin. Stalin ask all Russian to become giant grizzly man. And he do not care how you become grizzly man. Continue tradition of Russia supremacy and you will create many respect.”

That is why formation of Russia Hackteam. At first, like American who jog fifty meter, is tough struggle. Win few games. Even team down street named Sasha Killers defeat Russia Hackteam in bloodsport. And leader of Sasha Killers take cock in ass from many animal! What is Russia Hackteam to do? Yuri Yablonski, vice president of Russia Hackteam, create suggest: “Name is Russia Hackteam. Why not use hack?” I am caution. Is not hack cheat? Many player claim is so. But Yuri intelligent explain: “Is only hack, not cheat. Allow explain: Is monitor cheat? Monitor make game easier to play, but not cheat. Therefore, hack is not cheat.” Is undefeatable logic from Yuri Yablonski. He is right. Russia Hackteam will use hack.

That is how Russia Hackteam become legend. Like exercise, fear by all American. But most important, fear by all gamer. Russia Hackteam win at all major video game for ThePirateBay Entertainment Systen. But Russia Hackteam get little tournament invite! Why is?

Explanation is here: Andrei Kirilenko is Russia national basketball hero. Best player in world. But National Basketball Association say “Must play with team! Cannot play alone!” Why is such? Because basketball is racist against Russian player. Andrei Kirilenko would win all championship. Great dynasty would be Chicago Bull, Los Angeles Laker, Boston Celtic, Andrei Kirilenko. So they ban him from play one-versus-five basketball. They not let Andrei Kirilenko play to strength. That is same for Russia Hackteam. E-sport fight scene know Russia Hackteam would win all tournament, have all sex with beautiful woman. So make bullshit rule. Claim “hack is cheat”! And Russia Hackteam never invite to tournament. Is bullshit!

For many year, this was okay.  Russia Hackteam dominate online play instead.  But now, same thing happen in online game!  One time during play Call of Duty, Yuri Yablonski use M16 that shoot Conficker virus instead of bullet. Hearty laughs and many enjoyments is share by Russia Hackteam as fatty fat fat American complain. But all of sudden, game makes an angry! Says is hack! Disconnect and ban Yuri! I complain on Infinity Ward forum and people say I am cheater! But hack is not cheat! Allow explain: Is switchblade cheat? Switchblade cause blood loss that lead to heart failure. But is legitimate strategy! Where does say “stab opponent is cheat”? Only “stab ally is cheat”! Therefore, hack is not cheat. It is like say “warp zone is cheat” in Super Mario Brothers! If I want use warp zone I can use warp zone and if I want use hack I can use hack! Nintendo ban player for use warp zone? No. Maphack is preference that make game more fun.

And that is current story of Russia Hackteam.  Future will include many more victory and many more wealth.  Russia Hackteam is always look for best gamer in the world.  If wish to apply for Russia Hackteam, send follow of information:

Name
Address
Social Security Number
Name of Greatest Country on Planet (To Confirm Is Not Spam Bot)
Body Fat Percent (To Confirm Is Not American)
City
Credit Card Number
Country
Woman Maiden Name

Many applicant has had question about application: Why must give Social Security Number? Is that not create of wise choice? Is Russia Hackteam commit identity theft? In opinion of Russia Hackteam, no!  To ease fear, we will send RUSSIA HACKTEAM HAT with each Social Security Number. Hat is made from finest skin of Ural Mountain Rat.  Is glorious product! If you have many Social Security Number, you will get MANY RUSSIA HACKTEAM HATS.

Thank you much time for read of message statements!  Russia Hackteam e-sport fight club continue dominate.  Lady Russia and mighty Stalin will lead true light.  Let no American claim greasy hand on glory of Russia Hackteam!

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